Relationship I Cant Take This.

[Lostandhurt]

Yesterday i posted for the first time. The thread was called "I need help. I need hope" and i got some advice from a user which helped. But right now i am so confused and am in so much pain. I caused my girlfriend, who I was frequantly talking about mariage with, to have a flashback that triggered her PTSD. we broke up a few days ago and i cant hell but to feel like its all my fault. The fear I saw on her face the night the flashback happened, the uncontroable sobbing.... and me just thinking that i cause all of this. She says shes not afraid of me, but she wiuld flinch when i touched her. She stopped wanteing to be help or even be kissed. Then she shut down emotionally and shut me out... She says she still wants to be friends and everything and how she still thinks about marrying me someday. But i dont know what to do. I am in so much pain. I cant talk to her about it because its not fair to her and I will only push her away.
Help,
Please Help.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Unless you purposely did something maliciously that you knew was a trigger for her in order to induce panic, you in no way are responsible. You didn't trigger her, she was triggered.

The trigger was in her head. She has to own her own stuff.

My sufferer gets triggered all the time. You can't predict what's going to set it off for him. Once I threw a piece of cardboard in the recycle bin, and it was laying like a piece of trash that covered an IED his vehicle hit. He freaked out. Yes, I was the one who threw that coarboard away... but that was an everyday perfectly normal human behavior. It wasn't my fault he reacted the way he did.

I was sympathetic, but I had to draw the line at feeling guilty. If I felt guilty every time things like this happened I'd be a mess.

 

[Lostandhurt]

Unless you purposely did something maliciously that you knew was a trigger for her in order to induc...

I understand, but that is something that is triggered that has nothing to do with your relationship its completely seperate from you. Im not saying its any less scarry in a relationship but my girlfriends PTSD was triggered by rape and what caused the flashback was something that we were doing sexualy. Its a lot harder not to take that personal.

 

[caligirl03]

Even so, it's still her trigger. Whether she was engaging in a sexual act with you or someone else, that same act--regardless of who it was with--may very well trigger the same exact reaction in her.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I understand, but that is something that is triggered that has nothing to do with your relationship its completely seperate from you.

Except that he raged and lashed out at me, blaming me for being stupid and inconsiderate, not having any sense, not giving a shit about him. Civilians are retarded, etc.

Combat vets tend to be aggressive in "fight, flight, or freeze" situations because they have been trained to always fight. Instead of having a fear of me, he tends to lash out verbally and have rages.

I have had to learn to deal with these incidents by staying calm, not escalating, not taking it personally, and setting boundaries by removing self from the situation if he crosses a certain line. What I cannot do is take it personally. It probably sounds really cold and mechanical, but this is a big part of having a healthy PTSD relationship.

A supporter of a sufferer with rape or abuse trauma is probably going to have to learn different ways to deal with their sufferer's triggers because they will probably have different reactions. However, learning not to take things personally is still going to be a big part of it.