Missycat
Diamond Member
Ive tried to write this post so many times but have always struggled , panicked and then given up. I’ve also not being able to share previously due to legal reasons .
I have wanted to share as i hope it helps someone also i kind of think its an accomplishment ( that was so hard to write ... its much easier to berate myself!)
So after 30+ years of keeping an awful secret (sibling CSA) my self harm, ocd and daily rituals were taking over and as my anger was threatening to end my relationship i went into therapy. I was and still am in full time employment and i was , through most of the day functioning well ( or so i thought) At the same time i came across this site. My therapist is a Consultant Clinical Pyschologist , and specialises in trauma and sexual abuse - she diagnosed PTSD , OCD , anxiety, i saw a psychiatrist who confirmed the diagnosis.
Therapy was hard , often being dissociative meant having to use numerous different therapy models and approaches and then return to EMDR when i was present. My T was / is amazing . After approx 12 months i was well enough and strong enough to end therapy. A further 3 months later i felt so well and strong i decided to report the abuse to the police.
From reporting to being video interviewed, witness statements taken, med records , school records, referral to Crown Prosecution Services (CPS) this process has taken just over 2 years. It hasn’t helped that my abuser lives abroad so Interpol had to be involved. It has been a difficult painful journey, it meant i returned to therapy as all the ptsd symptoms returned with a vengeance ( they don’t really go so i suppose i mean i wasn’t able to put my usual ‘survival’ skills in place) its caused some family issues and after all this the decision by the CPS was not to charge ... Ive appealed twice to no avail. Its too difficult, painful and upsetting to give the reasons why but i can tell you it cuts real hard. He’s gonna get away with it , he wasn’t even questioned. It makes my blood boil, it makes me sad... it hurts like crazy.
Would i choose to go through the process again if i had known what i know now ?...... you might be surprised to hear me say “absolutely” ... for all the upset, pain, fall out, problems with own mental health , breakdowns etc etc my overriding feeling that justice should be served keeps that fire in my belly and stops me from completely capitulating . I now need to decide what i do next .
Thanks for listening ..... and breathe.
I have wanted to share as i hope it helps someone also i kind of think its an accomplishment ( that was so hard to write ... its much easier to berate myself!)
So after 30+ years of keeping an awful secret (sibling CSA) my self harm, ocd and daily rituals were taking over and as my anger was threatening to end my relationship i went into therapy. I was and still am in full time employment and i was , through most of the day functioning well ( or so i thought) At the same time i came across this site. My therapist is a Consultant Clinical Pyschologist , and specialises in trauma and sexual abuse - she diagnosed PTSD , OCD , anxiety, i saw a psychiatrist who confirmed the diagnosis.
Therapy was hard , often being dissociative meant having to use numerous different therapy models and approaches and then return to EMDR when i was present. My T was / is amazing . After approx 12 months i was well enough and strong enough to end therapy. A further 3 months later i felt so well and strong i decided to report the abuse to the police.
From reporting to being video interviewed, witness statements taken, med records , school records, referral to Crown Prosecution Services (CPS) this process has taken just over 2 years. It hasn’t helped that my abuser lives abroad so Interpol had to be involved. It has been a difficult painful journey, it meant i returned to therapy as all the ptsd symptoms returned with a vengeance ( they don’t really go so i suppose i mean i wasn’t able to put my usual ‘survival’ skills in place) its caused some family issues and after all this the decision by the CPS was not to charge ... Ive appealed twice to no avail. Its too difficult, painful and upsetting to give the reasons why but i can tell you it cuts real hard. He’s gonna get away with it , he wasn’t even questioned. It makes my blood boil, it makes me sad... it hurts like crazy.
Would i choose to go through the process again if i had known what i know now ?...... you might be surprised to hear me say “absolutely” ... for all the upset, pain, fall out, problems with own mental health , breakdowns etc etc my overriding feeling that justice should be served keeps that fire in my belly and stops me from completely capitulating . I now need to decide what i do next .
Thanks for listening ..... and breathe.
