I don’t know how to connect or ask for help right now

[Justmehere]

I’m not sure why (my doc thinks this might have been started by taking Tamiflu) but I have been dealing with a ton of depersonalization and derealization this week. Everything is incredibly surreal to me. It’s now crossed from being uncomfortable to something more.

Yesterday was bad. I’ve never been sucidial and numb before, and yesterday I was really floaty and not ok. I won’t describe it. I just wasn’t ok. It came on suddenly too, and in a really weird way. None of this is normal for me. I don’t usually struggle with feeling intensely surreal. I’m using every grounding technique I know... and it’s not making any difference. If it was just feeling surreal, that would be fine. I’d keep enduring on my own just fine.

Yesterday, I tried to get help and it was probably a huge mistake. I really think it was a mistake. I shouldn’t have tried. It made everything worse with everyone.

I tried to get help at an ER, and a stand alone psych hospital. ER said nothing was wrong. Psych hospital said go to the ER, they wouldn’t do an intake, because my problem is medical.

I even texted my therapist, in a weird way. I was being weird. I asked her if she could help me “get psychological help.” She seemed confused but offered to call 911, call the police. If 911 needs to be called, is it an offer? I told her I had been to the ER and they said I was faking being in a crisis. She said yeah, I’m too flat, I’d “probably have to really freak out and then they’d restrain you and admit you.”

Restrain me? Wtf. She was telling me to freak out and get restrained to get help?

Weird comment to read on text. It triggered massive panic. I got present. Fast. Maybe she was trying to spook me into being present? I can handle being flooded with emotions just fine though, and get regulated ok, and she knows that. I stayed present for about 8 hours, connected with a friend. I got through. I was ok. Wtf. How can I go from so not ok to being ok? No wonder the ER said I was fine. Then all the surreal numbness came back. And the thoughts.

Today, I’m back to not recognizing my face in the mirror and having a ton of ideation. It’s just ideation I tell myself. But I’m having gaps in time and that’s not normal for me.

I called again to schedule the intake at the psych hospital. The woman asked if I had been there before. I told her, I tried to get an intake yesterday. I told her my name. She laughed. “Hahaha. I remember you. Hahahahaha.”

I asked why she was laughing. She said, “oh I just remember you. This is funny.” Wtf.

I told her, “I don’t find mental illness funny. Can I schedule the intake now?”

She said she didn’t find mental illness funny either. So, moving on. I asked to schedule the intake. She hung up on me. I called back and the line just rings and rings. I called a third time and they said they can’t help me. It was decided yesterday there would be no intake for me ever. No explaination as to why.

I’m staring at my phone. I can’t feel the phone in my hand. I don’t want to breathe. I have no idea what to do. Reaching my therapist or primary care doc isn’t an option. My therapist told me yesterday to reach out to friends this weekend. Uh. Right ok. I don’t even know how to do that right now. I’m sure it’s painfully obvious, and normally, I’d probably get it, but like what does she even mean?

I can’t handle being around friends and faking being ok like I usually do at the moment... I can’t handle more fake. But telling people in my life who don’t even know I have ptsd, oh hey, yeah, I don’t recognize my face at the moment, and I can’t feel how cold the air is and I just tried to do an intake at a psych hospital and they actually turned me down... and I do not want to breathe anymore... because who is too crazy for a psych hospital?! Apparently me. How was your day?

How is that going to go over ok?! It’s just going to lead to problems. The last thing I need is more fake and more problems.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Personally it’s not you, it’s your f*cking hospital. Again, I suggest that you go to the nearest town/ city that has a hospital and try there..... Please do this?????

 

[Justmehere]

The stand alone psych hospital was in another city. It was the alternative to the hospital in town. I’m seriously failing at this. I also don’t think they can do much for me. Or they would.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Then find another hospital......... Seriously keep banging on doors till you find the help!!!! @Justmehere you are worth being helped, you just have to remember this and then find the help......

 

[Friday]

Reaching my therapist or primary care doc isn’t an option. My therapist told me yesterday to reach out to friends this weekend

Just a reminder that unless she said she won’t be available, suggesting you reach out to friends is different than “don’t call me”.

. It was decided yesterday there would be no intake for me ever. No explaination as to why.

Can you have your therapist call & ask them why?

This is, in no small part, because I really want your therapist to read them the riot act for laughing in your face. But also to find out what their reasoning is. The only way I can even begin to imagine this was an appropriate response was of you tried to check in at a veterinary hospital. That? Would rate laughing. And be expected of someone who works with Golden retrievers & beagles as clients. Not people who are hurting. Someone legitimately seeking help? No f*cking way. I’m pissed. Their receptionist needs a smack upside the head.

 

[Still Standing]

Geesh, Justmehere, your body has been in war and it is trying to heal itself. The flu, the surgery, the drugs, and your worry about your job made for a perfect storm. My head would be doing somersaults and attempting to propel itself to the moon without a rocket, too!!! Would you be able to call a prevention hotline and talk with them for awhile? Hey! Do you realize that you have asked for help, here, on the forum? Though we cannot physically stand with you, we are able to fully understand your stress and are willing to listen and respond to you. That is an indicator that you are able to ask for help. The problem is that you are not able to have the response for physical help, as you may need or want. And being sick, will certainly make you more susceptible to depressing emotions. As hard as it is, your psych is correct in encouraging you to engage with a friend. Even if you fake it, there is something about being with a true friend, that can help to break the edges off a large iceberg of emotional angst. I just experienced this during my own swirling black hole, last weekend. I wanted to isolate and marinate in my hole, but hubby pushed me to go to lunch with friends. It ended up helping to soothe my head a little. Even a little soothing help would be good for you. I really wish I could ease your pain, right now.

 

[desiderata310]

@Justmehere I almost hate to ask this but is there some way you can just take some medication to sleep so you can shut down through the worst of all of this? I've found that if I can pull myself together enough to remember when it gets bad, my best bet is sleep- if nothing else it helps not have to fight yourself constantly.

 

[Friday]

I've found that if I can pull myself together enough to remember when it gets bad, my best bet is sleep- if nothing else it helps not have to fight yourself constantly.

Seconded.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Thirded... not a real word but very real sentiment!

Honest question...in this condition, can you safely take an appropriate amount of medication? Can you identify what a safe amount is?

 

[Justmehere]

Just a reminder that unless she said she won’t be available, suggesting you reach out to friends is different than “don’t call me”.

Ah, fair point. I guess I did make that a bit all or nothing. We don’t usually have between session contact, and she hasn’t said no, and I’m not sure she knows what to do... the comments yesterday were so confusing.

Their receptionist needs a smack upside the head.

Oddly, this helps to read. I took it so personally... like what the hell is so wrong and unreal about me...

Even if you fake it, there is something about being with a true friend, that can help to break the edges off a large iceberg of emotional angst.

This is true. Being with my friend last night, even though I stuffed all the pain as much as possible, and could only say I had a bad day, a bad week, being with her helped.

I almost hate to ask this but is there some way you can just take some medication to sleep so you can shut down through the worst of all of this?

My primary care doc actually said as much earlier in the week, and gave me Trazadone. I took it two nights, with a ton of trepidation, and it had little effect. I was awake and floaty all night, and just enough sedated to be groggy but not sleep. If it had knocked me out, that would have been good. When I’ve taken it in the past, it snowed me over.

My body chemistry is so whacked. I dunno if it’s meds or ptsd or everything. Probably everything. If I could just sleep and get to the other side. I haven’t really slept more than an hour or two at a time in two months, and it’s been a long time since I’ve been this sleep deprived. I guess that’s what I wish an ER would do. Just help me ride this to the other side, without offing myself in the middle. Normally, just knowing something will Pass is enough for me. This go around? It’s staying in control in the middle that I’m not sure about... and like I know it, I’m trying to be responsible. I’m trying. I’m trying everything.

But something I’m doing makes people think I’m screwing with them, being fake. I feel so unreal in the first place, it’s becoming a weird self fulfilling cycle.

Yet maybe my therapist is right... I’m not visibly unstable enough to get help and if I was, they’d traumatize me and then where would I be.

I called the stand alone psych hospital and asked to speak to a supervsior. The head of assessments told me to go to the nearest ER. Yeah, I GET THAT. Did that. I said I want to know why they are refusing an intake. “We have decided we can do nothing for you.” What is the purpose of intakes if you can just decide that willy nilly via a phone call? Why can you do nothing for me so much that even an intake isn’t possible? They told my doctor yesterday I could do an intake, my doctor sent the records, talked to them, and I asked for an intake... what changed?! Did you lie to my doc? I know they didn’t but... They told me to go to the nearest ER. They kept repeating go to the nearest ER like I’m really dense. I told them I’m coming to formally request a copy of my records to get an explanation. They told me “go to the nearest ER.” I told them the nearest ER doesn’t have my records with your facility and can’t tell me why you’ve made a clinical decision I can’t be helped.

But see - maybe this is what I’m doing. I say I’m falling apart, distressed, not in control, and yet I start asking to pick up medical records because I want an answer?! If I’m fine enough to ask for that, then maybe I’m fine enough.

In response to my telling them I’m coming in to request records, they explained there are also no open beds in any psych hospital or unit within 80 miles. The best they could do at an intake is send me to an ER for a few days on a hold in the ER until a bed opens up, or send me to a hospital 4-6 hours away. Ok, fair... but how about we do an actual f*cking intake first and then tell me it’s hopeless?! Like seriously.

Ok so that’s not rational of me.

Here’s the thing: if they were like ok, no intakes for anyone, I’d be fine with that. They did confirm they are doing intakes for others. Today.

What’s getting me is that I can’t get assessed. Something I’m doing leads people to think I’m crying wolf. I sound flat. Maybe that’s it? I’m not tracking well. Lots of answers to questions are “I’m not sure.” But I keep saying as much as possible, and detailing what I did yesterday that should be more than enough to get an assessment...

When my therapist asked if I wanted her to call 911... it felt fake, but everything feels that way. Fair question, I guess... but well f*ck. I’ll call 911 on myself then. It bothers me it was a suggestion? Not a, “hey, so I’m concerned enough I think it’s time to call 911...” If 911 is being considered then uh, does it matter if I want 911 called? I mean, it’s actually kind and good that she left the control in my hands. But when I’m saying I’m not in control? When I’m asking her to help me get help the option is call 911 not the hospital?

Are words even coming out of my mouth because it feels like I could say monkeys are flying out of my butt and no one would even shrug.

I don’t trust my thinking at all. I feel angry at all of them now, and I’m not even quite sure why. The anger is a little grounding.

I hate hospitals so much that if I’m asking for help at one, it means I’m really at the end of myself... but I’m coming across to them all like I’m fine.

If my brain sinks, it sinks, it will pass, I have to stay present enough to keep myself from acting on something. I dunno how to ask for that help.

I’m acting weird. I’m angry. I’m floaty and feel really unreal, but angry. Anger feels real.

 

[scout86]

I haven’t really slept more than an hour or two at a time in two months, and it’s been a long time since I’ve been this sleep deprived.

My T keeps telling me that 3 days without sleep can produce a psychosis that is indistinguishable from plain old psychosis. Lack of sleep might be a bigger factor than you know.

It sucks that this stuff happens on weekends, but can your call your doctor & see about safely upping the dose so you can get some sleep?

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Justmehere How much trazadone did Dr prescribe??? My script is for 200mgs, but I can take up to 300 safely.

Also, have you looked up Tamiflu side effects??? I did and one of the side effects is altered state of consciousness. Not sure, but is this what you’re experiencing???? I’m just as confused by what you’re trying to convey to us about how you feel, so maybe I’m grasping at straws....