I Don't Believe In Love

[Mayday]

Nobody has ever loved me. I wrote a whiny petulent rant on another thread about this just yesterday. Sometimes that feels intolerable, and then sometimes it just seems sad, and then sometimes it seems absurdly irrelevant when just surviving seems my only priority...

My feelings ebb and flow, along with my regret or otherwise for my aloneness. Sometimes the prospect of having anyone close to me in any sense seems worse than the reality of having nobody to love and be loved by, and those are the times I think I should be careful what I wish for when I whinge on and on about having nobody...

This is me. I can recognize love for other people, but I have no idea where it even figures in my life. Apart from my pets, I love them, and I think they love me...but people? dunno. I just don't get it. I was trying to think last night, if I could go back in time and ask my child self to describe love, what would she say? So far I haven't been able to come up with anything...

And like Maddog, sometimes I worry about this, sometimes it's just irrelevant because all I'm trying to do is survive.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

It seems to ebb and flow. I'll be soured on love and it goes hand in hand with self hatred. Then I'll swing toward being ok with myself and ok with the world and not bitter on love (although its still difficult to feel).

Now I'm feeling a bit better. I know I'm thin skinned. I always have been. And I know I get into depressive episodes but they're linked to anxiety and relatively short lived (when compared to major depressive episodes) so depression meds don't help. Really, CBT is the only thing that helps. Maybe it's time to start looking for a new therapist, but I dread it.

I have a new friend I met online and we've been chatting for a few months now. Yeah, I know I said I don't have any friends. It was in an everybody hates me moment. Truth is I don't have any close friends, but I have more distant ones. You know, the ones you've sort of lost touch with because of distance or whatnot but you know they're still your friend in some capacity even though you're a bit farther apart? And this newer friend online. I'm REALLY trying to not push him away. He doesn't know a lot about what I'm dealing with (just PTSD and anxiety issues) but he seems to understand. Or at the very least be accepting. (Hes got issues of his own and we disclosed what we deal with but its rarely a topic of discussion) Ok to my point. I know I can build a more positive friendship with him and be able to build trust. I know it would be optimal to have a face to face friendship but baby steps, right?

I think that simply acknowledging my problem is helping. I think I can intellectualize love even if I can't necessarily feel it if that makes any sense.

 

[Abstract]

It does sound like you have made real progress!

Really, CBT is the only thing that helps.

I really wonder f DBT might help you a lot. There is so much in there that can potentially help this stuff. And you already find CBT helpful. If you don't have access then maybe you could start with books and this site. There are lots of people on here who have had DBT and would give input on an exercise or concept if you posted. Just a thought.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I've tried DBT. Honestly, CBT helps me so much more. The DBT groups around here (and by around here I mean 1 1/2 hours away) are $200 a session, two sessions a week, with a one year commitment. That's not feasible for me. Well, that and DBT doesn't give me the most benefit. I had the DBT workbook and it royally ticked me off when it preached about some concept and then 100 pages in did an about face and said to go against this concept. Ok, maybe being nit-picky, but c'mon. Don't tell me to do XYZ for the majority of your book and then change your mind because your book loses credibility. But, I digress!

 

[Adria]

I feel exactly the same. However I have managed to start loving myself. Just for the fact that I'm almost the only person who can make myself laugh for starters. Thank you for elaborating, it helps me to understand myself better.