@Neverthesame , I do remember you, even if you don't remember me (Junebug). I am so sorry for what's occurred and your loss. I liked your post not because of such sad news but because I can relate, though Idk if I can express it right. Just totally disregard if this isn't helpful. Plus a wall of text, OMG.
My dad had his life ended prematurely and i didn't intervene- but it was by days not months or years. It caused horrific guilt, I felt as a murderer. (Didn't help my classmates said he was 'old'- he didn't even have gray hair!) Many years later I realized it equated to (also) feeling it would be quite justified or 'proper' if I had a violent death. My mom had kind of your mom's experience though it was spontaneous rare arthritis instead of leg swelling, but stage 4 relatively rare type spread to mediastinal nodes and big as a man's hand, 1 inch from her heart. Two of us took care of her, but she called me a pest (trying to find something that would turn it around). In retrospect I felt more shame than guilt. My aunt (we cared for, then palliative) I sometimes visited when she was in the hospital but it got to the point I couldn't stay long, which produced more guilt. The weekend prior to dying on tuesday was the only one I didn't come- she went unresponsive and they didn't call. Did not stay monday night there (sister said we needed sleep), was able to say goodbye tuesday and she could communicate with hand signals. (Very lucky but still felt guilt, even though we had cared for her at home over 2 1/2 years, she had been given 6 weeks to 6 months). Sister then went to hospice, like with your mom they had also a travel ban, got a bit of money and lifted ban but I did not go. My friend I trust said I should go. I knew he was right, but couldn't bring myself to even though I wanted to see her desperately. Partly because I feared the other relative there, partly because like you said "(I) couldn't show up". Cousin then died of cancer and covid here; his family weren't allowed in either. But truth be known if I could have I might have not gone (cue the guilt).
I am not saying any of this to say my own 'stuff' (I am sorry to even include it), only to illustrate how it has raised it's head. After so many years what comes to me is this (and God knows I've struggled plenty with it), as I said to someone yesterday, we can only make the best decision we can, within it's context and including our own internal and external factors that we can at the time. If she had caught something from you and died, you would feel like you caused it. You don't mention what your relationship was like, but it is obvious you loved her very much because you couldn't go, not the opposite. Seeing someone and especially who you love deteriorate is also traumatizing, and it's a sort of 'giving up'. Something mentally that's very hard to do (as she wasn't doing an experimental treatment for nothing). Just as equally there are some of us wired that way- and I dare say we are the ones feeling more, not less. Feeling so much we must involuntarily numb out and avoid, whether it be thoughts, or presence. One thing I can say with absolute certainty is I feel you loved her completely, and she you. When people are ill their time stops too. And sometimes they too don't know how to have people around them. But I've met very few who expect someone to be there all the time. Did she appreciate when you were there? Of course. But I bet she really appreciated the fact you had a relationship long before she was diagnosed. I hope you will remember that that counts for much, nearly everything. When someone is not so close it's easy or easier to visit; easy to go to a funeral; easy to cry. I have rarely cried either. It is hard to cry when it feels like a part of yourself is what you are crying over. Because that is not only who they were to you/ me, but also I think it comes from the perspective of knowing they were in need, feeling guilty (in my case anyway) I failed them. But in reality it doesn't include the pain and grief (even before death) and trauma you were experiencing. And yes, you were and did.
Idk much but I think your mom could have felt her own guilt at times raising you or over the years. It doesn't take away from the fact it sounds like she loved and trusted you, and therefore would not want you to harm or blame yourself in her name. There was the whole context of a lifetime as a yardstick, not just a few months. And even if the relationship was strained, there is still only the reality that you both could do only the best you could through the times.
I am sorry this is so long, and I am sorry for your loss. Good to have you have you back here, if not for the reason.
ETA, I say this only because I think it's part of my/ your?/ maybe some people's personality or nature and I remember it: when I was little, maybe 3 or 4, it was just pre-Easter and the night and (Holy Crap) we were in the city, I was in bed, and my sisters saw a 3+ foot hare out the window on the lawn (huge). It wasn't a gimic, it was just a freak occurrence. "Wow" they said "Get up! Get up and come see!" They weren't lying, I knew they weren't- and forget it. I said nothing but stayed under the covers. I think it is/was the fear, the reality. Just as equally, I wouldn't be surprised if you have kept most everything you have felt, analyzed, grieved and blamed yourself for to yourself most of your life. If that is the case- me too. But you loved her much, or you wouldn't feel what you do or blame yourself. You can still love her the same and not have the last part in mind too, except to acknowledge it and learn from it. You are human too. You of all people deserve the most to grieve her loss. That is why it's so very hard to.
Hugs to you.
