Okay, I'm not sure if I'm doing this right or I should even be posting here at all. I struggle to talk about this with friends as most of the time they don't know how to respond and just resort to the default "it'll be okay" type thing (I also feel as if I'd trouble them too much...). I can also get quite distressed whilst trying to explain to people, but it varies often. I guess that's the reason I'm gonna post here and I apologise if you read this all, I get the feeling I'm going to write/ramble a lot (it may not all make sense I can't word things very well hahaa).
For a start, I don't think what I suffer from is PTSD, I'm actually super unsure and I'd feel bad for self diagnosing. But I do believe it's some kind of anxiety which stems from my trauma, as well as being accompanied by some related phobias.
When I was 6/7 I was attacked by my grandmother's dog. I was left with facial scars, which are still pretty visible to this day. I don't really remember what happened, it was so long ago and I may have 'constructed' these memories (there was also how my grandmother said that I fell on the wall, to save her dog and compensation money. I don't know how it won, like doctors had seen my face and reconstructed it, yeah a wall did that totes). All I really have is an intense fear feeling that I can get without 'visuals', I guess I also have a memory of thinking the dog was smiling at me. Learning how young children can misread faces (and dog expressions) because humans show their teeth when they smile is still really terrifying to me.
This leads to a few other events which link to phobias of mine. I have injection type phobia and I really hate hospitals, as when I had the stitches removed the anaesthetist went right through my hand (I was incredibly fussy and wouldn't let anyone touch the stitches so I had to be fully knocked out basically). I remember it hurting really bad and I never knew that happened until a few months ago.
I've began to experience panic attacks since early last year. The first major one I can recollect (spring/summer 2013?) is when a radio report told of a young child being killed by a dog, I was in an art lesson and I had to sit down, as my legs just went and I couldn't breath. Nothing else really happened until early this year where my psychology class started on phobias and anxiety disorders. It never crossed my mind, but eventually dog phobias were used as examples. Panic attacks happened a few time during classes, I always contained it as making a "show of it" would be really embarrassing and even more distressing.
One out burst did occur when I told my friend I wasn't going to the next class (due to a prior panic attack), he just said "No you're not", I tried to remain composed, but he then asked why and I just broke down. I'm very grateful that it was only my teacher and him in the room, but it was still really embarrassing...
Many others have occurred, but the most recent was actually triggered by my father. He always tries to question and 'investigate' me since he has a psychology degree of sorts. This is really distressing, but he still pursues it, going on about avoidance etc.
On another note, my sibling was also attacked by the same dog a year later. I feel stupidly guilty about this because if I hadn't been fed lies by my grandmother and not 'lied' policeman, the dog would've been put down earlier. They don't seem to remember or express stress over it. They are able to talk really casually about it all and I just have to laugh along with it, even though it makes me really uncomfortable.
I don't really know what I was aiming to gain from this. I do feel a big weight off my chest. Maybe there are people similar to me too.
I apologise again if this is badly written, I don't feel up to rereading as it was stressful writing it. But if you do read it all, I really appreciate it. :^)
For a start, I don't think what I suffer from is PTSD, I'm actually super unsure and I'd feel bad for self diagnosing. But I do believe it's some kind of anxiety which stems from my trauma, as well as being accompanied by some related phobias.
When I was 6/7 I was attacked by my grandmother's dog. I was left with facial scars, which are still pretty visible to this day. I don't really remember what happened, it was so long ago and I may have 'constructed' these memories (there was also how my grandmother said that I fell on the wall, to save her dog and compensation money. I don't know how it won, like doctors had seen my face and reconstructed it, yeah a wall did that totes). All I really have is an intense fear feeling that I can get without 'visuals', I guess I also have a memory of thinking the dog was smiling at me. Learning how young children can misread faces (and dog expressions) because humans show their teeth when they smile is still really terrifying to me.
This leads to a few other events which link to phobias of mine. I have injection type phobia and I really hate hospitals, as when I had the stitches removed the anaesthetist went right through my hand (I was incredibly fussy and wouldn't let anyone touch the stitches so I had to be fully knocked out basically). I remember it hurting really bad and I never knew that happened until a few months ago.
I've began to experience panic attacks since early last year. The first major one I can recollect (spring/summer 2013?) is when a radio report told of a young child being killed by a dog, I was in an art lesson and I had to sit down, as my legs just went and I couldn't breath. Nothing else really happened until early this year where my psychology class started on phobias and anxiety disorders. It never crossed my mind, but eventually dog phobias were used as examples. Panic attacks happened a few time during classes, I always contained it as making a "show of it" would be really embarrassing and even more distressing.
One out burst did occur when I told my friend I wasn't going to the next class (due to a prior panic attack), he just said "No you're not", I tried to remain composed, but he then asked why and I just broke down. I'm very grateful that it was only my teacher and him in the room, but it was still really embarrassing...
Many others have occurred, but the most recent was actually triggered by my father. He always tries to question and 'investigate' me since he has a psychology degree of sorts. This is really distressing, but he still pursues it, going on about avoidance etc.
On another note, my sibling was also attacked by the same dog a year later. I feel stupidly guilty about this because if I hadn't been fed lies by my grandmother and not 'lied' policeman, the dog would've been put down earlier. They don't seem to remember or express stress over it. They are able to talk really casually about it all and I just have to laugh along with it, even though it makes me really uncomfortable.
I don't really know what I was aiming to gain from this. I do feel a big weight off my chest. Maybe there are people similar to me too.
I apologise again if this is badly written, I don't feel up to rereading as it was stressful writing it. But if you do read it all, I really appreciate it. :^)
