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Relationship I don't want to but I feel like I have to make the hardest decision of my life

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12ss1kp

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I've been a lurker here for quite a while, but I am at a point now where I need as much input as I can get from as many who have BTDT as I can get because I am completely lost--

I think I might be ready to make the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life and that is to divorce the absolute love of my life, my wife. Looking back now I can see that when we met, she was in a very protective and overcompensating state which came across as kind of arrogant and prickish because she had left a very physically abusive relationship. I almost broke it off with her because of this but I could see something clawing under the surface to get out so I decided I would stick it out for a bit longer and boy was I glad I did. Under that hard protective exterior was the most kind, caring, genuine and loving person I had ever met in my entire life, and I knew at that point that this beautiful person was the one I wanted to live out my days with. I’m not going into the details of the issues that caused her CPTSD but let’s just say it was multiple instances (sexual and physical abuse as a child and adult) across many spectrums that I know this gentle being did not deserve to suffer through. Like all couples we have had our issues with communication both from her perspective of stuffing her CPTSD (initially misdiagnosed as BPD) deep down inside and ignoring it along with my own issues of being wound up inside my head (Getting tested for Asperger’s next week actually). So, as you can see, not a recipe for good comms between us!! I know I failed her in many ways as a husband because of my issues in showing her on the outside what I felt on the inside, that she was everything to me. I thought that my actions were enough, but I know they weren’t, and I know now after researching CPTSD for over a year exactly what I should have done to show this woman how she means the world to me. I know I messed up in a lot of ways, but I also know it was never intentional. That’s no excuse and I own my mistakes though. I have never and I never will do anything to intentionally hurt this woman no matter how much she chooses to hurt me in this stage.

Fast forward to the last 2 years and things went downhill, we tried marriage counseling but the marriage counselor said there wasn’t really much we could do because of her BPD (which was actually CPTSD) keeping her closed off and not wanting to communicate. Which after all my research I can see clear as day now and understand why that would be so hard. We took a break from that, and she started seeing a therapist which is where they told her she has CPTSD instead of BPD and about a month after the start there things really went to sh*t. She said she had to get out of the house because she needed time to get her head right and moved in with her sister and left all her of pets with me and 99% of her stuff about 7 months ago. Now my personal opinion with this is not so good as her sister is diagnosed Bipolar and is just an overall manipulative and vindictive person whose only purpose is to serve her own goals and her brother-in-law is a hot-tempered ass most of the time. Both of those types of people are triggers for my wife, but nothing I could say would convince her that living there is not conducive to a healthy healing environment.

The first few months weren’t too bad, but communication started slacking when she bought her motorcycle and started riding with groups of other people for “therapy” as she called it. Now to backtrack a little bit, when she was 17, she ran away from home to live with this same sister and did pretty much the exact same thing with the motorcycle “therapy”. Once that started she started lying to other people telling them she was divorced, going through a divorce and telling people about her life which included past things from her life, my life and our life but all mixed together which showed me that something wasn’t right inside her head and that she was most likely having some very hard struggles which I know therapy can cause by bringing up all the repressed emotions. I asked her to come home and watch the animals for a few days so I could get away and get some time for my own mental health and she refused, I’ve told her I need to schedule my colonoscopy because I have Ulcerative Colitis and was due over a year ago and she ignores me. Since then though it has just gotten progressively worse to where she is now emotionally abusive, manipulative and I am 100% sure has had at least one emotional affair and almost 95% sure of a physical affair as well. How far that went I don’t know.

Now it may make me seem like a pushover, but once I found out I told her I could understand where all this was coming from and that I was willing to forgive and work past it, but she continues to just purposely ignore me and pretend like I don’t exist (no real direct comms since January). I’ve given up so much these past 2 years for this woman, no sex, no love, no support yet I have tried to be there for her and to learn and be better for her every step of the way. But at this point with the lies and the affair and the emotional abuse I am just dying. I have lost 21 pounds through all of this and suffer from severe depression to the point that my own therapists are putting me on Prozac and Xanax. I am just completely broken and lost and trying to keep it together just to type this. I love this woman so much and I can’t bring myself to admit that this “woman” is the same gentle, sweet, nurturing, and loving woman that I fell in love with and married. I know she is having a very hard time and I can’t help but feel that I if I divorce her that I am abandoning her in a time of need even if she doesn’t realize it. I feel like I’d be divorcing whoever this woman is and at the same time it would also take away the love of my life who is buried somewhere down deep inside of her in a protective vault which feels like I’m just putting a gun to my head.

My logical side tells me that for my own sake I need to do this and suffer the heartbreak of losing her and abandoning her but to save myself in the long run. However, my heart tells me that this isn’t the person I married, and I need to be there for her and in the end this will all pass and will be a learning experience for all that will make things stronger moving forward. All the wonderful memories I have of her and the life we built together and the plans for our future are just completely foreign to me when I think of it in the perspective of whoever this “woman” is that she has become the last several months who tries to be “hard” and “strong” when I know for a fact the woman she really is fragile and deserves love and support.

Sorry for the long post, I’m just rambling because I am extremely lost and confused and hurt and just need to vent a little. I’m just looking for perspectives from anybody else who has been on either side of a similar situation. Thank You for Reading.



I should add one of the reasons the marriage counselor said a lot of the issues were coming back is because she was in a stable and loving environment which allowed for less distractions and made it harder to repress the trauma if that makes sense to anybody else.

Thank yall for listening and on a happier note I did live in the UK for 3 years a long time ago and really miss it.
 
I have CPTSD from being sex trafficked, tortured and abused as a child and adolescent. I actually have PTSD complicated with dissociative identity disorder. I know how hard it is to be trying to "find yourself" when you weren't allowed to form a concrete identity while growing up and you never had the safe space to develop yourself or even figure out what you want in your own daily life.

That said, it is all absolutely no excuse for abusing someone else, and your wife is abusing you and stringing you along, and it is 1000% okay for you to remove yourself from a situation that is damaging you, to heal, and to try to find a new partner some day that you actually fit with and who won't be hurting you and ignoring you all of the time. It's not okay to do things like that to someone (the lying, ignoring you, taking no responsibility for hurting you, cheating, abandoning your marriage and saying she's getting divorced to other people, but not to you...). It's not okay to hurt the people who love you just because you are hurting and confused. There's no valid reason or past trauma, in my opinion, that makes it okay to abuse someone else.

The what-ifs are awful and it's a shame that, early on, you guys got what seemed to be a very insensitive marriage counselor who misdiagnosed your wife and basically gave up on her and gave her no hope for herself in your marriage. It's great that she went to another therapist, though, and it's great that you are going to one and getting on medication and helping yourself too.

I get you when you talk about feeling like the good person that you love must still be inside this hurtful, new version of your wife somewhere. I'm telling myself the same thing about my partner who has PTSD right now, who basically just woke up one day and decided he didn't want me around and 'felt numb' and kicked me out of our home, leaving me destroyed and scrambling. I lost my best friend and my future to mental illness, which is a bitter pill to swallow, and I don't know if he's ever coming back around and I feel myself shutting off to him and the hurt like you are also doing with your wife. It's really the not knowing if they're coming back that is the worst part, I think. It would be easy to give someone you love time, if you had any idea that there would be an eventual end to your suffering, but what if this is the new and real version of your wife? Someone that you don't even like at all. How long are you willing to wait and be sick and have no support and worry about her and wish she would come back, with the very real chance that she's never going to come back and maybe the version of her that you loved actually wasn't the real her and who she is now is the real version? Since you are thinking very seriously about divorce, I would say that you have already reached the near end of your tolerance for the abuse and disrespect, and that it completely okay. You are NOT abandoning her. You've tried for months. She left. She really has abandoned you. It's okay for you to pick up what is left of your life and move on.

I also wanted to say, from the perspective of someone who has been sexually abused and who has CPTSD, it might be that the motorcycles and that freedom are really important for your wife. That might be the real her that she has tried to suppress to be good enough for you and she just cannot handle a relationship with you anymore and she's trying to find herself in a context that isn't being your wife or taking care of you. She should just be honest about it, but obviously communication is not her strong point, so she probably thinks that she has shown you everything in her actions already. She won't even take care of her own pets for a couple days to give you time to yourself and she won't even drive you to a doctor's appointment. Maybe you would both be happier without the pressure of this marriage.
 
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What you say makes perfect sense to the logical side of me. Its just really hard to believe that this new her is the real her but you make a really good point that it very well could be. I know the bike helps her as I used to ride myself and it is very therapeutic and we had talked for years about getting bikes together. That's another point of contention because she knows that we both like bikes but she just cut me out of nearly everything to do with it. The avoidance of anything to do with myself or the life we built together is the hardest part for me and from what I understand for suffers that it is sometimes just too hard to be around people or things that they at some level know they are hurting which causes them pain not realizing the avoidance is actually creating even more issues. From what I've seen it seems like she is lost inside her own head and completely ignoring her heart. If she would just tell me she wants a divorce to go do her thing it would just make things so much easier. Seeing the confusion in her actions and my love for her is what keeps me second guessing myself. She has been in really bad places before I met her and had 2 suicide attempts when she was younger, and my fear is that if I leave her and deep down she knows that is not what she wants that I will exacerbate her issues and push her to a point where she makes another attempt and I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing that I hurt her to a point that would drive her to that end.

I have an ex that was certifiably NPD and I am seeing a lot of the very same trauma responses from her which sets of my own issues but I know as a person that is not her because we have talked about it in the past in depth because she was afraid of being a narcissist because of her dad and her brothers being that way. From my experiences she has never shown even an ounce of being like that up until the last few months. She went from being the least self centered person to the most self centered person basically overnight. I just wish there was an easy button to figure out if this is the "real" her as you say because it would make the decision so much easier. I, just scared and lost. I don't want to hurt her and I can't seem to find a point at which my own self protection starts and my desire to protect her begins because I love her so much that I would sacrifice myself for this woman in a heartbeat if it meant she could live a life that is safe, protected and happy becasue I know she deserves it,
 
She moved out 7 months ago, she hasn't really spoken to you at all since January, and you suspect that she has been cheating on you and telling other people that you are already divorced or that you're in the process of getting divorced. You said that you've essentially been in a sexless and loveless relationship for two years already (how long were you two together where the two of you were actually happy and functional as a couple and your needs were being met?) and you don't feel supported or cared for at all. Even the bikes thing is telling because she doesn't want to share a hobby with you; she seems to want to live without you and do things without you and, as you said, she is actively cutting you out of her daily life and flat-out ignoring you now.

Have you discussed divorce with her? Like even a text saying, "Hey, I want to support your healing and my own wellbeing and I think that, right now, your healing doesn't include me. I know you've been talking about divorcing me to other people and I'm fine giving you that divorce and the space that you need to figure yourself out. I can file the paperwork and make everything as stress-free as possible for you. Would you like to start the actual divorce proceedings?"

Sadly, at least from what you have written, it seems like your wife is giving you loud and clear signals that she does not want to be with you. She isn't threatening to kill herself if you leave her or divorce her, that's something that you've put on yourself, while she herself has actually left you and has told other people that she wants a divorce. Has she said or done anything in the last few months that hints that she might still want to be with you in the future?

And I'm not trying to be mean or harsh, I know how bad you are hurting and how confused you are right now because I'm in a similar boat. I am literally in the middle of selling my house like my partner told me to do to move in with him, but he kicked me out of our shared home, and he gives me weird breadcrumbs of hope, but has also flat-out told me that he needs space and I'm honoring that need. I don't even know yet how many months I am willing to be in this limbo he has created, but I've lost more weight than I needed to as well and I can't sleep and I'm joining an 8 week program soon because my therapist has realized that I've become suicidal again. When you get abandoned by a partner and they are mentally ill, it's really hard to figure out what is actually happening and you feel like you're abandoning someone who is sick even if they're the ones pushing you away and being hurtful, and there's that lingering hope that they can pull out of the illness and you want to be there when they 'come back'... It is very torturous.
 
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I know you're not being mean, it helps to hear real talk as opposed to what's in my head and my heart. I will say though that I take full responsibility for the issues with no sex and the lack of connection and support up until January. My personal issues create real difficulties in picking up subtilties of non verbal communication and I would always ask her to just tell me straight up what was wrong or what she needed. I would get aggravated and upset when she didn't and kind of just shut down myself. Knowing what I know now after researching CPTSD for so long I understand that it wasn't that she didn't want to tell me it was that she couldn't tell me for a variety of reasons like being scared of my reaction based off her past or thinking I wouldn't believe her and so on. All of that is squarely on my shoulders for not taking the initiative to learn more sooner and be a belter husband to her when she needed it most and not showing her how much she meant to me when in my head and my heart I knew it, but I just assumed she did as well. I feel like that failure on my part is what lead to the leaving which in turn resulted in the other follow on actions. Even when she first left I know I didn't support her like I should have because I really didn't understand the severity of CPTSD and the reaction it causes much less the severity of the resurfaced trauma brought on by therapy. That being said the stuff since January is different as I know she is responsible for her actions but I cant help but believe if I had been better and not put her in a position to doubt my love for her that we would never be in this situation currently.

As far as telling her I want a divorce unless you change, I can't really do that as I know it will put too much pressure on her and when that happens and she is hurting she tends to make drastic decisions that seem like the easy way out at that time to escape the pain. I have stated that the no communication and some other things, if not stopped will push me over the edge, but that I am not mad or upset or angry with her and that it would only be for my own healing purposes. I know my part and my ignorance contributed to this a lot and I feel responsible for not being the husband she deserved, one that could sense the subtle emotion changes, the non verbal cues etc. Knowing I ever made her doubt or question my love for her is the worst kind of guilt I have ever felt. I feel like my suffering in a way is deserved for my mistakes up until the blatant disregard around January. I also am just being very open and honest about everything I can be now via text, because I hope that if she can see I am being open and honest with her that she will be able to build a bit of trust to be that way with me. I know its really hard for her to come clean with what I already know for a variety of reasons with fear of my reaction most likely being the primary based off her past relationship. I am not looking to rush things as if it ever came to this I would want to let her know in advance that it is coming and what we can do to make it as stress free as possible for her sake.

I'm sorry you are are going through a very similar situation. The bread crumbs of hope are the worst part because they seem to be able to go either way. I have told her that I will be here for her as long as she needs as long as the inappropriate stuff stops and a small bit of dialogue is opened. Without that I don't think its possible. Is he still communicating with you at least. I know we all have our own things we need and I feel like if a simple request can be honored that we can endure a lot longer than the sufferers believe we can, or understand or believe which I can understand due to the trust issues and being let down so many times before by others.
 
As far as telling her I want a divorce unless you change, I can't really do that as I know it will put too much pressure on her and when that happens and she is hurting she tends to make drastic decisions that seem like the easy way out at that time to escape the pain. I have stated that the no communication and some other things, if not stopped will push me over the edge, but that I am not mad or upset or angry with her and that it would only be for my own healing purposes. I know my part and my ignorance contributed to this a lot and I feel responsible for not being the husband she deserved, one that could sense the subtle emotion changes, the non verbal cues etc. Knowing I ever made her doubt or question my love for her is the worst kind of guilt I have ever felt. I feel like my suffering in a way is deserved for my mistakes up until the blatant disregard around January. I also am just being very open and honest about everything I can be now via text, because I hope that if she can see I am being open and honest with her that she will be able to build a bit of trust to be that way with me. I know its really hard for her to come clean with what I already know for a variety of reasons with fear of my reaction most likely being the primary based off her past relationship. I am not looking to rush things as if it ever came to this I would want to let her know in advance that it is coming and what we can do to make it as stress free as possible for her sake.

I'm sorry you are are going through a very similar situation. The bread crumbs of hope are the worst part because they seem to be able to go either way. I have told her that I will be here for her as long as she needs as long as the inappropriate stuff stops and a small bit of dialogue is opened. Without that I don't think its possible. Is he still communicating with you at least. I know we all have our own things we need and I feel like if a simple request can be honored that we can endure a lot longer than the sufferers believe we can, or understand or believe which I can understand due to the trust issues and being let down so many times before by others.

I wasn't saying to tell her you want a divorce if she doesn't change or to use it as a threat to try to change behavior, not that at all, but to genuinely ask her if she wants a divorce, since she has been talking about getting divorced and being divorced from you to other people and she is living as though you are already divorced. It's possible that the healthier and less stressful option for you both is to truly separate and end things so that you can both fully move on, but you don't know if you don't clearly and simply ask and communicate. If you are holding on to a traditional marriage and she is not there at all, you will obviously keep feeling hurt and disappointed and sick with life and she will keep feeling like an imposter with you.

And I know that it's hard, but you really have to try to stop blaming yourself for everything. I am a mess with CPTSD from being sex trafficked and I do not expect anyone else to be a mind reader or to anticipate my moods or to read my subtle potential body language cues. I expect people to listen to what I say to them directly. I have DID and almost no one has ever been able to tell when I dissociate. When you are mentally ill, you often become incredibly good at hiding how bad you feel and what you are really thinking (until you have a total breakdown). You develop all sorts of coping mechanisms to get yourself through the day without anyone noticing that you're falling apart, until you have well and truly fallen apart and the mask slips all the way off. It is not your job to interpret "subtle emotion changes." You are not a trained therapist or psychiatrist or a telepath. No one can be on and perfect and reading someone else's mind and body language 24/7. If your wife is incapable of communicating her needs clearly, then that is work that she needs to do on herself, not something that you can just pick up all of the slack on.

I feel bad for missing one of my partner's triggers (that he hates Christmas because he was deployed for most of them over the past 20 years and Christmas makes him think of being in bad, dangerous places), but I'm not going to beat myself up over it or for trying to be happy on the holidays when he could have just as easily told me, "Hey. I need alone time around Christmas and I don't want to try to do the traditional stuff. Why don't you spend the holidays with your sister's family and be happy because I just need a little space right now?" In hindsight, I read up a lot on combat triggers and came to that realization, but it wasn't my responsibility to puzzle everything together on my own, and it wasn't and isn't your job to do that in your marriage either. A partnership can only run on one person doing all of the hard work for so long before resentment builds up, usually on both sides.

It seems like you are trying to blame yourself for a lot of things, but in my situation, I know I didn't do anything wrong and my partner is trying to blame me for his feelings. It's the past trauma that is causing problems and people like you and I (the present day partners) did not cause that past trauma to our partners and it isn't our (impossible) job to heal them. It's really important to remember that. I have been very firm with my partner that no, I am not taking blame or letting him pretend that I did this to him, and that he needs to address his own childhood abuse and combat trauma. I was not there when he was a child and I did not go to war with him or send him off to fight, so I am not taking the blame for his trauma-related feelings.

I am lucky in that he has, so far, listened to me more than I expected him to. He is still going to therapy once a week to see the therapist that I originally set him up with and he took one of my letters with him to therapy because I stood up for myself and he saw himself in a new light (in a light where he had taken advantage of me and he was the problem who was hurting me and our relationship, not me), and now he is getting set up to see a psychiatrist to talk about medication options to at least treat his insomnia. I'm very happy that he is doing that work because I know how hard it is to even stick with therapy and how scary it is to try new medications. I desperately want to take care of him and I sadly would take the blame if it would actually help him, but I know that he has to stay focused in reality and he has to do the work and take the steps on his own. I'm a pushover and a people pleaser and it was hard for me to stand up for myself and disagree with him at all, but I'm glad that I did and that I didn't let him just disappear into the false narrative that he was building. As someone who has PTSD, I know I really value the people who I can trust to just be honest with me and to tell me what reality is and who hold me accountable for my own behavior. I'm trying to do that with my partner, gently.

My partner is still communicating with me currently in that he responds to my questions, he sometimes asks me questions, he sends me photos of our cats, and if I say I want to call him, he will make time for that call, and we were playing video games until I pulled away from that a bit (he would get frustrated with himself and it would make me anxious). He has also shown a continued interest in seeing sexy photos and videos of me and me flirting with him even though he does not exactly reciprocate, but I've had to pull back on that as well because I'm not comfortable sharing myself like that with someone who isn't really all in with me or there for me. He has also expressed jealousy and clearly doesn't want me speaking with other men, but that's fine because I'm not in the mood for opening up romantically to another man in the foreseeable future and I am currently willing to give him more time to sort himself out and I'm hoping we can get back together maybe later this year or the next to try to work on us, after he has time to work on himself. The communication and interaction is nothing like it used to be or should be and I have a hard time dealing with that.

Our last call, last Wednesday, I made it very clear that I love him and want to come home and go to couple's counseling and he simply said he isn't ready for that and he really needs some space to figure out his own head and that he knows he's making bad decisions and that I'm an "innocent, civilian casualty of his bad choices and f*cked up head." I'm giving him that space because I want him to feel respected by me and I know that every time we talk, I wind up crying and he winds up feeling terrible and neither of us need that. I told him if he wants to talk or needs anything to let me know or if he feels ready to address our actual relationship, to certainly let me know. I encourage him going to therapy and to the doctor. I am kind of realizing that I also need space from who he is right now because he has triggered me and now I am struggling too. Sometimes communicating is more painful than it's worth because neither of us can be the person that the other one needs right now.
 
I asked her. Well as much as I could anyway. I sent her a text earlier because that's the only communication channel I have open and even then I'm pretty sure she just ignores me or has me blocked. I have recognized dissociative signs in her action lately and I feel that is part of the reason she ignores me. She doesn't want anything that brings her back to the reality of our situation. I do blame myself for a lot, maybe more than I should but I also know a lot of places that I failed her as husband due to my issues outside of the CPTSD. You sound very strong though and I wish I could be that strong at this point. I think if there was just any type of communication it would make things a lot better. Its the being treated like I don't exist that is the hardest, and confusing in the aspect that she absolutely loves her ferrets but hasn't seen them in so long and I know they are getting older and when they die she will have even more regrets for missing the last parts of their cute little lives. I even tried sending her videos the other day while they were playing in the house to try and cheer her up but still got no response, not even an I miss them like I have in the past. I don't know if it is was too hard or if she just didn't even see them because she has me on ignore.

I understand what you mean about space as well and needing your own. I had a couple times where I needed the time apart because of some of the things she did set me off and brought back a lot of bad memories from my NPD ex and it took a lot to understand that even though some of the traits are similar there was no intent as opposed to the malicious nature of my ex

Are you in the UK by chance? I can relate to your man a bit as I did 23yrs myself in the .mil and have some issues from that as well, but not really PTSD related. For me its a guilt I carry around for one particular issue in general.
 
Supporter here.

You are not responsible for her mental health. You cannot fix or do anything to make her better. You cannot do or say the right thing to change all this. Supporter guilt is a codependent trap.

This is her. Her CPTSD is just as much a part of her as her eye color. This may be the way things are from now on. You cannot count on her getting better. She’s not possessed.

Being the supporting partner in a PTSD relationship is not romantic ride-or-die shit. You can’t love them better, and we live with the reality that at some point in time they may not be healthy enough for a relationship. What’s love got to do with mental health?

You can’t martyr yourself for a relationship. Sacrificing your mental health isn’t going to make her better.
 
I asked her. Well as much as I could anyway. I sent her a text earlier because that's the only communication channel I have open and even then I'm pretty sure she just ignores me or has me blocked. I have recognized dissociative signs in her action lately and I feel that is part of the reason she ignores me. She doesn't want anything that brings her back to the reality of our situation. I do blame myself for a lot, maybe more than I should but I also know a lot of places that I failed her as husband due to my issues outside of the CPTSD. You sound very strong though and I wish I could be that strong at this point. I think if there was just any type of communication it would make things a lot better. Its the being treated like I don't exist that is the hardest, and confusing in the aspect that she absolutely loves her ferrets but hasn't seen them in so long and I know they are getting older and when they die she will have even more regrets for missing the last parts of their cute little lives. I even tried sending her videos the other day while they were playing in the house to try and cheer her up but still got no response, not even an I miss them like I have in the past. I don't know if it is was too hard or if she just didn't even see them because she has me on ignore.

I understand what you mean about space as well and needing your own. I had a couple times where I needed the time apart because of some of the things she did set me off and brought back a lot of bad memories from my NPD ex and it took a lot to understand that even though some of the traits are similar there was no intent as opposed to the malicious nature of my ex

Are you in the UK by chance? I can relate to your man a bit as I did 23yrs myself in the .mil and have some issues from that as well, but not really PTSD related. For me its a guilt I carry around for one particular issue in general.
I think that I would be in a much worse place if my partner had ghosted me entirely and I was truly reaching the point of zero hope for our relationship, even though I do feel myself sort of closing off and preparing for the worst. I dread the point when I do try to talk to him and there's just no response and I fear the idea of the last day we talked and not knowing that it was going to be the last day. It's terrifying to be in love with someone that you can't count on or read anymore, like they just turned into a stranger that you can no longer trust at all. Just waiting to see what else they do and how much they are going to continue blowing up your life...
My heart breaks for you and the ferrets :(. I absolutely adore animals and I'm glad that you are there to take care of them when she obviously cannot. I have two cats with my partner and I was going to take the younger one when I moved out last month (the older one hates the younger one, so it wasn't a problem to separate them), but my partner was crying and very upset and anxious and I didn't want to move out all of our things (even though he's the one who said to move out) plus take one of the cats away from him when he is struggling so much, even if he is the one who kicked me out and asked me to move out. I am not able to have children and my cats are my babies and being away from them has messed me up a lot. I don't know how many more months I will let this continue before I feel that I need to take my cat back or lose her entirely. The what ifs and uncertainty are hell.
I am in the U.S. and my partner was in the U.S. military and unfortunately did multiple deployments to Iraq, Afghanistan and Somalia. I thought he was remarkably well adjusted for years until he fell apart last November. You mentioned earlier that sometimes people fall apart when they finally feel safe and happy because it's like they're in a place where they can finally break down and I think that's true in a lot of cases. It was true for me in my early 20s when I finally got my own place and felt safe, and my partner was very happy and well adjusted right before the breakdown in November.
 
That first paragraph you wrote is absolute truth. I would give anything to even have angry texts or rage calls at this point in time. Her leaving the animals is one of the most confusing things to me. We have 2 ferrets left after our older ones died a year or so back, a cat, a rescue rabbit, 4 dogs and a fish that she went all out and bought a nice big fancy tank for right before she left. The whole situation is just mind numbingly confusing to me. It sounds like we are both in very similar situations, unfortunately not very good ones.

I never heard back from her when I asked if she wanted a divorce (not like I expected much). I even asked her sister to ask her to answer me because its very important but she has her ignoring me as well now. Not really a big loss to me as her sister is not a good person and I can almost guarantee that she is contributing to the issues. Its probably good to not have kids in situations like this though so it may be a blessing at this point. My wife is unable to have kids as well but I have one from my previous marriage that loves her to death. His mom was the one I mentioned earlier that has bad NPD and he has issues from her abuse and neglect like I do. He met my current wife when he was 8 and she did a wonderful job being the mom for him that his own mother could never be. She loves him and tells everybody hes her son, which in all actuality he is. She is the only real mother he has ever known. He still doesn't know the extent of the issues though as I have been keeping it pretty tight lipped from my family because she asked me to when all this first started. The situation with my son is just one more thing that upsets and confuses me about why and how she is the way she is now.

The uncertainty you mention is the worst part. It just makes the brain run through endless scenarios of what if and slowly drives you insane. Its interesting that so many seem to suffer the same from safety and love. I can understand it though from an academic level. I just wish that she and your partner would see that same place that allowed the feelings to surface as a safe place and not associate it with the past trauma. Do you know if he is seeing a VA counselor or a civilian doc? Reason I ask is that I have had very hit or miss experiences of my own with VA docs.

Supporter here.

You are not responsible for her mental health. You cannot fix or do anything to make her better. You cannot do or say the right thing to change all this. Supporter guilt is a codependent trap.

This is her. Her CPTSD is just as much a part of her as her eye color. This may be the way things are from now on. You cannot count on her getting better. She’s not possessed.

Being the supporting partner in a PTSD relationship is not romantic ride-or-die shit. You can’t love them better, and we live with the reality that at some point in time they may not be healthy enough for a relationship. What’s love got to do with mental health?

You can’t martyr yourself for a relationship. Sacrificing your mental health isn’t going to make her better.
Thank you, the bluntness is nice. It makes me smile a bit and I appreciate it. Im really close right now to exiting this train ride just to save myself. Everyday I wake up and see our life together in the home we built and the animals and all the plans we had for the future. Im starting now to see it all but at the same time convince myself that this home of ours isnt the home of the person that she is now.
 
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