Littlesoul
New Here
I left my absv ex half a year ago, i have this hyperfixation on dating and relationships and i think it’s associated to my inappropriate relationships with others as a child. I didn’t learn much other than how to please an adult seeking that kind of relatiosnhip from a child. I just- I slap myself, as a sort of self punishment for most anything really, and today, i really slapped myself. Not too hard but I really try not to i just couldn’t stop it. I felt empty and then started crying, and dissociated a few seconds later and continued on. But the feeling triggered memories of my ex, he was the person who “saved me” the person who said I was his ride or die and I hade a moment and I looked at his instagram. I was relieved to see he didn’t have pictures with anyone else, happy almost, like this feeling like he hadn’t abandoned me. I feel so far away from everyone. So unable to be present. Unable to participate authntically. Life both feels like a game I know how to win and a horror I can never escape. I think- i just want to be held in someones arms- someone who won’t hurt me. And not be let to feed into the almost compulsory responses to intimacy that were ingrained in me and cause me to sexualize myself. I want to rely on someone authentically. Not because I’m supposed to. Not because I was trained to and am filfilling a role. But because I want to. But sometimes I really don’t think I know what it’s like to just do something (around someone else) just because I want to. Everythinng is calculated, I don’t trust anyone with myself, i have to make sure they see exactly what they need in order for myaelf to stay safe.
I think I felt comfortable with someone I knew was dangerous. It’s- comfortable- the familiarity of it. How familiar the pain is, i know that cycle like the back of my hand. I knew it. I know it.
I think I don’t even like men, i think I’m terrified of them. But I also think I will do anything- anything to keep myself safe. Anything.
I think maybe I just want to be held-
I hope this is alright, and is ok to post here, it’s 4 am and I can’t sleep and I think I needed to get this off my chest.
I think I felt comfortable with someone I knew was dangerous. It’s- comfortable- the familiarity of it. How familiar the pain is, i know that cycle like the back of my hand. I knew it. I know it.
I think I don’t even like men, i think I’m terrified of them. But I also think I will do anything- anything to keep myself safe. Anything.
I think maybe I just want to be held-
I hope this is alright, and is ok to post here, it’s 4 am and I can’t sleep and I think I needed to get this off my chest.