I Feel I Deserve To Die

[SoSadGuilty]

Maybe I deserve to die because of the things I've done. I'm sure struggling with the idea of ever forgiving myself my actions. My husband says I need to leave the past behind but I don't think I can do that knowing I did wrong. I love my kids and husband so much but am so afraid of losing them because somehow the world will find out what a bad person I am. I really wish I could just die, I hate myself so much and can't deal with knowing I'm so evil. I'm overwhelmed with guilt and shame and I'm afraid to be happy in case I get found out as the fraud I am.

 

[Stickler]

Ok...which of the seven deadly sins are we discussing here?
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_deadly_sins
Only asking that for context.

I mean...the thing is? Really evil people are usually very self-satisfied.
They can do evil and not care.

You might have done bad things, but you do not wish to do them anymore.

This makes you good.
Not perfect, but good.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

I'm so ashamed I don't think I can write it down again. I wrote about it in my intro post yesterday and in ptsd forum. I'm so ashamed and guilty about my behaviour. I am no better than all the horrible monsters described by sufferers on here.

 

[Stickler]

No, not so bad. I read it.
I think more bad things may have happened to you as a child than you remember.

...can you afford therapy? If so you would probably find a good therapist useful.
...you may want to stay on an SSRI antidepressant, as they often help OCD.

You are not a bad person.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

No, not so bad. I read it.
I think more bad things may have happened to you as a child than you remembe...

I don't know, doesn't that sound like an excuse? I know my dad was mean but I had a pretty normal and good life in comparison to most people on here. How can I excuse my behaviour EVER. I keep googling what are the characteristics of child molestors and they all say that on the surface they seem like nice people. Well people think I'm nice and kind too. I used to buy those kids comics and sweets but I always thought it was because I was doing a nice thing for them. One I felt particularly sorry for because even though her mum was a friend I thought she had a pretty shitty life. Maybe I was grooming her? I can't live with the thoughts that I am so evil and abhorrent. In my early 20s I should have known better how to act around kids. I can't keep living with this awful guilt,

 

[SoSadGuilty]

No, not so bad. I read it.
I think more bad things may have happened to you as a child than you remembe...

I am still on anti-depressant and I'm taking valium at the moment for the dreadful anxiety and fear. I'm afraid to go out in case people look at me and recognise how evil I am. I'm afraid to love my children in case they'll be taken from me or find out who I really am.

I don't know what else to do. I've self reported myself to social services for most of the things I worry about. Some stuff I didn't remember until afterwards so I wonder should I go confess that now to make sure I'm not a danger. I have spoken to parents / siblings of almost all of those I felt I may have been inappropriate around. They spoke to family and no one seemed to remember the incidents or any issues / complaints. I know in the grand scheme of things they were probably pretty minor but my god the thought of someone out there hurting or worried because of me is unbearable. I just cannot understand why I would even consider acting like that. It is abhorrent and it scares me. I fear myself so much and I can't live with the guilt.

 

[Stickler]

I really think you need to work with a therapist over this stuff, as this much self-hate is very bad.
:(

 

[SoSadGuilty]

I really think you need to work with a therapist over this stuff, as this much self-hate is very bad.
:...

But do I deserve to be hated? Would you hate me if you just heard my story on the street? Probably you would think what a sick disgusting woman

 

[Mel (Hippo256)]

I wouldn't hate you. What I read is that you're hating yourself a lot and that you have a lot of issues right now. That you're afraid you did unspeakable things. It's possible that your thoughts are clouded. Everyone sees things within his own experiences and we perceive things differently because of it. It's possible that you, because of your own experiences, judge and remember your actions worse than they were. The things you describe that you did, yes 'normal people' would find them odd. And they are signs of underlying issues. They aren't evil.

I don't think you did horrible things. But if you did, if you did things much worse than you described, you still aren't evil. Because you care about the children. You've been actively trying to figure out if it happened. You are feeling guilty, talked to the parents, don't hide it or lie about it etc. People can do bad things, but don't have to be evil. The actions, feelings and thoughts you describe after you did the 'odd things' prove this. Even if this didn't occur immediately after.
However, you're feeling too guilty and this is bad for you. It's good that you talk about it. Very good. It took me many hears and inly my boyfriend knows everything. I've had feelings and thoughts like this as well. That I did horrible things, that I am horrible. That I deserved what happened in the past because it was some sort of punishment because people could already feel I was evil when I was a young child. Guilt, shame, self-blame, self-hate, denial etc. Often people with PTSD, or who experienced abuse as a child, have a period in which they are really focused on sex and things that have to do with it. Such as masturbation. Usually you don't understand what you're actually doing and why. And usually you have periods before or after in which you detest intimacy and want nothing to do with it at all.

I understand that you feel like the things that happened in the past are like an excuse. They aren't, but it cam explain why you act or think like you do and make it understandable. You can cut yourself some slack. Some people misuse their past to do bad things on purpose and try to get away with it by saying they have traumas and they're so pathetic. You're not doing that. Most people don't do that.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

Well my sex drive is like nil at the moment and to be honest once I settled down with my husband it no longer mattered so much. The result being that my poor husband doesn't always get a lot of action in the bedroom. We've talked about it and he is very understanding.

My ocd makes all this much harder because the compulsion is to keep re running the events in my head and trying to figure out what I was thinking or feeling that I couldn't figure out that my actions around a little kid were inappropriate. I keep wanting to call her mom and check she definitely is ok but I know that she'll just think I'm nuts and I run the risk of upsetting them all as well. I was only in that child's life for 6 - 8 months before I moved away so I'm hoping that now aged 25 or whatever that she is doing fine in spite of weird me. I know I scared her when I chased her as described in my intro and I definitely didn't tell her mom the exact truth at the time but I was scared. I'm still scared, I'm terrified of who I am.

 

[shimmerz]

My ocd makes all this much harder because the compulsion is to keep re running the events in my head and trying to figure out what I was thinking or feeling that I couldn't figure out that my actions around a little kid were inappropriate.

Yes, because all indicators show that you that you are a nice and kind and caring person. You FEEL evil but feeling is not being. There is a large conflict there in your head.... and you deserve to get yourself some guidance on this because it is more than likely that you were acting out .... not inherently evil.

I know a few evil people (so do most of us). I can guarantee you, they don't ruminate about it, lose sleep over it, confess to others about it. The puzzle pieces for your stance that you are evil just don't fit. That's why the responses that you are getting are negating your thoughts that you are evil.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

Yes, because all indicators show that you that you are a nice and kind and caring person. You FEEL evi...

Thank you for your kind reply, it made me cry but then everything makes cry at the moment. I genuinely do feel awful and at the moment it is really affecting my life. I'm not eating & can't face going out. I'm afraid to be happy because I think I don't deserve it. I'm afraid I'll lose my children & husband. I'm afraid of making mistakes of being exposed as a fake.... The fear is overwhelming