I Feel Like A Mess Inside

[Jnean]

so I'm feeling sick and depressed today. Last night I tried to have sex and basically hard to say but I felt like I was raping myself. Ugh. I feel abnormal. We have a safe word and I don't have to talk about anything. I don't know why this would make start me thinking of physically hurting myself, not to death, but ideation is on my brain. Depressing me more. I over medicated yesterday too on purpose to run away from an already depressed state which only worked for a few hours. I am a mess inside, I feel like my little girl is screaming and I'm ignoring her.

 

[Friday]

I ignore my children screaming when I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with them, too :) My actual kids. That's a very real/very normal thing to do. Screaming = something wrong! ...but aside from tell us the airway is clear? (Yay!) it's not useful. It doesn't help us figure out what's wrong.

I think you're doing a badass job in figuring out what's wrong

- depression
- triggered during sex
- depersonalized during sex
- over medicated (& what role -if any- does that play?)
- struggling with self harm & ideation

Know it probably doesn't feel like it, right, now... But you're doing good! You're parsing shit, and figuring it out, and working towards solutions. That's totally badass! :D

One Q? Have you grounded yet? Is the ideation something that happens after seriously stressful situations like yesterday; or something that happens during them as either a desperate attempt to ground (self harm is usually grounding), or to escape (mixing up the past and present... The past where suicide may have been your only option... But now you've got lots of options but your brain still thinks you're back there / not here.)

Again, kudos. This sucks hard right now, but you're kicking ass!

 

[Jnean]

thank you so much Friday, my ideation is to escape and it makes sense that I would.mix up the past with the present. You said things that make me feel nice. Thank you