Relationship I Feel Like I'm Abandoning Him

[Glara]

Not sure that I'm taking responsibility? What should I not be doing? I guess I don't see the pattern.

Self care? I socialize with coworkers, parties and such. I don't really have any friends that luve close by, I do have a completely separate life from him. We live far away. I have to do things on my own. So I'm not sure what more I can do for self care.

As for my sufferer, I don't know what I should or shouldn't do when he's texting how depressed he is, and has texted suicidal thoughts. I'm not at all worried about his general well being, he has a good job, earns a good living etc etc. Its his emotional well being in worried about.

 

[Tanishq]

I guess I don't see the pattern.

It's all right Glara.

Here is what you are doing.

Your BF doesn't talk to you from last couple of days and at your end you think you are abandoning him which is not the case in reality. His depression has been isolating him, here you wonder you are not doing much for him. You are doing enough. It is your suffer who needs to connect with you back. You are letting him know you have opened your hands for him, you are welcoming him, then rest is upto him as well. He does need to connect with you. He does need to clarify things between you two for the relationship. You are there to support him, open for it and now he does need to acknowledge that and connect with you back.

Sometimes it can be tough with sufferers for supporters. When someone suffers from PTSD it takes a lot reconnect.

I hope you are understanding this.

Yes!!! supporters does need to take care of themselves in order to help their own sufferer loved ones. You do need to analyze your actions. Have PTSD or not, one has to take care of themselves.

Love relationships are two way streets. Both have to connect with each other, keep things simple and clear to avoid misunderstandings or any other troubles.

 

[Nico]

Hi Glara,
I am new here and found this site because I am going through basically the same thing you are. I'm completely shut out and I understand how incredibly painful this is for you. I feel abandoned, especially everything he and I have gone through together. Shoot, you're lucky you're even getting some communication out of him. I think you need to stop trying to push for communication from him. I know you want to be there and be supportive for him, but his ACTIONS are speaking louder than his WORDS. And his actions are saying he needs to be left alone. He knows you are there. You can't do anything more than you have done. Taking responsibility for his actions means you are blaming yourself for things he actually isn't doing. I know it's hard because you feel like things are really out of control and you're scared you may lose him. I know this all to well and this is the first time I'm going through this too. I suggest you wait for him to get through this. That's what I'm doing and trust me, there's plenty of times through the day I think about texting him, "are you ok?"

 

[Glara]

I'm not pushing him. I'm not texting him at all. That's why I'm freaking out.

 

[Nico]

I get it and I'm in the same position, but this isn't in our control. You sound like me, someone who is a giver and has a lot of love to give. Those, I'm guessing, are some strong emotions for someone with PTSD when they're not capable of giving back.

 

[Kintsugi]

I'm sorry I wasn't clear.

I was trying to point out that there is a persistent trend in your threads of this man not being there for you, you being more supportive than I think anyone should be asked to be in a relationship, particularly of this caliber (long distance dating beginning fairly recently), and him being unavailable. I am alarmed that you tolerate the BS you do and seem to receive little in return in terms of emotional availability.

Here is where I see this trend, and where I feel concerned about your self-care and boundaries.

He stopped texting... I miss him and I'm very worried... Now he's cut me off and I don't know what to do. All I do is cry and drink wine.

My sufferer hasn't contacted me in 2 days. I want to text him so badly just to check in... I am currently through my own person issues, having my own breakdown.

I texted an ecard to my sufferer... I don't know what to say, if anything, to fix it. I just wanted to send something cute and lighthearted but I think I messed up big time. I don't know what to do now. This is really hard.

He's been withdrawing for over a month. I tell him he can text or call anytime. He texts maybe once a day, I'm guessing to make sure I'm still around. Sometimes he skips a day and I feel scared I won't hear from him again. Last night I waited up for a while but never heard from him. I went to bed and fell into a deep sleep which is rare, but I hadn't slept the night before....

It's so hard knowing he's in pain and I can't tell him how much I care. It's about 6 weeks now. I know he's suffering, and I am too.

So I'm still waiting for him to come back... I find myself getting more depressed each day. I'm doing stuff to keep busy but I'm just going through the motions. I find I don't have any energy. I haven't had the energy to do my workouts and bike rides. Writing this makes me want to cry.

Now it's been 3 days. He talks to other girls on social media and seems to be active in his personal life... I'm losing confidence. I just can't understand how it can be like this, no matter how much I read. The more time that passes the more I feel like I'm being a fool.

Does this seem unusual for PTSD? Should I worry that he won't show when I arrive? I'm just confused that he doesn't talk much anymore but is excited for me to visit. I know he hasn't been sleeping much for the past month and actually became ill again which did finally make him sleep. I don't know if this has anything to do with it. He has mentioned he needs to sleep whenever he can. I'm just trying to understand why he wouldn't be calling and texting when I know he wants me to visit.

He just now texted and told me not to worry, he shut down his Facebook page, he's been on too much. I said ok, are you alright? and he hasn't answered. Sigh. I don't know if he's overwhelmed with me coming to see him or what. I'll just send a goodnight text later and wait to hear from him. I don't know now if he'll meet me at the airport.

Don't know if I can do this. I don't know what I believe anymore. My blood pressure has never been high, but now suddenly it is. I'm drinking more than ever and crying too. I don't know how to make plans for my future. I really don't know how to cope. I want someone to take care if me and make me a priority over their pets and other people in their lives etc etc. I'm just drained.

So my sufferer is in a depressive cycle, withdrawing but still making a point to check in with me. I went to a party last night but was feeling sad because of him. So I drank, a lot.

How do I balanced giving him space but checking on him when he's in a bad place. He's been answering me texts but I don't want to pressure him. At the same time he texted me something very scary after 2 days of no texts and now I'm worried.

My sufferer recently canceled plans with me and told me to visit with my Dad until he was available...

I haven't heard from him since. I texted today for the holiday. He answered quickly but said he's working and not in a good mood. I never responded.

I know he started out feeling upset and guilty about canceling on me, and he knew I was upset because I wasn't responding quickly. Then I told him about my dad, which I'm thinking maybe was to much?

He suggested me to come a day earlier than I planned. I got excited and booked a flight and sent him the itinerary. A few days later he texted that he had to work, and wouldn't be able to see me as much. Later he was texting asking if I was mad. I didn't answer until the next day. I was upset because I don't want to take a cab at midnight, he told me he'd pick me up at the airport. I explained this to him and he became defensive. He suggested I visit my dad, who isn't speaking to me, which I also explained to him. I also told I still want to see him. He never answered.

We saw each other yesterday, it was nice, but like friends. He asked me to come a day early and he'd pick me up at the airport, but then backed out. I made other arrangements... We spent yesterday together. Today he answered my first text, but hasn't answered anymore. Sigh... I just don't know.

The friend I'm staying with is grieving the loss of her daughter... She's very stressed and he still may be suicidal. Me? I'm drained. I can't wait to go back home...

I was texting good morning and good night but i stopped. I got tired of one word answers. I know he's depressed and is answering so I won't worry but I don't care anymore. I'm depressed too. I hate the holidays and my daughter moved out. All I do is go to work to pay bills. I'm lonely and tired... I'm so sad and he has no idea. He knows very little about me and my family. I don't have ptsd or clinical depression, but I am lonely because I don't have family or friends. A while back he told me I have him, but I don't. There's just no point to any of this.

So he's still not really talking to me. I texted 2 days ago, he answered right back. I reminded him that I'm still here. He answered quickly that he's here, he's ok just busy with work. (Never stopped him before). It's killing me on so many levels...

I wish I knew what to do. For him and for me. I have my own life issues, separate from him, don't have anyone to confide in right now...

I worry in these situations with our supporters on here that they would never tolerate this behavior from someone without PTSD. PTSD isn't a license to treat people below those people's relationship standards. It just means, IMO, that we need to work harder to maintain healthy relationships.

 

[Glara]

Wow that's a lot of quotes lol! I really don't know, that's why I'm on here. I do feel like that it's all me and he's not available. And, yes, normally I wouldn't tolerate it. It didn't start out that way, it was actually quite the opposite. So I just don't know. It's true that we just started dating this year, but we did date in the past. We've been chatting as friends I Facebook for about 7 years. Even then I knew he had depression issues but I thought they were just related to his life changes, marriage ending etc. I had know idea until recently that he had ptsd and what that meant. Still don't exactly and from what I read on here a lot of the stuff I'm describing isn't uncommon.

 

[Shadowofdoubt]

Holy cow Simon that must of taken some time!

Glare I truly feel for you. You love him, you worry about him, you keep hoping he will fulfill some of your needs but continue to be in want, feeling lonely but trying to continue to be strong and selfless for him.

I can relate. I have a hard time with this self care that is talked about. I deal with depression and anxiety that has intensified since I have been a friend wishing for something more from a sufferer, my drinking has increased.

I am in the process of trying to get some counseling for myself, as well as getting medically treated for my mental health. I can't remember if you said you have done some counseling but if you're able that would be my suggestion. This forum is a great place for support but some individual counseling could help you deal more with the struggles you face, help you learn how to care for yourself, and let go of some of that burden of responsibility you take on in regards to being a support for your sufferer.

 

[Kintsugi]

Sadly, the stuff you describe is absolutely not uncommon to read about on here, but just because the behavior is symptomatic does not mean anyone needs to stand for it in a relationship if it is making them unhappy. I really worry some of our supporters put up with just so much crap because they see what the relationship could be without the isolation, without the lack of contact, without the depression, without the cold words.

Could I be with a blind man? Could I be with an amputee? Could I be with a paranoid schizophrenic? Maybe, maybe, and no. There is only so much I can personally cope with in a relationship, and there have got to be some hard and fast boundaries if I want to fulfill my needs for a productive, healthy, loving, and mutual relationship.

My partner is bipolar. I have PTSD. But we have some serious ground rules, and we don't push it. We cope with enough from one another. There are some things we have said we will not tolerate. Our illness has to work within those limits and boundaries, or it doesn't work at all. We have our ups and downs, but there are some things that all the "ups" in the world could not rectify. I would not stick around in a relationship where I felt that I was spending more energy than I would ever seem to get back, and I worry that that is where you are.

I am simply asking you to assess this from the perspective of it not being PTSD. What do you really need in a relationship? What can you not tolerate? What is unacceptable? What do you need to have fulfilled by a partner, and are those needs being met? PTSD is a disorder. It's like any disability or condition. Just because PTSD comes out of tragedy does not mean it should be placed on a pedestal. Sometimes it seems like supporters just take crap because "It's all just PTSD." PTSD is chronic and life-long. The odds that a sufferer will change over the long term in short order are essentially zero. It can be coped with and managed, and you can get better over time with hard work and dedication, and it is challenging, and there are a thousand set backs it seems, but nevertheless, it's a part of one's identity that will not simply disappear with enough love thrown their way.

Your avatar sort of sums up my concerns. I gravely beg to disagree. Maybe that's some facet of love. But a relationship, in any case, is more than love I think. It's also trust, respect, and a willingness to give of yourself for another--even when it's difficult to do so--to maintain a mutual connection.

 

[Nico]

I know I'm new here and I don't know the entire story of what you have gone through, Glera, but maybe I can offer some advice. Perhaps it's the series of quotes that were posted that made me even feel like you were suffocating him. Have you thought that you might be codependent on him? I don't know the severity of your BF's PTSD, but it seems that you worry way too much and possibly reading too much online about the condition. It's good to get educated, don't get me wrong, but when you yourself are not thinking clearly, you are going to apply everything you read to your situation and think you are doing the wrong thing. For instance, "should I text him? It's been 3 days...I want him to know I'm still here for him." Sometimes it's good to turn off the computer, turn off your phone, shut down facebook and just live in the moment. He's a man and he knows you are there, so best thing for you to do is allow him to come to you. If you find you are doing all the work in this relationship, then that is total BS. He knows that he can treat you however he wants and you'll still be there. I'm just saying that there's a fine line between "being there" and "trying to force things." Again, please understand I only just joined this site a few days ago, so I could be missing a lot of your situation. Just trying to be of some support for you from an outsider looking in on the one thread.

 

[Glara]

I personally don't think I'm suffocating him. He came on very strong on the beginning but started withdrawing when he became sick with pneumonia. He started to get a little better and invited me to visit which didn't go well because his cat died. A few weeks later I got a text at work that he took his truck into the woods, with his gun, over the weekend to end it all. What do I do with that? That's when I started texting everyday because I was worried. I'm not doing that now, but I am still worried. I didn't read through all my posts that were quoted, there's too many lol. But you'd probably have to read the whole thread to get a clearer picture. I also don't usually post about the good stuff. So I guess what I'm saying is I am worried, he has guns, he took my shooting so I know they're for real. Suicide by gun is usually successful as compared to other methods. That's why I don't want him to think I'm abandoning him. I don't want him to think I got sick of his depression.

 

[Nico]

Suicide is serious business and if he has said stuff like this, then you need to contact a suicide prevention agency and have them call him.