I Feel Like I'm Loosing Myself

[tho9900]

take it easy bro... just keep on keeping on pls... dont make one of us have to call ur ass! ;)

 

[KBar87]

Feel numb. no emotions, good or bad. Feel like life could end quickly and randomly cant shake that. depressed. stay in my room all day.

Bro I feel your pain, thats what I'm like everyday I try to keep busy to keep my mind off of it. Start a hobby, I usually put puzzles together.

 

[Jimmy1]

Thanks Jimmy for the response! Yeah im taking a few different medications. I'll pm you more concerning the details if need be. Well here goes quick and to the point. Feel numb. no emotions, good or bad. Feel like life could end quickly and randomly cant shake that. depressed. stay in my room all day. Stopped working had shoulder surgery 3 weeks ago and now ive really gotten bad. cant sleep. social anxiety. thats a summary to get started with... I tried to make apt with the va this week. didnt get a call back, have to call again monday.

Theres more issues like i stated before and im working on writing another post with more info.

Mate, depression affects us all, and most likely affects every person in the world at some stage or another, it's just the severity and duration which affects us the most. Your depression will affect your sleep pattern. The social anxiety affects us all too, usually it's because we are still stuck in 'Patrol' mode and are constantly scanning for danger, so we get all anxious about it. You have to train your mind back to reality. It's actually a good thing to be conscious of your surrounds and to be on the alert for danger, but just don't let it ruin your life. You have to tell yourself that it's safe. I used to be a single dad when I was first diagnosed. I had trouble going shopping. I used to go at 6 am when nobody was around.

The way to deal with it is to drive yourself to the shopping centre, and just go for a walk down one side and back the other and go home, all the while telling yourself it's fine. Yeah you might feel ill, your pulse will be racing, but you will be fine. Do that for a week. Then when you go down, buy yourself a coffee and stop until you have drank it, then leave. The next week go to your favorite shop.

As far as it goes for family and friends, tell them you have PTSD, tell them you want to sit up the back of the restaurant where you can see the exits. Tell them you can't hack the loud noises at the moment.

You have to train yourself back again. It took me from 2006 til now to be able to take my boy to fireworks. But I got it done.

Loud noises still get to me. Crowded shopping areas still get me anxious. But I can still go.

Choose your battles too. You don't have to go driving in rush hour. You don't have to go shopping at the busiest time of the day. You don't have to go to wild party. But you can still go driving, and still go shopping, and still go out.

Hope I am not babbling too much.

Jimmy

 

[JarHed]

Choose your battles

Hey Chris,

Take your time and be patient with yourself. You've earned that right and deserve it too. If you're here, you've already made a first step toward getting better. Do let things overwelm you, they have a way of doing that. Jimmy's advise of doing something that's been difficult for you a little at a time is exactly how you regain your freedom. PTSD is always going to be with us, it just doesn't have to control every minute or our lives. Hang in there Bro.

Jar

 

[Tim Cake]

Take little steps towards "normality" -- but do take those steps no matter how bad they feel. Have an exit strategy for the little step on which you are embarking. This is like the contingency planning and mission orders that junior leaders learn in training. Don't "box yourself in" -- always have that exit strategy. When you get overwhelmed use that strategy and "bug out" to an environment you perceive to be safer. There is no shame in leaving an environment you deem to be risky. It is like using military skills to defeat PTSD. We have these skills buried deep within our brains.

N.B. This is NOT my technique -- I learned it from a clinical psychologist who is a three-tour Vietnam veteran (USMC Force Recon GYSGT). It helps me in my daily life that is full of panic attack trigger points (example -- I am nervous when in the presence of people dressed in Middle Eastern garb). Consciously scanning a shopping center (or whatever) for egress channels helps me feel in control of my environment, lowers my stress level, and reduces the frequency / severity of these attacks.

 

[chris941]

Jimmy, patrol mode absolutely kills any car ride or walk, run. Ive recently started photography and graphic design which has been keeping be busy. My mother passed away when i was 16 from cancer, she battled it my entire childhood. That on top of the PTSD I have from the army and combat has broken me down over the past 7 years. been depressed since 16 and never tried to get any help. Dealt with that when i left my house at 17 for college in ny. joined the army after that. now here i am 23 and just overwhelmed with adjusting to this life now, and dealing with family here. my sister is 20 just got married had a kid. her husband is addicted to oxy. i feel responsible for her, because my father moved on after my mother passed and got engaged to one of my moms good friends. ive had a history of substance use, but always take care of my body, exercise, eat healthy. my friends and family say they understand and what not, but most of the time they forget my circumstances and we have an intense argument concerning nothing. I live with my father at his place, but am confined to my bedroom, to awkward to see them in the house. try not to be here as much as i can, but its my safety net and im only comfortable in my room. I work as a butcher at a small gourmet meat/grocery store. But im having a difficult time holding on to that. I do great work, but between the people and noise and what not its hard to make it through the day. thats what i got for this round, more to follow.

Adding a little more, music is my life and been the only thing to get my through everything. I got into hardcore bodybuilding and that was my life. i literally carried a cooler of food around with me for the day and did numerous "cycles". I was working with a professional and he was grooming me for success, hopefully at least win a national show. It gave me a daily goal and kept my mind off everything and channeled my anger and rage. it was my passion and obsession. but i tore my bicep tendon out about 2 years ago now and havent lifted weights since. i run all the time now, but i feel weak and like shit. dont know if that life is behind me now or not just had surgery again and my shoulder shoulder be back healed soon. I have a huge beard and my hair is really long, my rooms a terrible mess. i pretty much just get high all day, run, listen to music and go to work. walk to the store every now and then. nothing satisfies this thirst i have for something and i only have gratification out of anything for a moment if im lucky. i pretty much hate myself and loathe talking to people. I think i want to talk to them and then as soon as they open their mouth I want to tell them im not listening and honestly dont care at all. i care for no one and have no love. drugs dont even seem to make me happy anymore. and thats where i stand. im not to happy with things right now, even though i have positives going on. also im seeing the world in a whole new light as of late and changed a lot of major morals and viewpoints, that isnt helping this mix of madness. 20k in debt and make minimum wage.

 

[JarHed]

Hey Chris

Thanks for taking the time to put your experiences and life up for us to get to know what you're dealing with. That alone takes great courage. Although you've been through a lot and life has dealt you some bad shit it doesn't mean it's over by any stretch of the imagination. You're at a nexus point. You've got to choose a path to follow. It sounds like you've got a number of choices, that's always a good thing. No matter what you're life has been like and what you've been through it can get better.

You've got to do it though. No one can do it for you. We can help and support you in what ever direction you decide to go but again those are decisions that you have to make. I will say this; don't hate yourself. Your the only you you've got. You've been through some miserable shit and now it's time to move forward. If you got through combat you can do this too.

I will suggest this to you. Take one thing at a time, no one can deal with 20 different things pulling them in 20 different directions, that's enough to drive anyone crazy. In debt, talk to a debt consolidation service they can help. Talk to a councelor for your PTSD, that will help your outlook quite a bit. Make a plan, stick to it and take it one step at a time. I feel alot like you do about people but I've learned that you truly can't do it alone. There are good people still out there, there just a bit more sparse. Life is like a Christmas present; you never know what it's going to be till you open it up. Enjoy your good moments even if they're few and build on them. My best wishes go with you Bro and let us know how we can help.

Jar

 

[Sarg]

Chris,
You got outstanding advice above. Don't know if I can add anything of worth except if an old, fried, beat-up guy like me can pull himself out of hell, you can too. You're much younger than I and many times stronger, you'll make it through, trust me.

Sarg

 

[Tim Cake]

Give it a shot Chris -- you have youth and strength on your side. Call the VA and tell them your problems. They will arrange to get you the help to which you are entitled. You bought and paid for your government benefits by putting yourself in harm's way. That is your first baby step -- I know it hurts to be you! All of us on this site have been in that situation, me included. There is no shame in being f*cked up after combat -- it comes with the territory. You have started on the long road to recovery by just talking about it -- now the trick is to talk about it with a licensed medical practitioner who can help you resolve your issues. Get to it soldier -- you are worth the effort!

 

[Kurt Weiland]

I'm new here and I'm reading all I can. I read this entire thread and it all sounds so familiar. Mine is a long story like the rest of you. In a nut shell, I served with 1/41 Infantry as a dismount grunt in Desert Storm. My war was short but what I did and saw had a profound effect on me. My symptoms took 10 yrs to manifest and come out. I was a shy individual before the Army and now I am self riteous, defensive and aggressive. 9 yrs ago I quit drinking all together and sought help at a Vet Center and VA doc. Was nice but a bad fit. I quit my meds and therapy and suffer all the time, esp. around deployment dates. The worst is the anger. I feel like anyone who wrongs me should suffer. I am the worst behind the wheel of the car and have visions of driving offenders off the road or hoping they will crash and burn further up the road. What keeps me from following through with my actions I have no idea, maybe the littlest shred of common sense I have left and the consequences that will follow. I punch things, destroy things and internalize this anger and become passive aggressive toward those I work with, and the people I come into contact with. The anger makes me sick to my stomach and effects my body in bad ways. I don't know how long I can keep it up before I snap again. just before I quit drinking I went accross the dinner table at the firehouse and nearly choked out a captain who needled me all day, after 13 hours of the abuse I snapped. Nearly lost my job and family. I was forced into a 5 day resident stress home. It was great while there and the outside world didn't exist. Now after that I am left to deal out here and don't do it well. I keep it together enough to "get by" but I'm missing out on life. I want what I had before deployment and feel it is a pipe dream and have been told by a fellow Vet and therapist that it pretty much is, so I ask myself whats the point to it all? Like many here I'm sure, suicide and self destruction has been contemplated, I have had these thoughts and attempts made. Thankfully not successfully but life is just passing me by and everything is stressful, even the things I enjoy are a burden and I talk myself out of doing things because of it. I am recluse, depressed and a mess. On the outside I hide it well but that I'm afraid cannot continue. Now a loss for words because there is just so much to say I can't organize it. Thanks for listening. Kurt W.

 

[reddevil1111]

Yeah Kurt I dream of a m-2 .50 mounted in the windshield for traffic control. It is not hopeless but you do carry this for life. The point being if you can learn to cope and avoid the stressors and use the meds all the time (they can help you deal better with the bad times for sure) You can learn to "control" the PTSD most of the time. Maybe not perfect but pretty close. That is the goal most of us in here have. The controlling of the stress and its causes is the hardest part and the roughest as well. But there are a few guys in here that have figured it out. Its got to be hard work as you have to talk it all out, get over it or learn how to accept it, stop feeling like everything is your fault and deal with the anger/rage. I think only then can you learn to live with the beast in a manageable form. Untill then its pure hell.
I myself am learning to deal with the anger and rage. I have talked it out till I am blue in the face and I cant accept what happened and my actions. So I have to learn to cope with it.But for me personally, the anger/rage is the worst part. Maybe then I will be better at human contact. As it stands, I would be great for a solo mission to mars. Maybe even further. :)

 

[mikeRVN]

I have a sudden an explosive rage and time hasn't seemed to dampen it. One thing I made a point to kept it out of the home. I needed a safe place to retreat to so I kept arguments with my wife to a minimum. I have always had road rage, I go from calm and collected to full rage in seconds. This is especially so if the other driver did something deliberate. Everybody makes mistakes driving so I'm forgiving of honest driving mistakes no matter how dumb.

After awhile I feel like “hey, I've won, no more PTSD or rage,” then out of the blue something will happen and I'll explode all over again. It's an up hill battle. You win some and lose some but the more better days between episodes the better you'll be.

Some of you young guys need a “time out” place, a quiet place to relax. I go to a local cafe and get a full breakfast. I get a table away from others and bring along a magazine I like. Hemmings motor news for me. I pretend I've won the lottery and go through circling all the cool cars I'd buy (man I'd need a huge warehouse). If you can tune out all the noise around you, just let yourself go. This is your time. Maybe music or running, whatever.

These are just my own thoughts on the matter.