I feel like there’s a monster inside me

[Smile]

Since I was a small child I’ve felt this way. As though I can, at any moment, hurt someone.

This is coming from a child who from the moment I learned how to walk, would carefully walk around birds so as not to scare them. I was always super sensitive so to have these “impulses” just never computed with me.

There’s one time that’s I acted on it and till today, I eat myself up over it. I tell this story with the full knowledge that I may get kicked off this site or worse. Here goes...

I was 11 & my brother was getting married in a different country. I had a few siblings who lived there, one being my oldest sister (by 19 years) so her childhood (7 of them) were very close in age to me.

It was the day of the wedding and I was watching my sisters then youngest who was about 8 months old. I had to change his diaper so I went to do so. After I changed him (he was/is the sweetest child) he was lying on the changing table and this “devil” came out to play. I suddenly had the urge to hurt this innocent baby.

So... I pinched his cheek until he cried. It was all very fast. The second he started crying I felt TERRIBLE, picked him up and cuddled him. He probably cried for 3 seconds.

That’s the end of the story. But for me I carry it as such a heavy burden. He’s turned out great, happily married with 2 beautiful children of his own but every time I see or speak to him, I relive it and feel like a piece of super duper crap (without cursing ?).

Today I decided to tell him. Then I rethought it and decided to first tell his mother (my sister) & get her opinion on what was best for him... to hear it or not.

Before I spoke to her I was fully prepared for her to be so angry and upset that we may never speak again. But I just had to get it off my chest somehow. Somehow alleviate all that pressure.

I prepared her first by telling her that I’m about to tell her something that may cause her to never speak to me again. God, it was hard saying it... I’ve only once repeated the story and that was to a therapist. And it’s been about 25 years so yeh...

Her response was: she laughed and said that I was making a big deal about nothing. That if she had been there when it happened she just would of said, “what r u doing? Stop that it’s not nice.” And then would of forgotten about it. She works in education/with children and told me that what I did is very normal. She said I was just a child myself and I need to forgive myself.

I argued. What if he has issues today because of it? Because of ME? Again, she had a very logical response to refute it.

I can’t lie, her response made me feel slightly better. But I KNOW this is or the end of me beating myself up about it. Or maybe it is... I can only hope. Although I don’t think I deserve that “get out of jail free” card.

Thoughts? Anyone experience anything similar? If yes, do you know where it stems from? (Aside from me simply being a monster).

Hope your all having a GOOD day,
Sincerely,
The devil

 

[Teamwork]

I’ve done far far far worse. I was a child too. I’m still trying to understand why if a child it is innocent and forgivable.

 

[Friday]

Her response was: she laughed and said that I was making a big deal about nothing. That if she had been there when it happened she just would of said, “what r u doing? Stop that it’s not nice.” And then would of forgotten about it. She works in education/with children and told me that what I did is very normal. She said I was just a child myself and I need to forgive myself.

Yep. Exactly what she said.

 

[siniang]

You're beating yourself up for pinching a child in the cheek?

You mentioned you talked to a therapist about it - what did the therapist say? There's probably way more to this, underlaying - but pinching a child is not it.

 

[Smile]

I’ve done far far far worse. I was a child too. I’m still trying to understand why if a child it is innocent and forgivable.

Right?! Exactly my thoughts! Thank you ??

Yep. Exactly what she said.

Thank you for saying that. Hopefully one day I’ll believe that

You're beating yourself up for pinching a child in the cheek?

You mentioned you talked to a therapist about it - what did the therapist say? There's probably way more to this, underlaying - but pinching a child is not it.

Well, it wasn’t just a child. It was my nephew who I love so much and would never want to hurt. It’s like something took over me.

Re the T: it’s funny you should ask bc I can’t for the life of me remember! I think it may of had something to do with me re-enacting whatever happened to me as a child and/or feeling powerless and so trying to regain power with someone smaller than me? But I’m really not sure ?.... my memories terrible.

I’ve done far far far worse. I was a child too. I’m still trying to understand why if a child it is innocent and forgivable.

I’m just wondering, did you find a way to reconcile it with yourself? To be at peace with it?

Thank you all SO SO very much for your understanding responses. I was fully prepared to be reported and bashed.

You’re all a godsend... you’ve helped my mind find a bit more peace

 

[siniang]

Really, try not to blow it up to something that it isn't (yes, I know, hard :) ) Children really do all kinds of stupid things, even to nephews. If it wasn't for the next part of your quote, it honestly sounds to me like a normal child pushing some boundaries. Trying something they know is wrong and see what happens. Just as your sister said: it's perfectly normal for children, even (particularly!) at that age.

I think it may of had something to do with me re-enacting whatever happened to me as a child and/or feeling powerless and so trying to regain power with someone smaller than me?

This is something you might wanna address with a therapist.

 

[Sideways]

Recognising distorted core beliefs is huge. We can’t start to take power out of them till we recognise they’re there.

I could tell you that, rationally: a monster wouldn’t have had a guilt trip. A monster would have enjoyed inflicting pain, and would have decided that since this is fun, I’m gonna find more ways to hurt people...right?

At 11 years old, you decided to try and make sense of this horrible self-concept you were secretly carrying around. No one except you is carrying around any pain from that experience, and 11 year-old you, who was just a kid, deserves some compassion. It’s absolutely awful for a child to think such horrible, completely undeserved things about themselves. Your nephew is fine - it’s 11 year-old you that needs the hug right now.

But with core beliefs like this one? It’s gonna take time for brain to allow for the possibility that “I might be wrong about this...”.

My big one was that I was toxic - that my mere presence was enough to turn good people into horrible, abusive people. So anyone I really liked, or respected, I had to get them out of my life permanently.

I’m not actually toxic, although believing that is still a work in progress. Just like you don’t have a monster inside you. It’ll take time for beliefs that big, that strong, that we’ve carried around that long, to shift.

What you definitely do have inside you is a whole lotta pain. And one of the challenges of recovery is to figure out a way to heal that pain. That’s when the beliefs like “I’m toxic”, or “I have a monster inside me” start to lose their power, and eventually get replaced with more compassionate, realistic self-concepts:)

 

[Ronin]

I’m pretty sure I’m a monster...

Monsters are human & can do good things, too.
& Some times need all the hugs they can get.

 

[PreciousChild]

I just want to say that I'm glad you got up the courage to reveal the big "secret" to your sister. That distortion definitely needed sunlight and a chance to be corrected. I agree with everyone that what you did does not deserve the guilt you've felt all of these years.

 

[EveHarrington]

I have crazy kinds of thoughts every so often.

Thank goodness we can’t be convicted for having bad thoughts alone.

As a kid you acted on the thought. This doesn’t make you a bad person. Now as an adult you have the thoughts but you don’t act on them. This is key! You don’t act on them. You aren’t alone in having these kinds of thoughts. :hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Wow can I related. Except, as a child, I molested a baby boy. I, still today even after 10 years of therapy, call myself a monster. I do have thoughts of "what if he has issues today" as he was a baby I was baby sitting and have no idea how he is doing today.

That said, I can tell you that what you did is normal chidhood stuff. But, how to stop seeing yourself as a monster? I don't know as I haven't gotten there yet. Forgiving yourself is key. Acknowleding anything that was going on at the time that influenced it is also key. Also, aknowledging that you were a child with a child's mind. Very much influenced by your surrounding. Adult you would behave differently as you now have an adult mind and are no longer influenced by the same stuff. But, that said my therapist always says its not fair for adult you to judge the actions as a child as back then you had a child's mind, not an adult mind as you do today. If that makes sense.

Hopefully all of this makes sense. It did help me to get it out to my therapist and also to others here. It helped me to get outside input. And then working on that "monster" image in therapy has also helped.

 

[Smile]

Recognising distorted core beliefs is huge. We can’t start to take power out of them till we recognise they’re there.

I could tell you that, rationally: a monster wouldn’t have had a guilt trip. A monster would have enjoyed inflicting pain, and would have decided that since this is fun, I’m gonna find more ways to hurt people...right?

At 11 years old, you decided to try and make sense of this horrible self-concept you were secretly carrying around. No one except you is carrying around any pain from that experience, and 11 year-old you, who was just a kid, deserves some compassion. It’s absolutely awful for a child to think such horrible, completely undeserved things about themselves. Your nephew is fine - it’s 11 year-old you that needs the hug right now.

But with core beliefs like this one? It’s gonna take time for brain to allow for the possibility that “I might be wrong about this...”.

My big one was that I was toxic - that my mere presence was enough to turn good people into horrible, abusive people. So anyone I really liked, or respected, I had to get them out of my life permanently.

I’m not actually toxic, although believing that is still a work in progress. Just like you don’t have a monster inside you. It’ll take time for beliefs that big, that strong, that we’ve carried around that long, to shift.

What you definitely do have inside you is a whole lotta pain. And one of the challenges of recovery is to figure out a way to heal that pain. That’s when the beliefs like “I’m toxic”, or “I have a monster inside me” start to lose their power, and eventually get replaced with more compassionate, realistic self-concepts:)

Thank you! Your reply was honest and kind and compassionate. I’m so sorry for your beliefs in yourself but it sounds like your on the path to rectifying that so I’m happy for that :)

Wow can I related. Except, as a child, I molested a baby boy. I, still today even after 10 years of therapy, call myself a monster. I do have thoughts of "what if he has issues today" as he was a baby I was baby sitting and have no idea how he is doing today.

That said, I can tell you that what you did is normal chidhood stuff. But, how to stop seeing yourself as a monster? I don't know as I haven't gotten there yet. Forgiving yourself is key. Acknowleding anything that was going on at the time that influenced it is also key. Also, aknowledging that you were a child with a child's mind. Very much influenced by your surrounding. Adult you would behave differently as you now have an adult mind and are no longer influenced by the same stuff. But, that said my therapist always says its not fair for adult you to judge the actions as a child as back then you had a child's mind, not an adult mind as you do today. If that makes sense.

Hopefully all of this makes sense. It did help me to get it out to my therapist and also to others here. It helped me to get outside input. And then working on that "monster" image in therapy has also helped.

Wow, you are brave. Thank you so much for sharing with me... it means so much. Like you said, you wonder how he’s doing now (I’m sure he’s fine), I wonder the same thing every single time I see him, speak to him etc. when I hear that he’s back in therapy, I wonder if that’s because of me. Logically I can see that that doesn’t make sense but logic does NOT rule my mind ??