General I Fell in Love - What Should I Know About Girlfriend Diagnosed With PTSD?

[unbroken]

Hello. I'm new to this forum and have read a few stories/posts, but aside from spending the next few hours reading I thought I'd risk asking the same questions and see if anyone has some suggestions for me.

I will start by saying that I come from a broken home where there was a lot of abuse: mental, emotional and physical. Instead of breaking down, I overcompensated a little by caring for myself emotionally when family let me down. I'm almost 50, never married, and have no kids, and rarely date because I've always wanted to marry someone who would stay with me forever (however cliche that may be). Despite my upbringing, I've never been abusive, and have always managed to stay afloat and have been self-sufficient since I was a teenager...despite my parents thinking I would be the needy one of the family. I raised my younger siblings after my parents split, and although I never really had much of a childhood I don't regret what life has handed me. Therapists have told me that I don't really need therapy, but sugggested my family needs it. lol I guess I'm doing okay overall, though occasionally it would be nice to have a shoulder to lean on.

Now on to why I'm here. I met a woman not long ago and we fell in love with each other. Rather quickly, I might add. Not only am I physically attracted to her (and feel completely unworthy of someone with her looks), but we just clicked and it was very comfortable for us both. She had been single a few years, and was very picky about whom she dates, and that describes me as well.

As we've gotten to know each other, I've learned more about her and have found out that she has been diagnosed with PTSD due to an incident I'm not comfortable sharing (respecting her) and as such I've seen her mood swings and getting ill because of the stress. Before I knew what I was getting myself into, I fell for her big time, and don't really feel like giving up on her. She's shown me a couple sides to her personality, one where she's confident and mature, and another where she's almost like a little girl, crying about why all these horrible things have happened to her. I want to stay strong for her, because I do love her, but I also wonder if I'm in over my head.

She can't work because of her stress (per her doctor) and is on disability, and she also has some other outlying issues she hasn't told me about yet. I hate to think that I'm co-dependent or that I think I can 'fix' her, but I can say that she has fallen for me in a big way, and I hope that's a good thing rather than a bad thing.

Sorry this is so long for a first post, but I do care about her very much and don't know where to turn. I don't want to betray her trust by talking to her family as I don't know them all that well yet. So any thoughts/comments are appreciated. If you tell me that I need to 'get out quick' I'm not sure if I will follow that advice, so I guess I'm asking if people can live with this in a partner and not have it affect their lives beyond the normal crap we go through on a daily basis.

thank you....

 

[Nicolette]

Welcome Unbroken

I have read your post and agree you have a lot to be proud of. I will chat to you later when I have spent some time thinking about what you have written. In the meantime feel free to explore the forum and read the information [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/forum43.html[/DLMURL].

I look forward to chatting to you more.

 

[unbroken]

Hi, thanks. I realize I probably posted this in the wrong spot, so if it needs to be moved I understand.

Thanks for the comments, I only wanted to post my situation to paint a picture of what I've been through, and not to highlight my own accomplishements, so I apologize if I came off as sounding 'proud'. I just felt it was necessary to identify that I realize my own situation is less than optimum, so while some of my friends might see my girlfriend as "lots of drama", I see her as someone I care about and want to help.

As I mentioned, I truly fell for her before I found any of this out, and even though it has made me 'think' about things, I still love her.

thanks....

 

[spiritofnow]

Hi unbroken,

I really want to answer your thread. Especially as apsects of your girl resonate with me; uncontrollable crying, feeling like a lost little girl.

I also want to think about what I write as it is important for me to be as objective as I can.

Speak soon.

Spirit x

 

[spiritofnow]

PTSD and Love!

Unbroken,

I think I should firstly start on the premise of whether people on here should encourage you to 'get out quick' as you put it!

I only think people would suggest that if you were in danger, being emotionally abused or otherwise. It does not appear at this stage that any of these things are present.

I have been thinking about your dilemma throughout my day...

Here goes....Relationships are complex, as I am sure you are more than aware. When we enter into an emotional and physical relationship with another person we each bring into this our own life experiences. Our life experiences shape the foundations of the expectations we have concerning how that person might behave towards us and how we expect to be treated by them!

PTSD does not define your girl, but it is nevertheless a large part of who she is. She has PTSD because she has experienced some form of trauma and it is that very experience that may effect her expectations of you and of herself. I believe this is where the hard work really comes in.

Speaking from my own personal experience I can honestly say that my expectations superseded the reality of what my last partner could offer me. This was down to his life experiences or lack of and a combination of my desires. Sometimes I believe I expected too much from him. In reflection I can honestly say that I wanted him to save me. My relationship has ended with him, although we are trying to remain friends. Since this time I have learned that the only person that can truly save me is indeed me!

This PTSD journey is about firstly recognising that you are indeed unwell and the only way to mend this is to visit the core of all of your troubles. And let me tell you, it is as scary as hell! However, facing your demons from the past is THE ONLY WAY!

I will come out and tell you my experiences as it may help you and I know it will be good for me to just come out and say it. I was sexually abused from the age of nine upwards and lived amongst a terribly dysfunctionally family.

The effects of that; this is where I could see a reflection of me in the description you gave of your girl. I have realised that I was very childlike in my relationship at times too! My feeling on why this is; imagine your girl experiences trauma at the age of 10 (just as an example), then imagine that the symbol for her troubles is a puddle of water. This puddle of water is all of the emotions that she experienced from the trauma, and it covers her feet. Now imagine your girl at the age of 20, she is grown and has more life experience some good some not so good. But, she is still standing in that same puddle of water, but perhaps with more water now, from more negative experiences.

This puddle of water is a metaphor for being frozen in time. The childlike quality is down to her being frozen in time? What do I really mean? She has never experienced the emotions from her trauma from the perspective of that little girl and until she can and does do this the confused, scared, distrusting little girl will remain with her. It will influence those foundations I spoke of earlier.

I guess I have taken the long way round to saying that I believe that we all deserve the right to be loved no matter how troubled our background's are. However, whether that love is strong, healthy and realistic depends on where both parties are in terms of their emotional growth.

You can only help your girl if she is willing to help herself. You cannot fix her unbroken, you cannot even save her. But what you can do is be a guiding light in the dark. You can love her as best you can and hope that it is enough! You can do all of these things to the best of your ability if you truly love yourself too!

You can learn together and you can love together but her her journey is primarily down to her! Take it from someone who is now treading their own path.

I should express that it does not necessarily matter at what age the trauma takes place. I still feel it is relevant to being frozen in time. PTSD encompasses many dysfunctions and denial is the largest IMHO. Obviously, time and PTSD do have implications, I am just using the child as an example I am familiar with. I have many facets unbroken, mature, intelligent, reasonable, successful, a mother. However I can also be the opposite to all I have listed, and a very lost little girl at times.

I hope I have helped you and not confused you at all?

Sent with love
Spirit x

 

[unbroken]

Thanks, Spirit...
The one thing that I truly love about her is that she isn't the kind of person who gives up when things aren't perfect, and I'm not used to that. We've had a couple problems early on (some of them my own insecurities) and instead of her thinking that it's over she told me that I had to believe in my heart that she has fallen for me. She's even talked about our future together (marriage), which she admits is something she never thought she'd ever feel.

I know I have my own issues, but for some reason she feels very connected with me. She knows that I was an abused child, yet she has never once felt that I was capable of becoming abusive, despite my claim that I could never prove that I'm not capable (how do you prove something like that?). She just feels very strongly that I'm the guy for her, and I have the same feelings for her...as if I've waited my whole life to be with her.

There are some underlying issues, and I don't know if she comes here (doubtful) but if I do tell you then she will know it's her and I've told her I wouldn't share her past since it was hard for her to share it with me. Suffice to say, there have been three major things happen in her life that have affected her, and though I don't see myself as her 'saviour' from her past, I know that she is working through it and wants to get better for herself, and that's the most important part of it.

Knowing that I went through years of what I call the abuse trifecta: mental, emotional and physical, I'm very flattered that she has not had one ounce of fear towards me. She fully trusts me and that's something that really moves me.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me, I know I'm not completely fixed myself and have been working through some of my own issues. But right now my focus is on being the best me that I can be ... for her, because I do love her. I grew up taking care of someone else's children (my siblings) so it's kind of my nature to want to help people, even though I know I'm not anyone's knight in shining armor. Besides, that stuff really chaffes my thighs. :)

thanks...

 

[spiritofnow]

I just wanted to add that, that was very difficult for me, to expose myself as I did. thank you for giving me the opportunity :-)

Spirit x

 

[spiritofnow]

You remind me of someone.

You sound like a wonderful partner to and for her! I am in a rush right now, but I would love to catch up with you again and see how you are both getting on.

Spirit x

 

[unbroken]

Thanks Spirit...I don't know if I'm really a wonderful partner for her. I'm still trying to understand her situation, and I want to help her as much as I can. I know she is wanting to get better - for herself - and that's important. But sometimes it's a little harder for me than I thought it would be (not that I thought it would be easy). I know she loves me, but I sometimes feel like she doesn't fully appreciate the sacrifices I'm willing to make for her. I don't meant to sound arrogant, so forgive me if I come across that way, but it just takes a bit more patience and understanding than I thought I'd have to give to a woman in her 40's.

We got into an argument on the phone the other night, and it was right after she spent a half hour crying about her family and how 'terrible' they all are to her. When she started in on me I got a little defensive because she accused me of saying something I didn't say. She insisted she "knew what she heard", and of course there was nothing I could say to convince her she misunderstood. I'm a very honest person, and if I had said what she thought she heard it would have been a blatant lie, so there's no way I would have said it - because it's just not true. She was blamestorming and I got caught in the crosswinds, I guess, so there wasn't anything I could do to calm the storm.

We hung up the phone because she was upset with me, and I thought for sure that she didn't want to see me anymore. She sent me an email the next morning saying that she was seeing a completely different side of me, and I didn't know how to tell her that she was painting me into a corner with the accusations. I know I have faults, but when I get cornered it's very difficult for me to just cave, I did that for too many years.

When I called her it I didn't know what to think, but she was planning dinner for me that evening ... to her it was just something that happens between 'couples'. However, she now thinks I have a communication problem. I didn't even want to talk about our argument because I knew where it would go, but she's placing the whole situation on me as if she didn't have anything to do with it.

So how am I supposed to handle it - when she tells me I did or said something that I didn't say or do? I love her with all my heart, but it's not fair to me to let her accuse me of things I haven't done.

It all just makes me very sad, and I begin to question if I'm in over my head with her. The sad thing is that her last boyfriend made matters worse because he beat her up in a drunken rage, and it just compounded the problems.

Sorry, I'm rambling now....I'm just confused and wonder if I'm helping her or hurting her.

 

[Wishmaster]

Welcome. My wife and I have a similar situation. At first Lucky and I were just friends, we are both quite picky when it comes to being with someone, and we just started chatting and the next thing we knew it we were engaged. It has had its share of ups and downs, but it takes a strong person, and a couple that knows the true meaning of "love" in order to make it work. Lucky and I are quite happy, and I wish you and yours the best for the future. The road may not be easy, but the closeness that you will share with your girlfriend is greater than most couples will ever know. :)

 

[linasmom]

Unbroken,

I'm here on this forum because I suffer from PTSD and I wanted to just offer to you what I know, from my own personal experience, how PTSD can affect communication.

I have, on many occasions, taken what someone has said to mean something else. It's as if the words went into one ear and then recalculated themselves somehow and I processed them in a manner that was never intended. This especially happens when I'm already in a stressful state of mind.

My advice is to talk to her about it again when she is not so emotionally wound up. This allows her to go into the conversation with a more rational state of mind, and more receptive to actually listening to what you intended and not what she heard.

Many times, after I've calmed down, I'm able to hear what was intended on my own instead of what I thought I heard. It's embarrassing but I've learned to be honest about it now and accept that I do this. Once one can accept and be honest about how their mind is processing certain information, then one can start to fix the problem.

Good luck.

Best,
Rachel

 

[unbroken]

Thanks Wishmaster, yes it's a struggle and I want it to work out, so I'm trying my best to be patient and understanding. I think it's safe to say that she and I are a couple, and past the wonder stage, she means a lot to me.

Thanks for your thoughts, I've been through a lot in my life and I'm sure I can handle it, I just have to get used to the idea that someone else cares about me the way she does...it's been a long time! :)