I Hate Myself Today

[Chiqui]

it brings one into the present moment, makes one aware of what ones senses are experiencing

I like this. Nobody has explained to me on this way. This fits me! Thank you @SheilaKathy

 

[Chiqui]

The Anniversaries suck. Having a hard time. No, you are not in India anymore :cautious::cry:

 

[Changing4Best]

Feeling for you, @Chiqui and wanting for it to be all better. Yes, anniversaries are bad, some years worse than others. I never know what each year will bring with it, when an anniversary comes around. A lot of it depends upon my mood going into the anniversary. If I am in a good mood, usually things don't go too badly. However, if not, things can be really messed up and sad. So sorry you are going through this!

 

[Chiqui]

Thanks for your support @SheilaKathy
I feel all this up and downs in my mood. But every year is difficult

 

[Changing4Best]

Oh yes, I know all about ups and downs in mood, I specialize in that ;)

 

[Chiqui]

They made me extremely poor. I was told I would be homeless if eventually left them. Also that errand evil spirits will posses my body, and more of this horrible things.
Also I was forced on celibacy,vegetarianism, no friends outside, no cinema, newspapers, minimun contact with my real family, fasting, 5 hours sleep, no eye contact with "unpure ones" constant free work for them , constant meditation, isolation, old clothing, no money for dentist or doctors, no exercise.
I scaped on 2008

Reading this makes me cry now..

 

[Changing4Best]

Physically you are free from all this now, though the memories will haunt you and plague you sometimes, as with any trauma. When the memories do hassle you, try going for a walk, or purposely doing something that they denied you, like going to a movie or looking someone in the eyes!

 

[Chiqui]

Back to my private dairy. Shame It is been an issue lately. I don't say what I need, even often I don't know what I need...I was trained to disown my thoughts and feelings, so this is a hard one.
And, if I say, I blame myself cruely for It. Because may be I have hurted the other with setting my limits, for verbalizing what I need, etc.
So, a persecution starts in order to break me down...so most of the times I am so scared of the persecution, that I stay silent.
I say to myself, its not important. But It is...

 

[Changing4Best]

Yes, it is important. If you feel you can't write it here, write it in your journal by hand. If you feel that it is dangerous to have it around after you have written it, you can always tear it up or burn it, but get it out of your system if you can, if you know what it is that you need. Try as hard as you can to express your needs to yourself. You are worth it! There are folks like me and others here too, that care very much about you! Take care of yourself. Be good to yourself. Buy yourself a gift or something. Maybe a book that will help you heal.

 

[Chiqui]

More than three years... I am not rushing with this. Many changes. I don't hate myself anymore with that bitterness. I have learned to stay on that inner communication, so many what's up, dear? frecuently.. I can forgive myself, at last in a very good degree. It wasn't my fault. I was young, I was alone, I need to find some kind of sense in my life. So, here I am, still dealing with it, but doing better, much much better.

 

[Chiqui]

Dying to self, your evil nature and be re borned into a our cult pseudopersonality, I was told. I should not be surprised when, even now, I find so hard to believe that I matter.. It's as if I would be living ignoring myself. I do matter, and my life is important... Still way to go

 

[somerandomguy]