I Hate Myself Today

Thanks, Lola. But I do, and I need sone exposure on this and try, on this way, to learn forewer that what I know about cults manipulation and my life now walk together, with the smallest amount of shame and guilt, if any.
Thanks for your support and reading. I truly appreciated it, Lola :hug:
Re reading Take back your life, after seven years. Feeling sorry for that self. She was living in a fog, feeling she can barely survive each day. She didn't know how to deal with her confusion. All she wanted to do was to get through the day and maybe get some sleep. And her hope, survive.
I don't know how much I have changed my life yet. Still find a profound separation from the world. That everything and everyone is unsafe. But that is a distorted thinking. I feel safe here, on this web, even though if any person can read what I wrote. Nobody, until now, have said anything nasty to me. I have received lots of support and respect. Within the cult I was living in hell, so this is heaven for me. Ok. No hell neither heaven. Solace, hope, chance to learn and heal. Good. Well done, girl.
I keep on reading. I have been told what to think and what to do 24/7 for more than a decade. It should surprises me why it takes ages, if I do, to make decisions,

Remember Maria, other effects: inability to think clearly
a loss of self esteem
a loss of self confidence
a regression to a childlike, dependent state of mind, after having given up varying degrees of selfdetermination.
lack of trust
Inability to act, feeling frozen by fear

Thanks. This will help me to stop selfblaming xx
Well...I don't hate myself today. I feel a bit lost. I find more and more difficult to remember things. In two day I have an appoinment with my doc, to check up my meds. I don't want to any changes. Melatonin wasn't working, so I stopped. Sleep it is not stable, but, honestly, I don't want to sleep like the rest of the world. Mornings are full of stresfull people in the city and I have nothing to do. So whats the point? I don't want to behave or facke as if I would be a normal person, I am not.
I'm sorry the melatonin didn't help your sleep. I hope you're able to find ways to get rest and rejuvenation, even if it's not actually through sleeping. ¡Cuídate bien, Mariaaaaaaaaaaa!
Well...I feel divided inside today. Blamming and desempowering myself with every thought. And a low voice inside telling this is not right, you don't deserve all those insults, things can be different for you, you can make a change in your life. But I don't know how...yes, I have lots of good ideas avout, just I can't see me doing them.
Yes, you can let things be different, now. Powerful realization, even though it's hard to actualize. Once you get there, though, you realize it was easier than you ever imagined. Just let yourself be, just be. Eres una persona buena. Eres.

¡Muchos abrazos, guapa!