I Hate Myself Today

Good insight Maria, buena visíon. Does your husband know your history? Is he supportive of you when his mother comes to visit? You've talked about her before, how hard it is for you when she's around. I don't have any advice but it sounds like you are figuring things out on your own. I'm proud of you. ¡Stay strong, mí Amiga!
 

Chiqui

MyPTSD Pro
Muchas gracias por tu contestación, apreciada Lola. Sí él me apoya y está conmigo. I recognize lots of distorted thinking when she is around, as a big stressor. She came for as small surgery at the city, and we agreed for to her stay longer for recovery. Even I did some cure for the stiches!! Guess I am getting better on dealing with her feelings, and my feelings, and my distorted thinking. I will need few days to notice the impact on me, if any...now I just feel confussed and bit empty. I will do sone drawing and listen some music to reselfconect. Thanks again and best whishes. Also proud of you, wise woman :hug:
 

Chiqui

MyPTSD Pro
Back to my diary, I would like ti write down here everything that brings my attention about the book I just start reading for second time. Take back your life, by Janja Lalich and another writter. I haven't the book with me right here, buy I will mention her too.
Someone spoke about shame today in the forums. And how shame can't live under the sun. First thing that comes to my mind is : I feel so ashamed of myself because thi happenned to me...should done something about, run when I could...the thing is I hadn't anywhere else to go, my mind was completly brain washed and mind control tecniques, designed personally for me where on 24/7 .Said this, I still can't forgive myself. And I am covered on shame and guilt. This is how I feel right now. I see my T tomorrow morning and will tell him the truth.
The cult gave me all the answers about my past. Why certain things happenned, everything had a meaning for my next life step...yes and no. I made wrong choices and paid for my own mistakes. They gave me the chance of «trancend». Also was so appeling for me...to leave the social inadaptation, the perpetual isolation and new peers, a «real family» who understood where I was coming from. And the most delicious sweet: the chance of leaving my old, ugly and sad personality and become a shinny bead on gods eyes, a lider, someone important, relevant, an example for others. A sweet, soft, beautiful and lovely girl was in charge of seduce me. Constant blessings, chit chat of we.two, phone calls of how are you doing today, chosen one? She just showered me with adulation, seen my best in my worst, encorage me to learn meditation and cretive visualization. Hypnosis (I didn't know then that it was hypnosis...) I just wanted to be like her, with her...may be I wasn't avle to see my inner beauty and only ws pointing my flaws...spiritual reading, spiritual gatherings, retreats...I felt as if life was given me a new oportunity. May be I wasn't as bd person as I was told by my parents, may be it was some hope for a re start. I hide. I hide everything in orther to be acepted. The doubts about the org, the strange behaviour of seniors, all the rules. I can see now I just wnna be loved and acepted. I was so young and innocent. Did not have the idea what psicopathy was as I was entering into the roots of an organization with a psicopathyc structure and members. A lamb between wolwes dressed on whites. That was me, all started 20 years ago.
 
I'm sorry you went through this, Maria. You are very strong to have made it out of the organization/cult. And you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are a good person, you are whole, and deserving.
 
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