I Hate Myself Today

[Chiqui]

Yes, you can let things be different, now. Powerful realization, even though it's hard to actu...

Muchas gracias, guapa. Es tarde y estoy cansada, but finding your reply has been like bathing on fresh water :hug:
(Its very hot here :cool:)

 

[Chiqui]

Hot again. I cried. Also my period...feeling a failure as a human being. No worthy of been alive.
From times to times, I have this thoughts. They came calmed, rooted and secure of themselves...as if quietly will be telling me the truth, without bitterness. Those times are more difficult to reply. They feel also calming. Listen, this is the reason why you are confused, lost, poor without any remedy...you were meant to be sucessful and look at you...
Sour and nasty words comes with softness and conforting tone.
Damm it!!!!!!

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Sorry @MariaY you're feeling like a failure. Okay to share more of what started you feeling not worthy to be alive please. Cruel and hurtful thoughts like these are from my past and I tell them to leave! Go away! and I only try to replace these negative feelings and thoughts with more positive good feelings and healthier good thoughts by (even when feeling yukky!) trying to be nicer to myself and try and treat myself with more love and support. I will make something yummy to eat, watch a more upbeat movie, or call a loving friend, etc. Snuggling up one of my stuffed animals helps and coming in here (forum) and sharing some more as you've done today - good for you!

You can talk more here 'bout this difficult day and it is safe to do so. You know that so - if helpful to you share more about how these nasty and sour thoughts and hurtful feelings are still affecting you today. I am listening and do care so much about you @MariaY. (((hugs))):hug:

 

[Chiqui]

@JadesJewel thank you very much for your words and support :hug: I am feeling better as the day goes on. Got some art supplies I need it, have a nice coffee in a fresh place and went to by some food, too. Also stayed in an street bench for a whule, writting the previous post.
What annoyes me the most is when this soft voice comes as a «friend» . I distrust very much people with soft and calmed voices/tones, lol.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Oh yes the leasing agent here where I live (who's got me looking at books on bullying) who oh so negatively last week labeled me has a disturbingly soft voice @MariaY. And she not only speaks softly but also rapidly when she is oh so futilely attempting to prevent me from taking up for myself (which if/when we're all capable - try to self-protect and self-advocate). She absolutely seems to become unhinged:wtf: and unglued at the seams (so to speak) through her verbal speak:hungover: whenever I stand up in my own voice now more calmly (trying):angelic: and when I am trying to speak up when I firmly disagree with her lies, rumors, and innuendo. I've never met a more masterful manipulator.:wacky::nailbiting::banghead:

So good to know you're feeling some better;) and having nice coffee and that you are trying to be kinder to your precious self. Going to buy some food yeah! I did this too today and just got back a bit ago from buying food stuffies to make some delicious foods for me. And being outside is such a good move on both our parts.:)

I'm also trying to be a more kinder and loving self to me as well @MariaY and it is different and it feels goooood! when I only try to be nicer to myself. Just tryin'.:headphone: (hugs):hug:

 

[Chiqui]

Okay to share more of what started you feeling not worthy to be alive please. Cruel and hurtful thoughts like these are from my past and I tell them to leave!

I have been thinking about this...thanks for asking @JadesJewel I guess it comes when I look into anothers'lives and look at mine. Around 50's, no job, no income, no a normal life. I should be happy knowing I did survive to a decade of mental control and did scaped from a nazi structured organization, a cult. In there, you deserved only to be alived if you were of some utility (versus if you were able to brought some wealth in) I was their slave. Unpaid work, 24/7 , I was «theirs» My mind, body, wealth, everything. I just earned my BA degree when I was sucked. Now, almost 10 years later, i should be happy for being alived, with mental medical care, a loving partner and a family again. But sometimes the cult pseudopersonality arises strong enough inside to hurt me again and again.
Thanks I have learned how evil works and I have ways to defeat it. But some others, I don't. And makes my life miserable. Yes, I think is this.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

It sounds like @MariaY you have been egregiously harmed the decade your body, mind, and soul were exposed to the cult organization. They were brutal in their treatment of you precious one. So sorry you had to endure these sick and depraved sociopathic animals! It is so very late for me and I must try to lie down and maybe sleep some. Please continue to share in here and yes you are so lucky to be alive and I feel the same way most days. So good that you've earned your B.A. degree and I do not see 50's as old - nope!

Yes I too have seen enough evil to last me many lifetimes @MariaY and very rarely as of late (post EMDR) does the past cause me to hurt and definitely not over and over like it used to and like you've been experiencing, again so sorry. DBT and EMDR Therapies have helped me tremendously and hope you are reaching out with a therapist and seeking the help to cope and to try and heal from all of the hell you've lived through. I also am starting D.B.T. on the 12th. Hugs if you will accept. (((hugs))). G-night.

 

[Chiqui]

It sounds like @MariaY you have been egregiously harmed the decade your body, min...

I am here. I don't know what to say, but I am here, reading and appreciating your care @JadesJewel . Hugs back :):hug:

 

[Changing4Best]

I can't and I shouldn't do meditation, because its a main trigger on my condition.

I could have said these exact words. I have only meditated a few times, but either I did something wrong and it didn't do a thing for me or I had something so weird happen that I cannot explain it or put it into words. I can do mindfulness, that is considered a type of meditation, but it is different than any other form I have tried. Other forms send me "out there" is all I can describe it as. UGH! Really scary.

 

[Changing4Best]

Because I don't trust on myself anymore, Lola. I dream many nights I am back into the cult and I am happ...

I have had similar dreams too, ones in which I seemed happy too. How awful, really.

 

[Chiqui]

but either I did something wrong and it didn't do a thing for me or I had something so weird happen that I cannot explain it or put it into words.

@SheilaKathy , I have researched a lot about the bad effects of meditation for my on cure and understanding. It is a selfhypnosis and a colective state of semi hypnosis. They called "trance stages" within the cult. For some people It is very dangerous, even if they do It a couple of times. I read how some suffered from even psicothic breakdowns. I know some of my mental problems come from meditation or whatever was that.
Also upsets me how fashionable meditation has became :cry:

 

[Changing4Best]

@SheilaKathy , I have researched a lot about the bad effects of meditation for my on...

I think that is why I like mindfulness, because unlike these other things they call meditation, it brings one into the present moment, makes one aware of what ones senses are experiencing. I want to be aware of my environment, not what is going on inside my mind. I think when we do anything with the mind, we need to have direction from a professional who is a therapist or trained in social work. Other than that, I would not trust my mind to anyone! Agreed. I was taught the mindfulness at my mental health clinic, by a social worker/ therapist. Even learning that was something I would not have trusted to just anyone.