I Hate Myself Today

Chiqui

MyPTSD Pro
Thanks @somerandomguy. It's a difficult sentiment for "normal people" to be understood.
I have done something very difficult to me. I said no way to a situation which It was weakening me and I thought I could manage. But I can't and it's OK. The deep reminder of "my life matters" has helped me to removed gracely, no argumenting or getting mad with myself. At the moment. I can feel the anger towards myself wants to explote but I know I have done the best for my mental and phisycal health. It doesn't make much sense, that anger, but it is what it is. But I am right, and I will win this.
 

Chiqui

MyPTSD Pro
Well, already exploit. Deep sadness for "being a failier, a fraud", breaking crying, un useless and, of course, the "the world is better without you", all at once.
The reason? I stopped on attending some classes because my brain could not process any more information.
Now, I am angry with myself. I should be doing better, having a good job and money. And I am nothing like it.
I know my worth it is not on this, but the feeling is stronger than reason today.
I feel brokenhearted 🙆‍♀️
 

Chiqui

MyPTSD Pro
I don't understand why I try to fit on society when I never have. The o ly time I remember I did was when I was in the cut And all was false, too..
 

Chiqui

MyPTSD Pro
@Survivor3, many thanks. I am feeling better. I just needed some venting, ask for care from my significant one, sun shine, a walk, nice music, a good free cry, respect my vulnerability and embrace it, and 3 ice creams 🌹I am watching Homeland on Netflix and it is being eye opening for me and wounds removing... Thanks again, I appreciate your post very much.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
@Survivor3, many thanks. I am feeling better. I just needed some venting, ask for care from my significant one, sun shine, a walk, nice music, a good free cry, respect my vulnerability and embrace it, and 3 ice creams 🌹I am watching Homeland on Netflix and it is being eye opening for me and wounds removing... Thanks again, I appreciate your post very much.
Ah... I enjoyed homeland aswell. So glad you are feeling better. 🙂
 

Chiqui

MyPTSD Pro
Today was my birthday. 50+. It was good because I didn't spent it alone. As many within the cult. I wish I could feel better with myself, this self dude planted...may be I can pull out the rotten roots... Somehow
 

bellbird

Sponsor
Best wishes for a fulfilling year ahead, @Chiqui 🤗🤗🤗

I'm so glad you're free of that cult and I really hope you can feel better within yourself soon. You deserve that, and so much more.
 

Friday

Moderator
🎶🎵🎼A very merry UN-Birthday, to you! To you!
...A very merry unbirthday, to you! To you! 🎶🎵🎼

May the best of your yesterdays... be the worst of your tomorrow’s.
 

Chiqui

MyPTSD Pro
I have a dream tonight. Sleept for 10 hours, non stop. I was back to the cult. I had friends, I was swimming on the sea side. I was look after them, feeling safe. Chatting, laughing, feeling alive and happy. The smells, the feelings, the people and the complicity were sooo vivid!!! I didn't want to awake. Just stay there, the sun, the friends and the fun.
During the 12 years that I was mind slaved, I felt those kind of moments very rarely, but my dream made a gorgeous reel of feelings and experiences.
That's why I wake up confused most of the days. Something inside is trying to pull me back to them. Confusing.
Well, Let's the coffee, meds and nicotine do it's job to bring me back to real life.
 
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