I Hate Myself Today

Chiqui

MyPTSD Pro
Uhmm....I forgot how useful is to keep my trauma diary..may I can use it to help me, and more now that my T apps ends at the end of this year.
Cognitive theraphy. I like it. It works for me. But so many distorted thinking that overwhell me and put my diary restoring work outside. Until I am not able to handle myself and life brings me back, in a painful way. Definitly, in laws are a pain in my ass. They bring back to present the trauma aspects, over and over. Triggers all the corners of self
In another hand, they try, but it is not enough. My partner need them on his life. I guess I am jelous of them.
 

Chiqui

MyPTSD Pro
Well...my very main wish it is to feel I am in charge of my life...but I am not. Memories are fragmented, if I think about the last 8 years I am receiving psicological treatment. All the years seem the same and I don't value them much. Plain and dull. What I know is that I use the filter of my poor brain whased A LOT, to value and see myself and others (all enemies who just wanna hurt me) No, I can't avoid it. No, I haven't built yet a consistent and strong new value system. Yes, it is taking lots of effort and time. No, I can't speed it up. No, I can't always recognize whats rational thinking.
 

Chiqui

MyPTSD Pro
Why do you feel you are not in charge of your life?
Because I don't trust on myself anymore, Lola. I dream many nights I am back into the cult and I am happy, they are happy. There were my family, my friends. My hopes were there. I was an spiritual warrior with a purpouse there All lies...but my mind and my heart was surrendered there. I felt needed and important. I was heavily mind controled, but it was meaninful for me.
 
Ah, I think I see. Can you find something else that is highly meaningful for you now? A sense of purpose? A sense of spirituality where in fact YOU are in control of your own life? Something beyond yourself, like helping others?
 

Chiqui

MyPTSD Pro
Ah, I think I see. Can you find something else that is highly meaningful for you now? A sense...
I can't, Lola. Thats the problem. Only my partner its meaninful to me now, but I miss something else. My own drive. I don't want to live my life through him, but that's what I am doing (except my painting)
Sorry, its confusing...thanks for give me a go :hug:
 
Maybe it's your art? That has meaning and purpose, and is very healing. There is a reason you are an artist. Also, you yourself are reason enough to live and persist. You are on a particular path of seeking. You are not merely existing or living through someone else. You are worthy, and you are enough. Con mucho amor, mí hermana
 

Chiqui

MyPTSD Pro
I am afraid of what can come next. She has been here for two days, and tonight I have taken an extra lexatin, cause anxiety is incresing. I can't sleep. I need to make it until tomorrow, midday. So I have decided to avoid them tomorrow morning. Mornings without enough sleep are bad. I can't take control of my words and I say what I think. It can be harsh and attack others, because I feel on danger. Whithib the cult, I had to be awake and full dressed by 4am for meditation. I felt dizzy and with nauseas most of the mornings. I had to be at the meditation room at 6am again, and we had «class»until 7:30, more meditation included. It was like living on constant trance. I don't like nights for sleeping. Always alert...past and present mixed. I worry more when there are «strangers» at home. They ask for explanations that I am not willing to give. They don't understand and it seems as I would be a lier.
What it ussually happens is that I will be cheking and thinking and rethinking about every single detail of my interaction with her.
Every bit of conversation and every sight, if she was dissappointed, angry with me, some dislike and criticising. At last I have.realized I mirrowed my mother on her...I want approval, complete acceptance and love, care and simpathy. Of course, i don't get it. But often behave as little child searching for care and approval. My mother would not give it to me, always suspicious for some bad behviour I could make....so my mother in law is doing the rol of my mother until I learn morw and better how I have to be and respond with my mother. At last this is what I want to think
 
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