I Have Started A Love Relationship

[ms spock]

I was feeling pretty overwhelmed this morning. B is being so attentive and asking me questions and being a good boyfriend. I told him some of the stuff I wanted and he has taken that on board. OMG! I have what I want and it is a little bit scary and overwhelming. Ah well I will get moving and walking and working on taking it in. And it is so great as well. It is nice to have a companion and feel like I belong in a relationship. I have to work on my own life and no one can fix me or make me well, but it is nice to have a relationship and have a bit of fun. We skyped a few times yesterday and had some good chats. It was nice. It was good. It was overwhelming.

 

[ms spock]

Being in a relationship is waking up the parts of me that misses my family or misses the idea of what I think family is like.

 

[ms spock]

Okay well being in a relationship is great. Having to continue to work on my self is challenging, good and sometimes feels a little unfair. But I continue on. No one can meet all my needs except my self and the people I allow in to my life, can sometimes, give a hand.

B is lucky to have a Dad he has so much respect for and loves so much.

He is amazing how he keeps looking after his Dad and listening to the dementia and a particular set of flying stories over New Guinea. I really feel for him. I can't rescue or save him either. He is really smart I am sure he will work it out for him self - being a carer and taking care of him self. It is just going to take some time.

 

[ms spock]

I went to see B for a weekend. It was good to be with him. I am overwhelmed by the intimacy that I so crave.

His Dad was in hospital, we got to visit him four times.I gave him a lot of emotional support about how he is a good carer but a tad exhausted and a little burnt out by looking after his father. He will be getting some respite care and some back up. An assessor woman came yesterday and he is going to get two hours a week respite care, an OT and an Incontinence therapist will be coming as well. We did lots of usual stuff - buying underwear and clothes for his Dad, visiting him in hospital and a also buying a present for his friend. B took me to the 40th Birthday of his friend.

I was overwhelmed by the intimacy. He is good at being close. For some one that yearns to be close to other people I have little capacity to do so in some ways.My family was a very lonely place and my idealisation of what I lost is not accurate. It was an awfully lonely family to be in along with all the other stuff. I was not taught out to be with other people, how to be a friend and how to be in a relationship. These are things that I have to learn for my self.

 

[mamachick]

So happy for you Ms Spock. It is wonderful to hear of your positive experience that you have been longing for. Keep enjoying.

 

[ms spock]

Thanks brat17 and gizmo.

It is so good, but it is so hard to find the parts of my self that are dead and frozen and unable to deal with out people.

I am really lucky to have B.

B is really lucky to have me.

It is a two way thing.

I have so much to deal with my own stuff. I am seeing more of my diassociation and lack of presence in life. No wonder I have had so many problems.

 

[ms spock]

B is a real sweetie.

It is hard having a long distance relationship but it is good. I have someone to chat with each day and he is an attentive boyfriend.

I have so much to learn and new parts of me to develop.

I guess each relationship is different you have to learn new ways of being and new ways of relating.

I am lucky and blessed to be in such a relationship.

B is very tired and weary from looking after his father. He is a good son. He needs to learn to look after himself, which is a skill I could do with improving as well.

 

[ms spock]

I am totally overwhelmed by the closeness, the love and care and the intimacy of my relationship with B. Yes I know I am so lucky to have this problem. But it feels overwhelming. I am going to learn how to be with people. I am going to learn to just be and not try so hard all the time.

 

[ms spock]

Well my relationship is going well.

I am not so overwhelmed by the closeness any more. I am quite enjoying B's company.

We live along way apart from each other but we Skype and catch up with each other's day.

I will see B this weekend which will be lovely.

He has been getting some respite care for his Dad, who has a bit of dementia and that is good. I can't rescue him, but I can support him to make choices that assist him and his Dad.

He has a great sense of humour and so do I so we can laugh and be a bit silly together.

Being in a relationship is quite a lot of work, but worthwhile, I do appreciate B, I think he appreciates me.

 

[ms spock]

I am going to learn how to be with people. I am going to learn to just be and not try so hard all the time. I am still working on this goal and I am making progress, though it feels so slow some days. I am focussing on being more grounded and present. Today I did quite well with this, though it does take a great deal of concentration and focus.

 

[ms spock]

So I spent the weekend with B and that was good. We were able to talk things through, have fun, be intimate, laugh and be present, as well as a spot of welding. That was a great weekend, though I must say I was tired when I got back. We really packed it in over the weekend. I didn't want to get up this morning!

 

[That Grrl]

I think it is good to talk these things through--the deciding what you can handle and what you can't, and telling him what you need even if those things seem a bit odd even to yourself. I am doing the same thing, and it is scary, to tell a man you really like that he just did something that freaks you out even though no normal person would mind it. It is VULNERABLE.

My most recent example was: we went out on a date. The restaurant had paper tablecloths, and I had pens in my purse, so we were doodling and passing notes to each other through dinner and it was all sweet and lovely. He drew a heart on the paper, with our names in it. Adorable, right? But he didn't use the nickname I use. He wrote my given name. The name that, whenever I hear it, it reminds me of my husband, who insisted I go by my given name and not the nickname I have loved since I was a child. Even though this wonderful and gentle and very loving man had drawn this adorable picture and basically put "love" on the table, I couldn't handle it because all I could see was my ex husband telling me I couldn't be me anymore--I had to be what he said. It took me all through dinner and halfway through a walk through town to tell this guy it was something that mattered to me, mainly because I felt like an ass for minding when really he was just being loving.

And since he is a wonderful person, he said, Oh, OK, I had no idea and I will never call you that again. Of course. Because he is NOT my ex husband. I am NOT in that relationship anymore. I am out. I am safe. Life is better.

But being that vulnerable with him, and realizing each time something comes up that he sees that vulnerability and respects it and cares for me is just amazing. Amazing and challenging and a huge relief.