I Have Started A Love Relationship

[ms spock]

I was talking more about taking responsibility for my stuff coming up Nicolette, not apologising for being a Birthday Orientated Person! :)

I didn't want to lack compassion or kindness for his forgetting and I didn't just want to over react. So I wanted to be reasonable and rational. I didn't want to punish him.

At the same time, it has hurt me quite a lot and I feel like I need space and time to get over it and move on. It was a big shock after I felt I had been so clear with him about what the whole Birthday thing meant to me.

I did negotiate with B over his Birthday and got him four books, a present with his permission. I got a card so his Dad and I could sign it. I told B that I gave that to his Father who gave it to B on his Birthday. He was chuffed that his Dad remembered his Birthday, which he hadn't for a few years. So I did celebrate his Birthday, in consultation with what was okay with him. I think it is important to respect each other's values.

I am not going to go up for a month to stay with B now, Nicolette, as that arrangement was made when his Father was going to go into respite care for two weeks of that time. I am not up for dealing with dementia, in close quarters, for that period of time. I know B won't be happy about that. But I don't feel up for that now. I have had a big year. I was really sick with a virus for some time and I have had a very full plate. I don't have the resources to be in a constantly stressful situation after what felt like to me as a big hit. Actually I wouldn't have been up for that even without that.

 

[Tanishq]

Hey Ms Spock glad to know you're doing well and it's very mature decision that you're making nice choices for yourself. Such as not dwelling on partner why he didn't wish me. Something very nice. :)

I think, it pressures you too much about his dad's dementia issue. too sentimental for you or reminds you of some incidents from your life? I hope your B doesn't get upset about this.

 

[Tessa]

Happy belated Birthday. I never forget my family however I was disappointed when my grown children did not make the effort.

It is wise not to take on the stress of dementia which can be very trying.Hope it all works out for you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Happy Belated Birthday to you. I am sad that you got hurt. I know it takes time to heal when you get hurt.Big hugs:hug:

 

[Shellbell]

I think that is appropriate and needed self care, and a wise decision not to take on dealing with someone with dementia.

Knowing our limits is important and having those boundaries as to what we can and can't take on is pro-active.

I'm sorry you got hurt too and I know when my Birthday was forgotten by my H, I was really upset as it reminded of my mother's and sister's complete lack of caring or effort about Birthdays. As Gizmo said, it takes time to get past these hurtful situations.

:hug:

 

[ms spock]

Thanks Tessa and Jaret,

Thanks for the Birthday Wishes Tessa.

The dementia is just upsetting Jaret.

I spoke to B and told him I would take time to recover and that I wouldn't be coming up for December. I talked to him about the stresses of his Dad's dementia (respectfully and tactfully I think) and suggested the need for respite care.

We sorted out quite abit of stuff, which was good. I can't give him the level of support I expected of myself to give to him about his Dad's dementia. It was a good discussion and we sorted things out and he has saved the conversation to email so he won't forget.

I had to be honest about my limitations. I was, as in a kind manner, as I could. So I do feel a lot better now about this. I wasn't sure how it would go but it went well.

Happy Belated Birthday to you.

Thanks for the Birthday Wishes gizmo!

 

[ms spock]

I think that is appropriate and needed self care, and a wise decision not to take on dealing with someone with dementia.

I can't do it. I really can't Shellbell. It is good self care to realise this and to stick by myself. No matter how much of a load B has, his father adds more. So helping him would only take on more and more of a load.

Knowing our limits is important and having those boundaries as to what we can and can't take on is pro-active.

I have been pro-active and let B know where I stand with things. I can't do or be more than I am. I have spent my whole life trying to be someone I am not, unsure of who I am. The PTSD thinking and hyperalert state I have been in, has not helped with this. Now I am moving past disassociation and so much avoidance I am dealing with the frozen parts of me and finding who it is that I am and what it is I can realistically deal with and do. So I can be real and honest. This is a good thing for me.

I'm sorry you got hurt too and I know when my Birthday was forgotten by my H, I was really upset as it reminded of my mother's and sister's complete lack of caring or effort about Birthdays. As Gizmo said, it takes time to get past these hurtful situations.
:hug:

It did hurt Shellbell. And it did bring up the lack of love and care surrounding me as a person and my birthday from my family.

Gizmo is right Shellbell, it will take time to get past it, but now I have released myself from my own unrealistic expectations and been honest about what it is I can do. (Not much really, but there it is.) I will move ahead with it now. I won't go up there in December and for Xmas and I won't have to deal with such a constant, highly stressful situation.

 

[Shellbell]

I don't think you should feel at all bad in any way for not being able to go there and deal with dementia. I couldn't deal with it and I think your decision is absolutely correct, warranted and appropriate.

We can only take on what we can handle, and recognising this is a very necessary part of this healing process.

I totally understand your hurt over your Birthday. In fact I told my husband earlier after reading your posts about this, how much he has hurt me over lack of effort for some things and that now I do understand this is triggering of my mothers abuse.

now I have released myself from my own unrealistic expectations and been honest about what it is I can do. I will move ahead with it now.

This is such a positive statement and choice to make. Being realistic is very, very necessary. You are very strong and wise to acknowledge and understand this.

:hug:

 

[Estacia]

Happy Birthday.

 

[amethist]

Sorry its a bit late, but Happy Belated Birthday Ms Spock.

 

[ms spock]

Thanks amethist for the Birthday Wishes!

 

[ms spock]

Well B is going well with his puppy. He and his Dad have gone to puppy pre-school tonight.

B and I have had some good chats. That has been good.