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Discussion in 'Avoidance' started by Zoogal, Feb 26, 2018.
Totally totally TOTALLY relate. I’m not avoiding anymore. I have decided I am absolutely not ready to deal. So I am not.
I have bigger fish to fry right now.
I was afraid for my bed for a while. I slept on the floor and craved a hammock or a sleeping bag in a tent. That worked for a while but I started getting made fun of, and later when I was hospitalized I was told (wrongly) that to be discharged I'd need to sleep in a bed.
I tried thinking of my bed in different ways, laying in it during safe, bright hours of the day. Reading books on it, listening to music to put me in the now. Don't get me wrong, I still crave camping and hammocks. But at least most of the time I've gotten to a point where I can have a bed.
I think having a dog staying in the bed helped. I'm obsessive about the bed now, but it's fine. I can keep it the perfect cleanliness and wear certain pajamas and whatever -- whatever works
I hope something there helps -- at least know it's not necessarily permanent. I get that.
I've been sleeping in the living room all this time ( I know I know)
My younger two kids grandbaby and future son in law may be moving back in so for now they can be my excuse.
By the way I'm not as old as I sound...I'm only 43 almost 44 my daughter had a baby at 17.
I actually remember the first time I couldn't sleep in a bed. It felt so ..... big ..... and like I couldn't escape from it if I was attacked. The only way I knew to keep myself safe was by being either
a) under the bed
b) in a corner (floor) away from the bed
c) sofa (I think it was the back rest on the sofa that gave me an illusion of security)
Mind you, I had some pretty seriously f*cked up things happen in the bed (non sexual) so it is understandable. I sleep in a bed now. That happened about 2 months ago. MMJ was a huge part of reframing that for me.
I never had an issue with the bed itself. But when I got in the first serious relationship after what happened to me, I was really touchy. For months I was turning, and moving, and mind you that with a guy that wanted to spoon. I would be in bed before him, fall asleep, and when he would join me I would flinch and awake for a moment. Then realize it was him and get back to sleep. Eventually it didn't feel right if I wasn't falling asleep with his arms around me. But I still did the flinching and awaking thing for like a year, as well as turning in my sleep and awaking from nightmares. Once I kicked him (at some very sensitive areas) while I was sleeping. He got really annoyed while it took me a while to grasp why he's mad in the middle of the night...thankfully eventually it all subsided. But it didn't before I was ready. Took a long time to feel 100% safe with him.
Now I'm single, and to be honest even letting someone in my apartment feels invasive(I mean a guy- a stranger). Even if I had a date/wanted to take it further still him coming to my place would feel invasive. Or me to his place-scary. I trusted one guy completely after what happened to me, and that tells me I can have healthy relationship...but somehow, it seems like with anyone new, it might be a process. It's your bed. It's your body. You can't speed through how you feel(as much as sometimes we wish to).
I couldn't sleep in bed for around 6 years but I could manage to sleep a bit better on the couch. Same thing, the back of the sofa felt like it had my back.
Also I could relax better because it wasn't a bed.
That's where I am for the most part. I have let hubby back in but he's not allowed under the same blanket yet. I'm still in the living room on a futon. One day maybe I'll be like normal people and have a bedroom