I Having Trouble With The Concept Of "human Love"

[Deleted member 28862]

It seems that every time I tried to get involved in conversations at work, I'm left being ridiculed for my opinions and feeling towards things, I think I'll return to the quiet girl that just grooms dogs and doesn't say much beside SIT! So buckle up this is gonna be a long one.

Yesterday the topic of love,kids,children etc etc came about, as I've never shown interest in anyone or interest in love for that matter .; at work, my coworkers ask "Hey, Esha do you have a boyfriend?" To which I just flatly replied "no" A series of shock gasps echoed, then a "why?" came behind, I stopped clearing out matt and looked over and just said "I don't want one..."

I don't think the part of me not wanting one made them curious, it was the fact that I never truly had one and have no interest in them. I know that they don't know about my trauma and the fact that I'm androphobic, but even so... it's a bit polite to you know...not dismiss someone's feelings about not wanting a boyfriend as me just being a prude. Most "relationships" I've had has been one sided from the male, apparently telling someone you're not interested is leading someone on... My cowoker actually thought I liked one of our clients but that always happens, people think that be being kind is me having a crush or flirting, that client bought me lunch and ask me out so when I was confused as to why it surprised everyone. I just flatly said "I'm sorry but, I don't have any romantic feelings for you" ... I think we all can understand how painful that situation for him and everyone else was but as for me I didn't feel anything. I told them how in the 10th grade this senior thought I liked him and just decided that we were "together" so when two months past and he got fed up of me being "distant" and tried to embarrass me in front of our mutual friends and tried to "break up with me" he got a huge surprise. He said "esha I can't do this anymore, you act like you don't care about us, it's been two months and it's like you don't even like me" So when I replied with " I don't...when did we start dating" ....it's kind of funny now that I think back.... I was and still am brutally blunt about my feelings. Long story short...he was teased straight up to graduation day and for me... no boy approached me anymore, I was just fine with that.

So onto more interrogation, why don't you want kids, omg you don't want to get married, but you're only saying that, when the right person comes along you'll change your mind, you're only 20 you're still young you have time to change, maybe you should just get a friend with benefits if you don't want the entire relationship.

*pukes*


I honestly think it has nothing to do with me just "changing my mind" I don't want to put anyone through being a supporter of a ptsd sufferer, because I've seen some things that other PTSD sufferer's do and I have come to notice I do the same thing. Men that just decide's they want to date me try to "get to know me better" ends up giving up because the things I do is confusing. I'd tell them from the very beginning that I'm not interested in dating, it's up to you if you want to be friends but know that I want nothing more.

Then comes the part about sex, no I don't want sex, no I don't need sex and yes I have much interest in sex as I have for why my brother is so into football, I just don't care for it. I know my reason's why so if I say so....as a human you should just respect that. But that's not the world we live in, they need validation and it has to be good for them to be like...oh okay I get it. That really sucks too.

But all in all, for the last month I have found myself actually wanting a boyfriend long before this discussion came around I don't know why, I can be happy on my own, I can financially support myself, no I don't get jealous if I see other couples, I get happy for them especially if I can SEE they're happy with each other. Then I think about having one and literally every bad scenario runs through my mind; of him not understanding me, not respecting my boundaries, not knowing when to stop or when I'm serious, him thinking I'm clingy or worst I'm too distant.

Then someone just flat out says -jeez esha I rather you be gay than to not ever want any type of love- In that moment, I picked up my supplies and the dog and move to the next station in the other room, needless to say no one talked to me for the rest of the day, and I was three happy for that. I'm not even gonna explain how furious that made me, maybe because I support gay,transgender,gender-fluid,bi etc etc he said that..what ever his reason is... I don't care for it, to just imply that I should choose to be gay...just...no.... no..

So why is it that I can understand the concept of loving ice cream, kiwi juice and animals but not the concept of loving another human the same way. I want a boyfriend but I don't know why, none of the reason people usually want one comes to mind. But when I actually think about being in a relationship, it turns me off.


Sorry for the long read T_T

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Hi Esha -

I can see myself a lot in what you said.

It is annoying to have to justify why you are not married or dont have kids or are not in a relationship.

I know for myself, I just don't have a really large libido. For me also it is hard to really feel safe enough emotionally with a partner. There is such a give and take with being with another person and that takes an incredible amount of focus and commitment to really be there for another person. For me, if I had a partner, I would want to be there for them 100 per cent and since I never felt I could do that emotionally, I did not feel comfortable taking on a relationship.

Thanks for sharing - Laurie

 

[Deleted member 28862]

@Laurie McLaughlin thanks for understanding, not only will I not be able to give back emotionally I won't be able to do it physically either, in the world we live in sex is literally apart of a relationship, the percentage of people that actually waits for marriage is so small is scary. I don't judge anyone that doesn't wait, its just when in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to wait what do you do, you don't want it and they do. It will only end and it will be a waste...so what would be the point.

 

[darrenS]

I would clearly state in a calm non plussed manner that i do not discuss my personal life and leave it at that, any response at all other than setting a boundary will elicit all manner of opinions and responses.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting a relationship and its not worth thinking about or wasting brain space because others see something wrong with it. Some of the most interesting people i have met have been single and very happy being so, they simply did not see a relationship as being viable to their lifestyle.

Only worry about what you think of you , not what others think, particularly work colleagues and associates, the more you leave a gap in your explanation, the more they will find - simply state your boundary, clear simple and calmly - when you explain something calmly and with no show of emotion , the less they will find - anything more and they will read it as defensiveness or something similar and the more they will keep searching

 

[darrenS]

BTW , there are people who have no interest in sex , its not abnormal - its referred to as being asexual - its only gaining attention for research now and falls under the banner of asexuality. There are 4 areas of sexuality, hetrosexual, homosexual, bisexual and asexual

 

[Deleted member 28862]

@darrenS thank's so much ^^ The best way I deal with them is to not talk to them...the hardest thing is, it's only 7 of us actually working in the grooming section, the other three are our boss' and a secretary so it's not a lot of us there. We have fun, it's only when we get into these conversations is when things get bad for me.

 

[darrenS]

The best way I deal with them is to not talk to them

I would suggest the opposite, find topics that all can contribute to and just make it clear personal issues / detail are off the table. Just tell them your a private person who doesn't like discussing your personal life, but your happy to add your view to any conversation that doesn't center around your
private life.

 

[Hope to Encourage]

Esha I totally understand. I'm 24 and people are always wanting to know why I'm not married, don't have a boyfriend or children. People can be so quick to judge or try to persuade us at times. If you would ever like to pm me you can. I hope you have a great day :)

 

[Deleted member 28862]

@darrenS the reason I said that is because I liked it way better when people didn't talk to me.

@brittney91 Hi, It's always a bit comforting to know that someone else is going through the same thing and that I'm not alone

 

[darrenS]

the reason I said that is because I liked it way better when people didn't talk to me.

Thats fine , if thats what work for you , then go for it - i was simply trying to cover all angles - i understand

 

[Deleted member 28862]

@darrenS thanks for the great advice though

 

[katz]

BTW , there are people who have no interest in sex , its not abnormal - its referred to as being asexual...

Darren--thank you so much for saying this. I have always believed myself to be wrong, or broken since I have no interest in sex. I love having a husband and someone to do things with, but I don't want sex. I read so many articles that you can't have a successful marriage with out sex. My husband has told me that I should never have gotten married if I didn't want it.
Can't I still want to be loved and have a husband who loves me for who I am--not what my "species" is able to do?

I don't know how to love a man. I can't trust them because all I know about them is what they want from a woman. All of the men that I have met--including family--are all interested in one thing.

When these men hurt me when I was a child--they destroyed my ability to love any man--or to believe that I could be loved.