I Just Found Out After 18 Years Of Marriage That My Wife Was Repeatedly Gang Raped.

[Forever Husband]

Ok. Here goes. I promised my wife I would keep her secret that she has been strong enough to keep over 20 years. This is anonymous so I hope it is a safe place to get advice. I met her when she was 21. We had instant chemistry and ended up in a hotel that same night. I knew she had dated an older man and that he was abusive. I knew that she had many partners and was quite promiscuous. I didn't care. She was young and beautiful and full of life. We fell in love and were married the following year. Right before the wedding I found out she screwed around with one of my friends. I was devastated. She had warned me not to let her do coke and we did anyway. That is when it happened. She never admitted to having sex but said it got close. We promised to never do it again and stayed together. I struggled with the betrayal and cheated too. It made me feel worse so it never happened again. We then opened a business and were very successful for eight years and she was amazing. Everyone adored her and we became national educators for a major company. She found out about my 8 year old affair from another one of my friends who had a crush on her. That is when things started to get bad. She said there was one way to fix our relationship (which I thought was great at the time) She wanted to sell the business to have children and go to school to become a nurse. We sold it, had two kids, and i started my own business. She has been trying to get an associates degree for eight years. She couldn't focus and would fail class after class. She even got kicked out of school. This was not like her. She wouldn't help out around the house and started reading romance novels. 3 to 4 a week and binge watching tv shows. Our sex life was down to 2-3 times a month. Then she suddenly became hyper sexual. Asking me to do things that she never used to be comfortable with. She also would swing to aggressive accusatory behavior when she wasn't all over me. I suspected she was cheating. I tracked her and hacked her phone and computer. I found enough to confront her along with a pregnancy test she was hiding in the closet. (I had a vasectomy seven years ago after our 2nd child). She denied it and became violent. She was hitting and kicking me. In the end I knew she would never admit it. I hoped her seeing that I cared would be enough to make her stop. I think she did, but she is an amazing liar and I'm a sucker for wanting to stay together. The fighting about her lack of effort to contribute and my suspicions brought out something in one of her typical rage moments. She said she had been gang raped. We have slowly been discussing her experiences and they were horrible. On her 14th birthday she was raped by several men in a bar, on the bar, in every hole at once. It happened again that summer by some of the same men on a back road. Five of them told her if she didn't do it they would tell her father and her boyfriend what she did at the bar. This became a regular thing. She said she acted like she was a slut because it was better than being a victim. She continued to be the entertainment for the local men until she met a man when she was almost 16. He was seventeen years older than her and they met during a gangbang and he then became her boyfriend. She moved in with him. He shared her with his friends but then she said he stopped when she was 18. Somewhere in all of this she was also raped by two men while visiting a friend in another city. Raped by her boss and his partner in a stock room at work. Raped by her sisters husband for three days while she was staying with her family. And raped by a man in Florida when she tried to run away. She had just left the older boyfriend months before we started dating. I just found all of this out and my head is spinning. I am acting like I can handle it, but I don't know anymore. We started counseling two months ago before she told me this. She hasn't told the counselor and I told her it is up to her since it is her secret. She said that the reason she finally told me is because I kept accusing her of cheating and that she is so damaged from all of this she couldn't do that. I really don't believe that she wasn't cheating. I do believe that she needs a lot of help. She covers it very well outside of our relationship. In public she is dynamic and friendly and kind. She is incredibly strong. Sometimes too strong. Any suggestions? Sorry so long!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I suggest that she see a trauma therapist so she can be diagnosed. She may have PTSD, she may not.

Healing is incredibly hard on your own. That is, in order to move forward, one pretty much needs outside professional help. If we could heal on our own, we would.

I hope you can persuade her to get that help. Its not right for her to use you as a therapist. I understand that she was just sharing, but at the same time.....Well, someone told me their trauma, and it still haunts me to this day, waaay more than my own trauma at this point. And I know I'm not alone in this. Others have posted about trying to be the listening ear but the visions of the trauma get into their heads and end up causing problems. Its best for her to find a professional who knows how to help her.

Yes, it takes strength to hold it all in, but it takes even more strength to heal. I hope she can find her voice. I hope she can move past the shame. She deserves to heal.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I never told my husband about the sexual abuse I endured from age 4-13. I intended to take it to my grave. I suffered from anxiety and paranoia and he used to complain that I always made everything a crisis. I also never told him as an adult I was drugged and kidnapped, but escaped before I was assaulted. I was also strangled and left for dead and then poisoned at work. I can put on such a normal front to the outside world . Hard working, intelligent, empathetic. And I cut to cope with the emotional pain I get after flashbacks or intrusive memories. We divorced after he started reading porn. It just was the last straw. It just is so perverse I couldn't trust him anymore.
I have a lot of compassion for you. Your wife has endured the worst shit possible. When we finally break our silence, it is usually followed by an emergency period that can last for years, as it did for me. You need to get educated about PTSD so you don't fall apart yourself. That's very important. It's a long row to hoe. It can't be unpacked in a few months. It's massive and when we finally collapse it is pure hell. I think it was wise of you to post here. You mustn't isolate or you'll just feel horrible. Your story is safe to tell here.

 

[Fadeaway]

I would get into therapy right away of you can. Both of you and separately. Telling a person you are involved with sexually is hard.You know that when you tell someone, they aren't going to look at you the same.

I told my first husband and I suffered greatly for it, big big big mistake. It was so hard to tell my current husband because I was so terrified of the way he would react, and that it would change how he saw me. I worried that he would lose interest in me or find me sexually repulsive. I think the only reason I told him initially was to push him away.

I am sure it has affected him far more than I am aware of, but he has never made a big deal about it which I am so thankful for. It has to be horrifyingly shocking for you, but I think you are doing a good thing by getting your feelings out here. Listen to her if she needs to talk about it, but please don't make her talk about it. That is truly the best gift my husband gave me was that he never asked for any more details than what I offered.

 

[ZebraWestie]

The memories of all the trauma you have both suffered may break you or make you stronger. The future is untold but seeking help for both of you, separately and together as a couple could really help. Research and work on these emotional problems but try not to become bogged down in it. I try to forgive and learn to let go (not easy but I found the results to be good for me) to learn to relax, take one
Day at a time and find things that make me feel peaceful or make me smile... A sense of humour can be a wonderful way to inject some laughter in life.
I wish you the best and hope you can find a way through this with minimal stress