I Just Need To Vent!!!

[momwithptsd]

Since this is a thread for venting, I didn't want to open another one, so I hope you don't mind me venting about my situation that is seriously making me feel like calling my mom out to everybody she knows, so they can have a sliver of an idea of what she did to me and my siblings and what we are dealing with now as adults and parents to our children in hopes to not pass down the abuse, and to confront everybody about my relationship with my boyfriend and how happy he makes me. I will try not to elaborate too much.

My mom was very verbally and emotionally abusive growing up and sometimes physically abusive (telling me she didn't want to be my mom anymore, leaving me on people's doorsteps for hours at a time until that person arrived home, having things thrown at me, blaming me for her broken ribs when it wasn't my fault at all, and a ton more), and was in severe denial of her own issues to deal with. She is still in denial though I've heard rumors that she is taking medication and seeing a T, however, she's still causing negative issues in my life. I'm seriously thinking about excluding her from my life all together and give up on any chance of a "close" relationship with her. I'm not happy with my dad for not being more aware of things and staying busy to not have to deal with things. He always defends her, and I can't stand that, I can't stand it so much it makes me sick to my stomach every time.

Because of the things she did to me, I put up with an abusive relationship with my narcassistic ex husband for 9 years. I was nieve (sp?) and thought it was a normal relationship, had no idea I was in an abusive relationship until it had become physically abusive. I had my son from that relationship. It wasn't until I left my ex and was struggling to stay focused at work and was having a lot of memory issues (2 1/2 years ago). So my dr sent me to a T and that's when I was diagnosed with PTSD, she said it's because what I experienced both in my childhood and in my relationship with my ex. I had never heard of it until then, and never truly understood it until just recently. I stopped seeing my T when I got laid off from my work due to downsizing and lost my health insurance. I'm having a lot of issues lately and turned to the internet for some help and found this site, which has been helping.

I've always longed for a close relationship with my mother, not sure why, but something I've always wanted more than anything. Everybody (family members and close family friends) all view her in this beautiful light and so warm and loving and wonderful. I see her in a negative light. I'm naturally more of an optimistic type of person, so you can imagine the impact of such a big negative thing I'm dragging around dealing with in very tiny doses. I had attempted suicide twice growing up (nothing recent), and still nobody thought I needed any help. I am in a very healthy and loving relationship with my new boyfriend (2 1/2 years now) and thought everybody in my family could see that and knew how happy I was in it. We have an 8 1/2 month old daughter and my son even calls him daddy (his bio dad isn't involved at all).

I just got back from spending 4 days with my parents and my younger sister with her two children (close ages to mine). We had a lot of fun, and even shared some good conversation with my mom and my dad. It wasn't until today when I went to lunch with my younger sister and her two kids (before they leave to go back home, out of state), and she asked me if I was okay in my relationship and if I needed a safe place to go the kids and I were always welcomed to move in with her family and she would help me. I was so taken back and told her no way, I'm so happy with my life with my lil' family, I wouldn't change a thing. She said that since we missed out on the valentine's dinner with the entire family that we were invited to (I completely forgot all about it and felt really bad about it), apparently everybody started chiming in on their opinions about my relationship with my boyfriend and said that he is no different from my ex. I asked her who is 'everybody', and she told me (half of them have always seemed supportive and happy for me and my boyfriend). I was so upset, I didn't know how to respond, so I flipped out. He is the complete opposite of my ex, he dotes on me and the kids, I get to stay home with them while he works his butt off to pay the bills, we hardly ever fight and when we do they are so mild compared to what I'm used to having with my ex. We never ask anybody for any help or hand outs, and we do lots of things with the kids (all of which my ex never would have done). I think he has only missed out on 3 family events (4 now with the missed valentine's dinner), but is very outgoing at family events. He missed one event because he got really upset about the loss of his mother (it was on Easter), so I told him to stay home to grieve in private instead of in front of everybody. Another time was because he had to work, and the third time was because the superbowl started late, he had to work the next day (he leaves for work at 5:30am) and we wanted to be able to put the kids to bed on time (I wasn't there for that one either).

We even just made some homemade chicken pot pies (one big pie per family) just as a thank you to them and to show them our appreciation to them for things they do for the kids. That was HIS idea, not mine (in an attempt to bring us closer with my family members)!!

I feel like confronting everybody in the family about this. I know my younger sister wouldn't have brought it to my attention if she didn't feel it was warranted enough. She also is a very low key type of person and so I don't feel like she exagerrated about anything. I just feel so hurt that that's how my family feels and nobody has said anything directly to me.

Within my conversation with my younger sister, a few things were brought up about our childhood, and I found out today that she is seeing a T also because of her experiences with my mother growing up. Here all this time I thought I took in all of the abuse so she didn't, and now I feel like I failed her. I never wanted her to feel the pain I did (and still do), and I can't believe it happened to her too. I only had known about two incedences when my sister was a teenager and I confronted my mom and threatened to call child services and she wouldn't ever have to worry about being a parent ever again (I wasn't living with them at the time and was just visiting).

My sister stopped talking to my parents for 2 years, I thought it was for another reason, didn't know it was because of her relationship with my mom and how she treated her as well. My heart broke into a million pieces today. I don't know what to do exactly (I have a few ideas running through my head). I've always been super protective over my younger sister, I even have several dreams about protecting her during bad weather (not sure why). I've always considered my relationship with my younger sister to be the closest out of my parents and my other siblings, and how did I not ever see the abuse she endured. I'm so devestated, I just started bawling right there on the spot today. I feel like such a failure and taking in so much abuse from my mom, and for what? It didn't protect her!!

I'm just so devestated about it all today!! I came home and was shaking and thankfully because my boyfriend is so WONDERFUL he took the kids and distracted them, and then came and sat with me to get me to calm down and talk about everything my sister told me (where our kids couldn't hear any of it). I'm so grateful for him, I truly am!!

I feel so lost, confused, and a BIG failure right now!!

 

[Heather]

Wow! mwp - sorry your mom is such a b*tch! She's about as bad as mine.

It never fails to amaze me that we're nicer to complete strangers but our so called "loved ones" get treated like pieces of sh*t.

 

[momwithptsd]

Yes exactly!! I talked to my older sister about everything this morning, she's my go to person about my mom, because she saw a lot of it (and old enough to understand it wasn't normal), she's 11 years older than I am and moved into our home with us when she was 16 years old. She thinks that when she moved in, it triggered something in my mom because she saw how close her and our dad were (he had her when he was in high school). She said that's when a lot of my mom's issues first arose and only got worse after she got married and moved out. My parents accused her husband of the same things they are saying of my boyfriend. She's been with her husband (which by the way is a very healthy relationship) for 15-17 years now. They stopped talking to my parents for 2 years and she said if she wasn't the one to step up and basically just look passed the problems, then they probably still wouldn't be talking to them. It made me feel better talking to her about it. She can usually calm me down and help me refocus on what's important (my lil' family).

Venting last night on here helped me to be able to calm down enough to go to sleep. This forum is such a HUGE help!!

 

[AmyO]

Reading this it just make me think of the saying "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Sounds like your mom is like that. I know how you feel when you think of the guilt of not being able to protect your sister, but the truth is...nothing you could have done would have. The abusers always find a way around you. If she is trying to throw nails in everyones relationships it doesn't sound to me like she wants none of you to be happy. And if she didn't start having issues until she wasn't the center of attention then at some point (just in my opinion) you have to cut your losses and let her decide if she wants to be a mom or the "Queen". Maybe if she doesn't get to see the family she created for a while she will have to look at herself. But maybe not. You have the opportunity to have the happiness that she didn't give you. And lord bless you for it. You deserve all the happiness you get.

 

[momwithptsd]

Thank you, your words are very helpful!! The last two weekends, I was supposed to meet up with my mom to "talk" with her and for her to give me some money she owed me, and yet, each weekend something comes up with her plans and we can't get together. It's so frustrating!! I do deserve happiness, and I know I have to let go of my family and move on. To think about it bothers me so much, however, I know it would relieve me from so much pain and so many issues. Why is this so difficult? Anybody else think about letting go of your family (any percentage), and find it hard (emotionally) in the beginning? What helped? Any advice is great. I don't know if I can cut them out completely and forever, but I could do so for a little while for sure.

 

[AmyO]

She knows you needed to talk to her for all this time and you were (unfortunately) put on the back burner. You are her daughter and (again, this is only my opinion) should always come first. I think it might be more difficult for you to separate from her because she was always in your life, albeit in an unhealthy capacity. We always feel at some point that it becomes up to us to care for our parents. And you shouldn't ever have to cut them out completely, just long enough for them to respect you and what you have gone through. I moved to Wisconsin from Oregon about 2 years ago to get out of my situation and left the biggest part of me behind. My older sis. I miss her so much that I still cry when I see new pictures of her on FB. The rest of my family is all on the west coast but my biggest factor for getting out was the three little blessings that I brought with me.

I have found that it is the hardest points in our lives that define who we are. Your strength surfaces when you least expect it. When she sees you standing for yourself, she will have to notice that you became a brave, strong, and confident woman despite her example of a diva who thinks she deserves respect just because she is there. As for the initial letting go...that is going to be the hardest part. It is never easy, especially when you feel like shrinking and saying 'yes ma'am'. But we can tell you all we can but in the end it is you standing in the line of fire. When you feel truly ready, you will feel that strength burst out of you like a volcano. Then it will be your mom who is begging for your time. And just to let you know, I respect the heck out of you for just being here.

 

[AmyO]

P.S. Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia helped the most. And I have the hips to prove it!!!

 

[momwithptsd]

Thank you AmyO!! I can understand about the ice cream (it's my favorite too)!!

I did talk to her a little bit on the phone, and of course she changed her tune, hadn't talked to her in over a week (even what my dad said was very similar to what my mom said, which took me by surprise, when I spoke to him seperately) about what had happened back on Valentine's day. Anyways, so we are supposed to see each other this Saturday, at my lil' cousin's birthday party, so we shall see what happens. She also informed me that they won't be coming to my daughter's first birthday party in late May, which I actually am happy about, because nobody will feel uncomfortable and it should go smoothly!! Apparently my parents are flying up north for another cousin's wedding which is a week after they fly out, why they decided to leave so early is beyond me, but I'm actually happy about it!!

 

[Philippa]

I don't know if this happened to anyone here, but one thing my father always liked to drive home to me, in a subtle way that didn't sound like he was really being a cruel wanker, was comparing me to other people he knows who I grew up with, mainly my brother and another man who is the son of close friends of his.

He actually went and told this man, who is a millionaire now from selling Amway since he was 16, what a f*ck up I am and that I was on the dole (when I was clinically depressed and in recovery from ptsd)m so that when we went out to dinner with him one time at one of his restaurants, he actually confronted me with things I said to him in the past, before I'd experienced trauma, when I was under the illusion that life was all flowers and cotton candy, about dole "bludgers"...knowing full well that I was on the dole at the time. Dad forgot to mention that I was recovering , probably because it went in one ear and out the other the day the psychiatrist actually informed him of her diagnosis.

He won't stop going on about this guy, and what a great son he is to pay for his parents to go overseas for a holiday, or how successful he is, and the underlying message is always the same..."Why can't you be like that". He does it with my brother as well. Never stops going on about him, how great he is. My brother adapted to become his mini-me (middle child) out of insecurities as a teenager, and now he literally is just like him, and they even work together for the same mortgage broking company.

He also has this weird obsession with trying to get me to like Bill Gates, for some unknown reason?? WTF? For years I would recieve newspaper clippings of how Bill Gates was donating to orphanages in India etc. He made it his mission to convert me into a Bill Gates fan, and he was relentless.

Does anyone else here experience the same thing with their narcisisstic parent?

 

[Heather]

Hi Phillipa -

I can relate. I found a letter that my mom had written to a friend of hers and she basiclly sh*tted all over me to her friend. Telling her what a "loser" I was. That I had wasted the last 2 years of my life etc. etc. and a bunch of other bullsh*t.

She's always doing stuff like that to me. She trashes me every chance she gets. I used to get so angry at her but now I don't even respond. She's such a mental defect.

It's taken almost 2 years of therapy with my therapist constantly drilling into my head about narcissistic mothers (blek). IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT. Cause they're clueless, brain damaged individuals. Not that I always remember this mind you, just read my post: why I'm angry at my therapist!.

Take care. Hugs. Heather

 

[Philippa]

Hi Phillipa -

I can relate. I found a letter that my mom had written to a friend of hers and she basiclly sh*tted all over me to her friend. Telling her what a "loser" I was. That I had wasted the last 2 years of my life etc. etc. and a bunch of other bullsh*t.

She's always doing stuff like that to me. She trashes me every chance she gets. I used to get so angry at her but now I don't even respond. She's such a mental defect.

It's taken almost 2 years of therapy with my therapist constantly drilling into my head about narcissistic mothers (blek). IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT. Cause they're clueless, brain damaged individuals. Not that I always remember this mind you, just read my post: why I'm angry at my therapist!.

Take care. Hugs. Heather

Thanks, that helped. I told my dad that not only was it whack of him to read my personal diary, but then to turn around and tell me that it was my fault for confronting him about it and "damaging the relationship" with my attempt at an open and honest communication with him...when he is the one damaging the relationship by violating my personal property and then lying about it and blaming me for it. He's a child in a big persons body who thinks he's an adult because he wears a suit. It's funny how the clueless ones will always laugh at you for being dumb or a fool, and don't even see how dumb they are.

What I can't work out it, if he thinks I'm such a loser, why does he make such an effort to want to spend time with me?? And what is even more hilarious is that while he is trying to hang out with me, I, the supposed loser, am trying to get away from him!

Since I told him off in my last e-mail (about 4 months ago) I haven't heard boo from him, and I changed my phone number and haven't told any of my family. They don't know where I am and the only contact they have is through my brothers facebook account, which no one has attempted to contact me...so, it's all very peaceful at the moment. Falling under the radar is really easy.

 

[Heather]

if he thinks I'm such a loser, why does he make such an effort to want to spend time with me?? And what is even more hilarious is that while he is trying to hang out with me, I, the supposed loser.

Absolutely Philippa! My mother called the other day and asked if I wanted to go somewhere with her and I told her NO.

It's JUST NOT WORTH IT ANYMORE. My therapist said last week that being around her just aggravates the ptsd and makes my symptoms worse and I think that has finally sunk into my head. I can no longer deal with her! It's just not worth it anymore. I am DONE.

hugs. Heather.