I 'kinda' Hate My Therapist 'some' - Seeking Advice - Long Post

[all_akimbo]

And by 'kinda' I mean 'probably' and by 'some' I mean 'lots'...

Or maybe I hate the way we communicate. I leave there so many times wondering what the f**k I went there for.

***Long Post Disclaimer - Sorry for the long post. I'll break it into chunks to help out.***

Question:

At what point is it worth it to fire your therapist and start over?

Background:

He made me fill out all these stupid ass standardized forms in May and asked me a zillion questions for two or three sessions and then finally he said that he thought I had C-PTSD. He immediately began pushing the medication on me and telling me to 'slow down' because I was reading anything and everything I could to help myself.

I didn't want to add more medication to my daily routine AT ALL. Some of you may have noticed that I am a tad on the scrappy side; I scrapped over the medication thing - HARD. But I was quite depressed and hoping that I would get hit by a bus or that I would just not wake up in the morning.

Anyway, he kept saying that I had to be "stable" before we could do any work on my trauma and that I needed to "slow down". I was so frustrated because I was so sick and obsessing over getting better. I would go into his office ready to roll up my sleeves and work; I'd leave disassociated because he kept telling me what NOT to do. Great! I know a list of 10 things NOT to do. WHAT DO I DO? How can I help myself? [this is the part where you notice that I am a 'woman of action'] :playful:

When my 'big trigger week' happened in September - I created a beautiful painting for my boyfriend, but fought with him everyday. It all culminated with a dangerous accident to which I was an innocent and physically unharmed bystander. The communication lines in my brain all lit up at once, alarms started going off at the slightest sound and I was walking around next to my body with blurred vision and almost no memory.

I gave in and started the medication (yes, it is a small dose, but I am a tiny woman - no bigger in height or weight than the average 12 year old girl - no, I am not kidding). So then fine. Start meds, small dose, sucked a$$. Still disassociated and highly triggered.

After searching and searching I finally found a retreat to try - went for a week of intensive therapy - came back a 'new women'. Stayed on the meds. Reduced meds - bad idea - got real triggery again and I am still recovering from that, err, ummm 'outage'.

Ok, now you're all mostly up-to-speed.

Today:

Had my first appointment in 3 weeks today. Went ready to roll up my sleeves and get to processing. Had a rough week last week and a crappy day. All I really wanted was to see progress in something I was trying to do. I wanted to work on a trauma. I didn't want to bullsh*t with him for 10 minutes. I didn't want to argue with him.

I am high functioning. I have a professional career. I get my job done. I am a single mother. I work hard and I don't rest much. This is "proof" that I am doing fine and do not need to "process" anything right now, despite the fact that I am crying my eyes out and saying I just want to sleep. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to leave the house - I have to fight myself to get in the car and go. Putting my coat on is a chore. The fact that I do it, despite the way I feel inside is a sure sign to him that I do not need to 'process' trauma 'right now'. Never mind that I had a massive panic attack last Thursday that prompted my Primary Care Doc to add yet another medication to my regiment - this time a Benzo - YEYYY.

I have blurred vision again - not from the new medication, because I don't take it. I haven't done anything tonight except sit in front of my computer trying to figure out how I am going to get this poison out of my brain. I PAY A GUY TO HELP ME DO THIS AND HE WILL NOT LET ME DO IT.

There's always some reason why we can't. If you read the 'background' you saw where he said I have to be "stable" first - today he said I am not as bad as I think I am. Good. I guess I am stable enough to start processing now then right? Still he says, "no".

What this feels like to me:

Is a pushy-pully game. I don't like it.

What happened last time I felt this way:

I left the office frustrated and ready to fire him. Got to my next appointment and he said the opposite of everything he had said the previous session. Validated my feelings, didn't get all lecture-y about how I should 'believe in myself' and all that garbage. I feel gross right now typing this, like I am being played with.

SOUND THE ALARMS!

What to do? What to do?

 

[safenow]

At what point is it worth it to fire your therapist and start over?

This is only my feelings, you can take it or leave it. I'd find another therapist, and here's why.

I have PTSD, Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) now known as Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), Depression and anxiety among other physical conditions. When I've worked with a therapist for a short period of time, and I leave the office in worse shape than when I went in every time, then I don't want them any more. They are not right for me.

My therapist must be able to ground me before I leave the office. They must be able to give me ways to cope before we work on anything. They must know and accept that I am a multi and be able to help all ages that live within me. That way, when a little pops up, they have a way to ground themselves as well as the old lady that needs to ground herself.

If I say I need to work on XYZ, they need to hear that and work on XYZ before anything else. If I go into the office and can't talk (usually one of my alters), they need to know ways to bring up subjects for us to discuss to help during the week coming.

It took me about 45 years to learn how to do that and get the kind of therapist who can do all I require.

Now, if I had your situation, and had to put up with that NO, and I'd done all he had ask of me, then I'd fire his butt and find someone who could help me get it together so we could work on harder stuff. He is the one who needs to get you stable enough, not the other way around. To my way of thinking, if you could get you stable enough to work on major stuff, you wouldn't have needed him in the first place.

But then, I have PTSD, so you might not want to do it my way. I've just had 67 years of life and of those, I've been in and out of therapy since I was about 6 or 7 years old. I've seen that for every 100 bad therapists, there are maybe 2 good ones. Not that they were deliberately bad, they just didn't work for me. Although some just have book learning not experience. I takes experience to work with people like me. Be glad you are not like me. :)

Now you've ask "What to do?" I'd suggest you talk to your therapist and ask them what they think is keeping you from being stable. If they can't answer that simple question, or they tell you it's up to you, then walk out the door and don't look back. But, if they give you an answer, then ask them what you can do about that (if you feel that answer is correct). Then, go do whatever they tell you to do. Prove them either right or wrong. If you prove them right, then you're in a better place than you are right now. If you prove them wrong, walk out the door and don't look back.

Therapy is hard work. It's not just sitting in a chair and watching other people work. It is down in the trenches dirty work. What gave you PTSD was not an easy thing, right? Well, neither is healing.

Good luck. Let us know how things turn out.

 

[BloomInWinter]

He made me fill out all these stupid ass standardized forms in May and asked me a zillion questions for two or three sessions and then finally he said that he thought I had C-PTSD. He immediately began pushing the medication on me and telling me to 'slow down' because I was reading anything and everything I could to help myself.

Wow, I sure can relate! I felt the same way about my therapist, and actually did fire him (twice) but I stuck with it. I am so proud of myself and happy I did, because almost three years later, I truly am a different person. The man who I thought didn't have a clue actually knew what he was doing, though I fought him for a long time.

Yes, the forms seemed stupid, but they were essential diagnostic tools so my therapist was just following procedure. His careful documentation provided the necessary information to avoid loading me up with misdiagnoses, and successfully navigated the red tape of my insurance so I could afford the help I needed.

I was gung-ho to chase down all the info, as if I could think my way into emotional health. Then I expected us to just push through the material as if speed was the answer.

He slowed down the process. He taught me that rushing anything in recovery just increased my resistance. That rushing kept my overall activation level up, and pushed my fight-or-flight buttons more.

I was sooooo angry, many times.

But I kept going back. As he was showing patience with me, I began to learn patience for myself.

I began to learn how to take life slower. I worked on changing the self-defeating "get 'er done" attitude. It was only more proof that I didn't realize I was self-harming through perfectionism. I had unrealistic expectations of the timeline of recovery, and a wonderful discovery happened. I began to see that many of the expectations I had for myself we harsh, punishing, and completely within my control to redefine.

He kept saying that I had to be "stable" before we could do any work on my trauma and that I needed to "slow down". I was so frustrated because I was so sick and obsessing over getting better. I would go into his office ready to roll up my sleeves and work; I'd leave disassociated because he kept telling me what NOT to do....WHAT DO I DO? How can I help myself? [this is the part where you notice that I am a 'woman of action']

I thought I was stable, and by my standards, I was. A good job, hubby, kids, active in far too many organizations. I was burning myself up. Literally using up my life in self-assigned purgatory of having to complete task after task - without ever feeling or savoring any accomplishment - before taking on yet another.

Just 'getting through' each day as it came, I had a bizarre belief that I would one day arrive and be able to suddenly enjoy life. But I learned that all I was doing was racking up a suffering journey of grey, joyless days.

I wasn't picking up any memories along the way. That was a real problem, because as it turns out, I really need good recent memories to be in my survival pack. I need them to stabilize me during trauma processing.

My definition of 'ready' was far from what a realistic definition of 'ready' was. Thank goodness my therapist didn't go by my definition.

Establishment of safety and stabilization is the first step. It cannot be rushed without the risk of grave deleterious re-traumatization. I couldn't see it when I was in it, but my therapists could (I had a trauma therapist added to my team.)

I'm glad I decided that since my way hadn't worked to fix me, I would allow their way a chance to see if it worked.

My best suggestion is to tell your therapist how you feel. Hating them, at least a little, is a common part of the healing process. There is profound inner strength realized when we stand up for ourselves to them.

You're entitled to your feelings and opinions. He's had other patients feel similarly.

But by what you're describing, he knows what he is doing and is doing it well. That of course doesn't mean you have to like it, nor that it doesn't suck. But this stage too shall pass, and you will learn how to value and care for yourself.

Please let us know how it goes, and hang in there.

 

[piratelady]

All_Akimbo, at the end of the day the therapist has to be the right fit for you. If you feel it is not working out, which is how it seems in your post, then by all means, interview another therapist.

It is true that if you dive into your trauma before you have the skills necessary to cope, it can open up a can of worms that is hard to clean up. The other side of the spectrum is you could be very ready to dive in and he is preventing you from taking the next step. Only you and he can discuss that and determine the root cause of the problem.

My opinion: Get a second opinion. There is no harm in it and you may very well find someone who is better able to work at the pace you want to go and can help you to make the progress you clearly want to make. I know from experience, once you find a therapist you can trust and connect with, healing can really get moving.

I wasted a year with a therapist that wouldn't push me and never seemed to really be ready to dive into the trauma. He also didn't help me learn to help myself. It was a waste of time and money. After a few more tries I found someone that works great for me. It has made a world of difference.

Good luck!! :)

 

[DharmaGirl]

Ditto everything Bloom said.

 

[Hashi]

You seem very frustrated not to be getting on with trauma work when you feel ready to, and I can definitely sympathise with that.

I have to be honest and say that some of the things you've said in your post makes it sound like doing trauma work might be destabilising for you at the moment. For example:

Reduced meds - bad idea - got real triggery again and I am still recovering from that, err, ummm 'outage'.

The communication lines in my brain all lit up at once, alarms started going off at the slightest sound and I was walking around next to my body with blurred vision and almost no memory.

I wasn't really clear when you said this:

I would go into his office ready to roll up my sleeves and work; I'd leave disassociated because he kept telling me what NOT to do. Great!

Maybe I'm not understanding correctly - please tell me if so - but I understood this as your therapist advising you to avoid certain behaviours? Or that he advised you against starting trauma work yet? If something like that is causing you to dissociate, then I would also be concerned about how stable you are to do trauma work.

I don't necessarily think he's the right therapist for you. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. I didn't like what you said about him pushing you to take meds, but then you did seem to be saying your depression was severe... maybe he felt you were suicidal? At one point, I was under a lot of pressure from a therapist to take medication for severe depression, and this was a very good therapist who I trusted and who helped me a lot. I think the only reason she stopped pushing was because I had strategies for when I was feeling suicidal, and she believed I would take care of myself. If your therapist was concerned and you couldn't reassure him, then maybe he was just being responsible.

I agree with what Bloom said about the risk of retraumatisation, and what safenow said about trauma work being "in the trenches". I have good coping skills and I rarely dissociate. Doing trauma work can still knock me sideways, or plunge me into a depression I think I'll never get out of. You really have to be stable to do it.

To be really honest, based on what you say in your post, I think your therapist would be irresponsible to do trauma work with you right now.

What I'm wondering is what he's doing instead. Are you working on coping? Or talking about immediate practical issues that need to be addressed?

I left the office frustrated and ready to fire him. Got to my next appointment and he said the opposite of everything he had said the previous session. Validated my feelings, didn't get all lecture-y about how I should 'believe in myself' and all that garbage. I feel gross right now typing this, like I am being played with.

I'm not really clear what was said originally and what was said the next time. If he had been saying to believe in yourself, then changed tack the next session, that might be only because he realised it didn't go down well with you. I don't know.

I think you need to be talking with your therapist about how the two of you can work together. It sounds like he's on one track and you want to be on another. You mentioned communication, and I think it might be communication (both ways) that's the issue more than whether he's the right person for you to see. At any rate, I think you need to work on that before you can judge whether he's the right therapist.

 

[calijean]

I too am ready to fire my therapist. She is a workman's comp doc and her main concern is to get me back to work which I am on a modified position. Almost every time I go which is generally weekly, I leave there with the same what the f***. I went in yesterday very upset had just got done hitting myself and crying and never once did she ground me. She only asked what's the positive in this negative situation. I cried almost the entire two hours I was there and sat in my truck for a good while crying.

She has done many weird things that get me more upset generally leaving in a disarray. The bad thing is the only other doctor I can go to is her colleague. Seems uncomfortable and adds stress. I've told her that we are hitting a brick wall.

I'm in dire need of help, but feel stuck.

 

[all_akimbo]

You seem very frustrated not to be getting on with trauma work when you feel ready to, and I can definitely sympathise with that.

I appreciate your understanding. Thank you.

Maybe I'm not understanding correctly - please tell me if so - but I understood this as your therapist advising you to avoid certain behaviours?

Not really. This is the confusing part. He says things like, "Don't focus on the symptoms." "Don't fight against the memories when they come up." "Slow down." "When you talked to your boyfriend about that incident you probably stirred everything up, you need to slow down."

Or that he advised you against starting trauma work yet?

Yes. He said I am not stable enough. I took in the directions for the diary from here a few months ago and asked him if he would be willing to help me try that therapy. He said that is what we would eventually do, but he would never let me get more distressed than a 4 or 5 and that I need to "let the dust settle."

I didn't like what you said about him pushing you to take meds, but then you did seem to be saying your depression was severe... maybe he felt you were suicidal?

I was (errr still kinda am) "passively suicidal" - I made one attempt to be done with this stupid place when I was 14 years old. I was (obviously) unsuccessful. It was such a terrible experience that now I prefer to think about ways I could just die on accident, from a quick silent illness, etc.

I agree with what Bloom said about the risk of retraumatisation, and what safenow said about trauma work being "in the trenches". I have good coping skills and I rarely dissociate. Doing trauma work can still knock me sideways, or plunge me into a depression I think I'll never get out of. You really have to be stable to do it.

I know, but I'm in the trenches now anyway. I don't know how to get through trenches without bulldozing through them. I run through walls, not around them - it is just how I am hardwired. I don't know what "slow down" means. I ask, but I don't get any good information to go from. I get "go to work" "try to relax" blah blah blah. If I COULD do those things I would not need therapy. All the tools I have to manage myself I learned at my retreat. I forgot to eat today. :(

To be really honest, based on what you say in your post, I think your therapist would be irresponsible to do trauma work with you right now.

I appreciate your honesty. It is what I was hoping people would do. I don't know what I am doing! I need help. Thank you.

What I'm wondering is what he's doing instead. Are you working on coping? Or talking about immediate practical issues that need to be addressed?

We basically just talk about whatever. I am frustrated at work, so we talk about that. I was asked to volunteer for some committee at the university I graduated from, so we talked about that - for an HOUR. I can't guide the conversation. I chit chat a tad when I walk in the room and sometimes he will engage in that and by the time we start talking about anything important we don't have time to get into it. This time I had to confess that I had been working at home because I don't want to go to the office (I don't like it there) so I got a lecture about how avoidance makes it worse when we have to deal with it. FINE! So tell me what I need to do to help me go in there every day! Ugh.

I'm not really clear what was said originally and what was said the next time. If he had been saying to believe in yourself, then changed tack the next session, that might be only because he realised it didn't go down well with you. I don't know.

In the beginning, I started listening to communication self-help MP3s and was running around applying what I was learning and it was HELPING me. The first session I went in and said so, he responded that I needed to slow down. I left confused, sad, deflated and disassociated. When I got back the next time he told me how wonderful it was that I was doing those things for myself and that it was such a good thing etc. It was very confusing.

I think you need to be talking with your therapist about how the two of you can work together. It sounds like he's on one track and you want to be on another. You mentioned communication, and I think it might be communication (both ways) that's the issue more than whether he's the right person for you to see. At any rate, I think you need to work on that before you can judge whether he's the right therapist.

I agree with you. I don't want to start over. I hate the forms, I hate all the background crap, I just can't get anything specific from him - what TO do. Why am I going backwards? This sucks. :(

 

[MissMacD]

Forms kill me! I spent months up to my eye balls in forms and papers and referrals.

From a perspective of someone who has been in trauma therapy for several months, there are a few things that I would have done differently if I could go back to a few months ago.

At first I was really impatient with my therapist because I felt like the sessions were too slow and too simple, when in fact she was preparing me mentally for the things we were going to deal with. I am dealing with some trauma right now but I have to take it slow. Trauma isn't something you can rip off fast like a band-aid and hope for the best, it is something that has to be removed carefully at your pace not the therapists.

If something works in therapy I tell my therapist, if something doesn't work in therapy I tell my therapist. The more honest you are with them the better the sessions will go. If you need to find a new therapist by all means, do it. The therapy is for your benefit not the therapists.

 

[all_akimbo]

I too am ready to fire my therapist. She is a workman's comp doc and her main concern is to get me back to work which I am on a modified position.

OH NO! I don't trust that crap. Those people never seem to be working in your best interest. It's hard enough to find a decent therapist adding the workman's comp dynamic into the mix and BLECK! That makes my stomach turn. I am so sorry.

She has done many weird things that get me more upset generally leaving in a disarray. The bad thing is the only other doctor I can go to is her colleague. Seems uncomfortable and adds stress. I've told her that we are hitting a brick wall.

EEEEEGAADSS. That sounds awkward. But, for the h*ll of it, because I am closely related to bulls that play around the dishes, I'll ask:

Have you tried the other doctor? What if the other one is better?

The complete wrecking ball that I am says, "who gives a sh*t if they are colleagues; this isn't about them, its about you."

But I totally get why that is such a craptastic situation and I am sorry you are going through that. :(

I made it through the day without quitting my job via email! Today that is an accomplishment.

 

[all_akimbo]

Forms kill me! I spent months up to my eye balls in forms and papers and referrals.

Can we all just agree that the form business is insanity? For real. I hate them. I hate paper completely. I have no use for it and it kills trees and it clutters my house and I could go on and on and on and on and on about how much I hate filling out forms and have stuff MAILED to me. Oh, I get angry just thinking about it. And I mean angry. The worse forms ever made are those stupid carbon copy ones where they then give the poor person who had to fill it out the "yellow copy" and you can't even read the damn thing. WORST THING TO DO WITH A TREE EVER INVENTED. Wow. I'm really annoyed by the whole form thing. I hope my annoyance makes you giggle a little, it's a tad 'out there.'

At first I was really impatient with my therapist because I felt like the sessions were too slow and too simple, when in fact she was preparing me mentally for the things we were going to deal with.

This is why I have hung on since May even though I haven't really felt like I was getting anything out of going.

Trauma isn't something you can rip off fast like a band-aid and hope for the best, it is something that has to be removed carefully at your pace not the therapists.

I have two speeds - "asleep" and "rip off fast like a band-aid" - I don't know how to slow down. I am so open to suggestion.

If something works in therapy I tell my therapist, if something doesn't work in therapy I tell my therapist. The more honest you are with them the better the sessions will go. If you need to find a new therapist by all means, do it. The therapy is for your benefit not the therapists.

How do you tell them? Can you give me an example of something you've said that didn't work? I don't know how. What if they justify or invalidate? I can deal with so many people who do that to me, but I get mixed up in therapy - its an authority problem for me I think. Yikes. Ok, Ok, I am a little freaked out right now. Just remembered something. F**k. This.

Thank you for replying. Sorry bad ending.

 

[Resilientbibliophile]

Greetings,

I have an ancient note to myself I've saved that reflects my early attempts to make sense of my own C-PTSD via study of this academic source and that. It seems a bit crude now, but one thing that nevertheless remains legible are words to the effect that one almighty explusionary effort to push out all the trauma at once, to ram out hurt and subsequently force in healing is a non-starter. In short and in sum - it doesn't work. I've desired such, hoping that my anger could be employed to force instant change, instant healing for the demonstration of raw grit, but such an approach renders the sufferer immobile and pushes away all but the most professional and seasoned help.

I more than appreciate how ghastly the 'in the moment' totality of C-PTSD is - for I've lived and live with it. I also know from many an ill-judged personal effort that opening every hidden closet door to invite all the various demons and hideous manifestations from my past out all at once does nothing more than destabilize me while alienating others. I literally seem possessed when such has been tried, my capacity to maintain personal boundaries collapses completely, and I give in to a tendency to approach anyone at all absent caution to 'tell them my story' for surely someone, somewhere can both frame and excise from my head, from my experience the misery I feel. It remains a wonder that I haven't been formally institutionalized, although I've clocked (if you will) two hospitalizations. The first was voluntary (hey - maybe the experience of the 'ultimate' in 'care' might lead somewhere?), the second, initially voluntary morphing into an involuntary admit that lasted an entire month.

One must pretend to be compliant, sane, etc. during many a time for the actual experience of much that was suffered (recurring too!) is for the larger world a clinical abstraction at best. Giving in to rage is no vouchsafed path towards enlightenment or some hidden resources of insight or care that might be brought to bear. The threat of violence, cursing, etc. and like temptations and efforts to 'exorcise the demons' feels so much like commitment to care that might be afforded - please know that I understand this implicitly. I envision holding a loved one's hand while an infected limb is amputated absent anesthesia from a delirious spouse or child - a circumstance where evident love isn't sufficient to task of allieviating awareness of the most severe pain. Please appreciate I understand the inadequacy of words to salve wild, emotion-tinged and involuntary recall of profound trauma. This felt inadequacy, widely shared, is why we each are here. Some are stumbling, others hope if you will to cement commitment to better means to adapt, contain and understand for giving something back; i.e. to personally heal for acting or masquerading (am I not now?) as healers in turn. We're all confused to some degree, whereas if we were so together - why would so many return to respond to this post and that?

In simpler times perhaps people quite naturally relied upon one friend to talk about relationship issues, while another friend might have been trusted to consult with regards to matters of personal finance or business. A trusted older friend might in turn be confided in with regards to relating to children who are imperfectly asserting their independence, whereas one's best friend might be leaned upon to discuss matters having to do with the maintenance of relations with one's spouse. For our horrible isolation mixed with the heady power of C-PTSD recall, much of this social infrastructure is either like-impacted by trauma, historically overwhelmed for the scale of our felt need, or has been spotty and ill-evolved at best. In sum, we might be tempted to demand too much - in fact, an impossible amount, from therapists not at all equipped to create wide-ranging and all-purpose social support in combination with the traumatic legacies we struggle to understand and often imperfectly contain.

Yes - many a therapist dynamic has left visitors to this website disenchanted and unenthralled - at best. At worst? - simply 'fill in the form' for the gallery of horror stories knows no limits here! Vetting a professional regarding their understanding of and dexterity in relation to C-PTSD is an art form; i.e. note the sophistication of the threads containing many valued insights directed to the matter. Pressing ahead, the beauty of seeing another therapist may be to sidestep recall of how badly we've behaved in other offices. No one likes to throw away prior investment, but in some instances such is merited. For seeking another professional, we afford ourselves another chance - and not in simply a metaphorical sense either! What is important is that we strive to bring something new to the 'new' dynamic lest we risk a repeat. Perhaps the effort will reveal sensitivity and intelligence on the part of a therapist or caregiver that hitherto was missing - maybe. Responsibility is split between us identifying the best fit between us and a likely therapist, while as painful as it is to arrive at, we must too prepare ourselves and scale our expectations to what may be legitimately afforded and at what pace. Only with these prerequisites met is there a chance that matters (i.e. aspects and facets of complex and interwoven trauma legacies of many a description) might be selectively and deliberately examined to effect gradual and imperfect healing - over time. Thanks and kind regards...

P.S. I'm not on any medications, hate them, rue the habitual understatement of the debilitating side effects of many tried. Still - if a brutal chemical 'beat down' of symptoms prior to the systematic examination of underlying elements behind one's specific manifestation of C-PTSD is needed - please appreciate that they might have surmised such and are not out to deliberately cheat you. I understand that it doesn't feel this way AT ALL, but please be open to the possibility of such (benign) motive. A hug from afar...


M.