I 'kinda' Hate My Therapist 'some' - Seeking Advice - Long Post

[BloomInWinter]

I just say "I don't want to discuss this. Can we please work on something else?"

Though they do usually follow up sometime to see if the issue is still a problem for me.

It is their job, after all, to identify those topics which we are reactive to, and help us face them so we can decrease the reactivity. Every thing I face in therapy, I conquer. Then when those issues are facing me out in the real world, with far less gentle and supportive people than my therapist, I'm able to build on that success and face it down as needed.

It's been a tremendous help in finally getting myself out of the 'perpetual doormat' status I was in.

 

[Hashi]

I have two speeds - "asleep" and "rip off fast like a band-aid" - I don't know how to slow down. I am so open to suggestion.

Would it help to think of it not so much as slowing down but more as breaking it down into steps that you need to do in order? Maybe that could also help with the feeling that you're being held back from getting the poison out of your brain. Getting stable is the first step in getting the poison out. If you're working on getting stable, then you've started trauma work. The processing stage is a later step, and you'll be working towards it.

Getting stable is an active step. There are things to do with stability that you have to look at and talk through in therapy, skills to learn and practise, milestones you need to achieve. For example, eating three meals every day. Learning grounding techniques and practising them. Doing a relaxation exercise every day. That's something you can put your energy into at this point, and it will also move your forward in the direction you want to go.

Processing trauma in therapy isn't just talking about it. Processing is talking about it and coping with what that brings up. If you talk about it and are dissociating, or you have a meltdown because you don't have the skills to manage the inevitable reactions, then you won't have processed it.

The fact that all sorts of things about trauma are coming into your head now means it's actually the best time to learn and practise things like grounding, containment, coping skills, distraction and relaxation - and actually not a good time to start processing. You need skills in managing the thoughts and memories so you don't get overwhelmed and don't keep dissociating so easily. Those skills can help you now, and they can help you when you're ready to start processing things. You need to use them all the time.

Maybe you and your therapist could identify what would be helpful for you, come up with a plan, set some goals and focus on that for the time being. I don't have the whole picture of course, but I imagine that he must have some intention for the chit chat about what's happening during the week, perhaps to keep you grounded by focussing on practical things. I would suggest you ask for a more directed approach to learning and practising things that will help you stabilise. If your therapist isn't willing or able to do this, then that would be the point where I'd be wondering if he was the right therapist for me.

There's a lot that you can put your energy into, in order to "slow down" on processing. You don't have to stop everything and wait for stability to descend on you. It won't anyway, you have to create it, so the sooner you can start working on that the better.

You sound frustrated you can't get to work at this point, but I think you can - you can work on getting stable.

 

[all_akimbo]

Hashi!!!! Thank you! I'll tell you why when I have more time to write. :)

 

[safenow]

I don't know what "slow down" means.

I had that problem for a long time. But I'll tell you right now, if you don't learn how on your own, you're going to get physically sick and have no choice in how you learn. I recommend you eat more protein and less sweet things. Not so much fruit or other sweet things. It is brain food, and vitamin B can also help you calm down. There are ways to learn how to pace yourself. Be sure to get fresh air every single day.

He said that is what we would eventually do, but he would never let me get more distressed than a 4 or 5 and that I need to "let the dust settle."

Listen to the numbers he gave you. a 4 or 5. That's a healthy level. The highest you want to get is a 5, ever. Working in trauma can bring up a 9 or 10 if you're not careful. I hope he explained to you what the numbers are and how to recognize them so you can do certain things to bring yourself back to ground quickly.

 

[safenow]

You don't have to stop everything and wait for stability to descend on you. It won't anyway, you have to create it, so the sooner you can start working on that the better.

I so agree with everything Hashi spoke of. You can work on those things right now and that is a good step in the right direction. Getting stable enough to do that hard work will help you heal a lot faster than fighting it.

 

[MomOfTwo]

Would it help to think of it not so much as slowing down but more as breaking it down into steps that you need to do in order? Maybe that could also help with the feeling that you're being held back from getting the poison out of your brain. Getting stable is the first step in getting the poison out. If you're working on getting stable, then you've started trauma work. The processing stage is a later step, and you'll be working towards it.


You sound frustrated you can't get to work at this point, but I think you can - you can work on getting stable.

Hashi- you sound like you could be a psychotherapist yourself. Your description and explanations were very helpful to me as well. Any therapist I have dealt with has not gone into explaining the 'process' like you did. :) Great job!

 

[all_akimbo]

Resilientbibliophile,

You are an incredible writer. Thank you. I have more to say, but for now I just would like you to know how much I appreciate you taking the time to write such a well thought out and lovely post.

-aa

 

[Hashi]

Hashi- you sound like you could be a psychotherapist yourself.

Heavens, no! I don't know how people can do that job, I really admire them for it but never could myself. I'm just a client with a LOT of experience, lol.

I'm glad if anything was helpful.

 

[all_akimbo]

Would it help to think of it not so much as slowing down but more as breaking it down into steps that you need to do in order? Maybe that could also help with the feeling that you're being held back from getting the poison out of your brain. Getting stable is the first step in getting the poison out. If you're working on getting stable, then you've started trauma work. The processing stage is a later step, and you'll be working towards it.

YES! It would help to think of it that way. It would have helped to have a therapist who took the time to do what you have done here in your post. I am so so so grateful to you. I'm crying right now, tears of compete relief. You have given me the piece of the puzzle I was missing. I could never ever thank you enough. Ever.

Getting stable is an active step. There are things to do with stability that you have to look at and talk through in therapy, skills to learn and practise, milestones you need to achieve. For example, eating three meals every day. Learning grounding techniques and practising them. Doing a relaxation exercise every day. That's something you can put your energy into at this point, and it will also move your forward in the direction you want to go.

Yeah, makes complete sense. I went to a retreat and learned how to do those things to keep myself in balance. I've regressed. My therapist isn't reminding me of these things and he never taught me any of it. That is why I am so frustrated with him.

Processing trauma in therapy isn't just talking about it. Processing is talking about it and coping with what that brings up. If you talk about it and are dissociating, or you have a meltdown because you don't have the skills to manage the inevitable reactions, then you won't have processed it.

I agree with this. I've only fully processed one piece of my trauma. It wasn't even a specific thing because I couldn't draw one thing out from that environment I was in all the time. It helped a lot. In the psychodrama, I saved myself. My group told me that I wasn't bad, they said I was scared. The therapist said that my behavior during that time saved my life. I felt better, less shame.

The fact that all sorts of things about trauma are coming into your head now means it's actually the best time to learn and practise things like grounding, containment, coping skills, distraction and relaxation - and actually not a good time to start processing. You need skills in managing the thoughts and memories so you don't get overwhelmed and don't keep dissociating so easily. Those skills can help you now, and they can help you when you're ready to start processing things. You need to use them all the time.

This makes so much sense. You are amazing to me.

Maybe you and your therapist could identify what would be helpful for you, come up with a plan, set some goals and focus on that for the time being. I don't have the whole picture of course, but I imagine that he must have some intention for the chit chat about what's happening during the week, perhaps to keep you grounded by focussing on practical things. I would suggest you ask for a more directed approach to learning and practising things that will help you stabilise. If your therapist isn't willing or able to do this, then that would be the point where I'd be wondering if he was the right therapist for me.

Would you mind if I took a few pieces from your post with me to my next session to use as a guide. I need him to help me set goals and milestones. I thought I would be dead by now. I never set goals because I didn't think I was going to live very long so why bother. I know better now and I've set some goals with my partner, but I had to rely on him heavily to do it. He's not a therapist so I need my therapist to help me set mental health goals so I have something to strive for. Again, you have no idea what you have given me.

There's a lot that you can put your energy into, in order to "slow down" on processing. You don't have to stop everything and wait for stability to descend on you. It won't anyway, you have to create it, so the sooner you can start working on that the better.

AMEN! Someone needs to hand you a microphone.

You sound frustrated you can't get to work at this point, but I think you can - you can work on getting stable.

Yeah, and because of you, now I know how. You have saved me from a very deep despair. I will think positive and happy thoughts for you everyday. I hope someday I say something that helps you half as much as you have helped me.

((((((Hashi))))))

 

[Abstract]

All Akimbo.
Sooo happy you found help here. :) And thank you for the thread as it has helped me enormously too!

 

[Hashi]

Would you mind if I took a few pieces from your post with me to my next session to use as a guide.

I don't mind at all.

I will think positive and happy thoughts for you everyday. I hope someday I say something that helps you half as much as you have helped me.

Actually, you've already helped me by saying that. I'm struggling with how I feel about myself right now (connected to what I'm working through in therapy, and hard work) and the thought of someone sending positive thoughts/energy my way is a big, big help to me. I'll let you off the "everyday", because I'm wishing you a long and happy life ;) , but if you could send a few positive thoughts my way I would really appreciate it!

I'm just glad it helped, and I hope your therapist can work well with you on this.

Sending good thoughts to you too.

 

[Tinyflame]

Great news aa, :) .

I really relate and agree with what Bloom said, and Hashi also. Boy, you are miles ahead of what I understand! :)