I love my therapist so much

[Rose White]

I just do.

I haven’t told her directly, only indirectly, but I plan to tell her, once I can prove to myself that my self care is at a sufficient level, meaning consistent, daily, and dependable.

Is it romantic, parental, platonic? I don’t know. All three? Something else? Mostly maternal, I think.

The love feels threatening, maybe even frightening, but I choose to lean into it.

It hurts. It hurts because it’s like a magnifying glass, that illuminates what’s missing in my life.

But I think what’s missing is self love and I suspect that loving my therapist is kind of like self love.

I want her.

Do I want me?

Sometimes.

It needs to be all of the time.

That is a goal.

For now, I am wandering through the Land of Longing.

*trudge, trudge. Sigh*.

I love you Searching4Self, even if you don’t feel it.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Me thinks it’s time for you to find a new therapist. IMO, it’s turned unhealthy and you need to move on.... you can’t possibly keep this on a professional basis and gain any insight on your healing if all you are doing is sitting there thinking about how much you “love” your therapist.

 

[Rose White]

Me thinks it’s time for you to find a new therapist. IMO, it’s turned unhealthy and you need to move on.... you can’t possibly keep this on a professional basis and gain any insight on your healing if all you are doing is sitting there thinking about how much you “love” your therapist.

. Wow. Jaw dropping. Not the response I expected at all!

I don’t expect her to love me back though! That’s the cliff I have to jump off. I need to face that in order to see that she will never fill that hole, that only I can fill it. This is the precipice that I am standing on.

I dont want to think my way out of it.

Your response almost drives an angry reaction out of me, I almost feel like I need to say, “That’s not what I mean! I’m not like that!”

But that scared, frightened part of me says, it’s okay to love her. You can call it attachment or transference, but the feeling feels like love, so I call it that.

And I do fight it. You are right that “if all I am doing is sitting there thinking how much I love her” that is unhealthy. But what if I was thinking about how much I love myself? Would that be unhealthy? Or how much I love my kids or my husband or my dog? Or that I love oatmeal or nature?

I feel a lot of conflicting feelings now. Like I can’t believe I made this post. Am I such a fool and I can’t even see it?

 

[Emotional girl]

. Wow. Jaw dropping. Not the response I expected at all!

I don’t expect her to love me back...

I do not think that you are a fool at all.I told my therapist that I had feelings for him and he told me that I am bound to get some kind of feelings which can be either positive or negative as we are working so closely togeather.
Transference can be so confusing at times and very intense,you are a human being who has obviously had some kind of trauma in your life and you can become attached to someone who is helping you. You are not alone in feeling this way and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself.
I think the best way to deal with these kind of feelings is by actually discussing them with your therapist and seeing what they say.I know it is awkward at first but when it comes down to it they are the one person who can really help in this situation.

 

[Rose White]

“They are the one person who can help in this situation”. I think by that you mean that talking about it with anyone but her, whether here or with a person in real life, is counterproductive? That there is only one person I should talk to about it and that by talking about it outside of therapy I might even be messing with the process?

 

[Emotional girl]

“They are the one person who can help in this situation”. I think by that you mean that talk...

It is perfectly fine for you talk about your feelings on here as that is what this forum is for after all. .However I do think that you need to talk to her and tell her the feelings you have for her as she is trained in dealing with these kind of situations and discuss why you feel the way you do.

 

[Rose White]

Well I said I plan to tell her. Putting it out there, on this forum, was kind of a way of making myself accountable. I should not be surprised if people tell me to tell her, that is what I would say to someone else too. I have told her that I have deep attachment, I have told her that I feel the transference, I have told her that I comfort myself when I miss her so much between sessions. But I have not said these words, I love you.

It will be like jumping off a cliff when I say them. I don’t know how long it will take for me to be able to say them. I will keep trying to muster the courage through self care and mindfulness. I do not expect anything in return from her and I expect my pain to go up for a while afterward, but it is like a firewalk, temporary.

My goal is not to motivate my therapist to demonstrate her love for me. My goal is to get *through* this feeling of love for her in order to give myself what I really need. Is the next step to tell her or to strengthen my self-care habits so that when I tell her I will be able to catch myself in the fall? I don’t know.

Am I over-analyzing? More than likely, as it is my tendency. I can feel the shame rising already. Now I see the mistake of posting this, because the shame has no where to go. If I saved this for in-session, let it build up, then the shame could be appropriately dealt with, but here with anonymous strangers, it just trickles out and is at the mercy of a kind word or my own shame-reducing abilities.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think you should tell your therapist so that you can work through transference issues with her.

 

[snowangel35]

I have similar feelings for my therapist. I was scared to tell him at first but I am glad I did. I have never said the words 'I love you' but have shared my longing and it has the intensity of like being in love with someone. I would also describe it as extremely painful at times...so so painful that it's almost indescribable and I'm not sure why. He responded really really well which has helped me immensely as it was and still is all very confusing. I still have the feelings as I haven't fully dealt with them in sessions but I trust him and know that I can explore what these feelings are about when the time is right as I know they are not all about him.

I don't believe that you have become 'too attached' or you need to find a new therapist as to me it's a sign of something. Moving therapist won't change that it will just leave unresolved pain and you are likely to experience it again with someone else anyway.

 

[Rose White]

I think you should tell your therapist so that you can work through transference issues with her.

. Yes, so do I.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I think you're very brave to share that here and to be so self-aware and see what you really need. Seriously I'm in awe of you. And you're so not alone so please, please don't let the shame overwhelm you. My therapist is leaving (quitting for awhile) and it's very hard on me. I have told her I miss her outside of session and she knows I'm attached. I have a dark sense of humor and I joke about building a cage for her in my basement lol!!! Thankfully she really knows my humor and laughs at it. But I have had a lot of thoughts, especially in the last 6 months or so, of being in love with her. Now I realize I'm NOT in love with her and that if she was completely herself I'd probably be annoyed cause I'd realize she isn't faultless but it's still a very persistent thought and a longing. I think you hit the nail on the head as far as it being something you (we) didn't get as a kid and you're so smart to realize YOU have to give yourself that kind of love. It's something I'm working at, too. I can tell you're very determined so I have no doubt you'll land on loving yourself fully. Stay the course! And hell, I don't think your relationship has reached an unhealthy level so I wouldn't go rushing off to someone new so you can hurt like hell to just go through it all over again. You're owning this and working on figuring it out and being open. You're doing the work. Now if you were buying her chocolate and feeding it to her and singing her songs under her window at night we'll then I'd say maybe you need some extra help lol. Proud of you.

 

[ladee]

I found you to be very clear and concise in what you were feeling, and what it meant to you, and how you are trying to apply that same kind of love to your self... you have amazing insight..... and I appreciate that you shared.... You may never have to say it.... it will be in how you let them teach you and what you learn... at least you have the trust to even think that, much less feel it and express it here... I never trusted myself enough to get that close to one of my T's... so, remember, we are on a mental health site... we all have days.... and you have followed your gut so far, and have a lot of insight and determination to succeed... so do what you need to do, to travel this journey.... I heard you.