Relationship I messed up…

[Butterflygrl]

I messed up big time. My fiancé suffers from PTSD and shut down on me. It was 8 of 10 days that he completely avoided me. No contact on those days. I started letting myself get in my head and gave him an ultimatum. BIG mistake. He said he doesn’t know if he can forgive me. Is there any coming back from this?

 

[Butterflygrl]

Can’t edit to add- This isn’t the first or second or third time he’s done this. I have honestly lost count. But it’s the longest duration. We’ve been together a year and a half. I started letting myself get in my head and gave him an ultimatum. Essentially I said if he can’t meet me to talk, then I know where his feelings lie. BIG mistake.

 

[Movingforward10]

How is that a big mistake?
You have needs. He has his. They are incompatible when he is in a PTSD isolation mode. That doesn't stop you needing things.

What has he got to forgive you for?
Sounds like you were struggling with him isolating. Has he said sorry for how his behaviour impacts you?

 

[parrotthepolly]

Has he said sorry for how his behaviour impacts you?

I don't think this needs to be done unless it goes both ways at least. It's clear that OP knows how it'll turn out with it happening multiple times.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Isolation is very common as you know @Butterflygrl so it's up to you to decide if you want to stay with him and can keep your cool.

Did you mean the isolation is 8 days out of 10? That's actually not that bad compared to some people. Sounds it's almost predictable or am I getting it wrong.

 

[Movingforward10]

I don't think this needs to be done unless it goes both ways at least. It's clear that OP knows how it'll turn out with it happening multiple times.

If I do something repeatedly that hurts my partner, I say sorry. And I try and learn to behave differently. It's hard if it's trauma related behaviour, and my intention won't be for my behaviour to cause hurt. But, it's not healthy to not say sorry when we know our behaviour hurts others.

 

[Butterflygrl]

It’s predictable but I never know when or what will trigger. Sometimes I get a sorry sometimes I get if it’s too much you can always leave if you can’t handle it…

 

[Movingforward10]

It’s predictable but I never know when or what will trigger. Sometimes I get a sorry sometimes I get if it’s too much you can always leave if you can’t handle it…

I'm aware you're posting on the supporters side, and there are lots of supporters here who find ways to manage this precise thing. I can't speak from that experience.

In my opinion, it's good he says sorry sometimes. And the "you can leave" comment sounds a defense to protect himself from more hurt. Have you been able to have frank conversations about how you can compromise in those moments? What communication can he do during isolation? Can you tolerate that or not?

 

[parrotthepolly]

sometimes I get if it’s too much you can always leave if you can’t handle it

Exactly my thoughts.

So up to you really?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Don’t beat yourself up for getting emotional. It happens sometimes. Isolation from a partner can be very stressful, especially if you are concerned for their safety. And yes, even if you’re used to isolation periods.

If his emotions are causing the isolation, then shouldn’t he have a little empathy if your emotions caused you to react by getting upset? That’s what chaps my ass in these situations.

 

[Friday]

Cha… any threat is stupid if you aren’t willing to go through with it.

The kinda-irony? If you’d followed through with your threat, you would be trustworthy, and he could believe in you, and fight for you. As you -apparently?- backed out, when you didn’t get what you wanted, you’re now… EXTREMELY untrustworthy.

This may just pan out to be the lesson that makes you a GREAT parent ((same rule applies: NEVER give choices that aren’t real choices / there’s only one “right” choice (I’m not asking, if I’m ordering), or make threats you don’t follow through on, etc.)) that you’ll thank every star for… later.

Or? You might get lucky (lucky??? Shrug. Depends on if this is the be all end all of relationships for YOU) and the relationship survives foundational betrayal. “I cannot believe what you say” is worse -for most people- than “I cannot believe what you will do”. When you make an ultimatum and reneg on it? Most children & PTSD peeps lose all faith/trust/belief in YOU. The same way most adults do when you f*ck around cheating on them, gamble the rent/mortgage/kids college funds (things you do).. or lie about the things you have done. Kids & people with PTSD tend to be more black and white about trust. So you lose their trust over what most adults think is… stupid/nonconsequential. Lying about something BIG, most adults get upset about. Lying about something small rocks most kids & ptsd peeps to the core. there ARE subgroups/minorities who appreciate well crafted lies. An ultimatum/threat you don’t follow through on? Doesn’t tick those boxes, either. If you threaten someone? BE PREPARED to do it. Full stop.

I’m sorry if this is a crucible-lesson-learned… unless you have an amaaaaaazing life, where you’re known to be true to your word, and utterly trustworthy… by everyone in your life. After this, because of this.

 

[LemoNadka]

I messed up big time. My fiancé suffers from PTSD and shut down on me. It was 8 of 10 days that he completely avoided me. No contact on those days. I started letting myself get in my head and gave him an ultimatum. BIG mistake. He said he doesn’t know if he can forgive me. Is there any coming back from this?

Hi there, it's really hard to say because we don't know him or yourself. Thing is everyone suffering is different and we don't all express it the same way. Also the difference between men's and womens always there no matter what. I will give you my exemple for waht I've read of your post, but this is really up to me, that doesn't mean your fiancé would have done the same ok. So, I'm a woman, but I also I'm suffering for years. And one thing is , I've got a big heart and huge patience, specially when I Care for someone. But as my kindness has been over the years took it for granted, now I dont give it easily either. And I also remember everything and it can go in my head for ever in circles. And I can have patience but if somehting really hurts me or got me into a unpleasant feeling, I would have react like your fiancé by avoiding the other or give an ultimatum because it would mean that I'm fed up and I've reach all limits of what I can take. So , what I would do in your situation ( that you've describe) even if it's hard, but do what he wished. If he needs space, give it to him. By doing the opposite you will make him close up completely and definitely leave you. It sounds extreme but sadly this is also how we can react. It's nobody's fault. Sometimes we've got to deal how we think it's the best and nobody can say if its right or not. This is why I'm not giving anything more as I don't know you guys. Depends of the Ultimatum he gave you, try to give what he asks. It doesn't mean it's over. Maybe there's still a tiny chance. So walk like on eggshells, and I hope you will sort it out fine and happy. And then when he will be open to discussion try to ask him in the future if he can openly tells you when he needs space or do his own things alone to avoid getting into this case anymore. We need this kind of things. This doesn't mean he doesn't care for you when doing so. It's actually going to get him to be more understood and feel free. This is only how I would react and also due to books I've read and keep reading that got me to know this. So I'm not taking any credits. I just hope I could had helped. Good luck