Relationship I Need Help Deciphering

[Miranda0305]

When I first started seeing my boyfriend, he came on strong. And by strong, I mean physically. We don't tell each other we love each other, though the aspect of caring about each other is there. He use to come over every day and talk for hours about personal things, as well as general conversation questions. I quickly became attached to him. He was semi-open about his PTSD (he admitted he was diagnosed, but didn't discuss the severity). About three weeks ago, he cut me off to any physical contact besides a hug. He won't kiss me anymore, hold my hand, or even sit with his arm around me anymore. Everytime he is around he's always tired and ends up playing on his phone, taking a short nap, and then leaving. I assumed it was me or something I had done, so tonight I asked him (after not hearing from him for 48 hours). He told me he has a hard time getting attached to people, even friends. That he wants to get close to others, but subconsciously he cannot. I know this has to do with his PTSD, but why didn't this bother him the first two months? But then he says he can't get comfortable around me. What the heck does that mean? Like be himself around me? I tried to ask him what that meant, but he blew me off. So instead, I told him I was here for him if he needed me. I don't know what else to say. He makes me feel so unwanted, even when he is around. I feel like a waste of time/ energy to him. What can I do?

 

[meg17]

When I first started seeing my boyfriend, he came on strong. And by strong, I mean physically. We d...

Hi Miranda, I'm going to be very straight forward with you. PTSD is extremely hard to live with. I finally had to leave my husband of 20 years because of the abuse and the ignoring. My child has to be in therapy because of the rejection from their father. I would like to say it gets better. When we love someone, as women, we justify their actions all the time. If he is just your boyfriend, as a mother, I'm telling you to walk away. You have none of the stresses that marriage and children bring and you still have a chance to find a healthy happy partner. You can not fix this problem. Only he can deal with it and it is not going away. I know this sounds harsh but living with a partner with ptsd is very very difficult.

 

[pixel]

Hi @Miranda0305 thanks for sharing your story with us.

It could just be him not wanting a committed relationship.
Please correct me if I'm wrong, you said it started off physical, very quickly, he would come to your house to chat, and you became attached to him. No mention of love.
He may have sensed your attachment deepening, freaked out coz he's not ready or wanting this, and he's emotionally heading for the hills.

He told you he has a hard time getting attached, but you're already attached. It's uneven.
Try attaching string to rope and then playing tug-o-war.

 

[feetfirst]

@Miranda0305 I know it's been a while since you posted, but I saw you didn't get much feedback. I actually just joined the site specifically to reply to your post.

Seven years ago, my guy and I tried for a year to make it work to no avail. In the beginning, we had a few sexual experiences (we didn't actually have sex), but with each one, he got more and more distant until soon our physical relationship was put on hold. Eventually he told me it was easier to be physical with someone with whom he didn't feel so emotionally intimate and vulnerable. For the next year, we had mostly an online relationship, where he feels more comfortable. We were extremely close and emotionally intimate. We did say, "I love you" often. Even though online was easier for him, he still took lots of alone time breaks. During the few months before he eventually left and didn't return (due to shame and embarrassment), we had begun spending about once a week together in person.

After a six year hiatus, about three months ago, we got back together. In reconnecting, what he said he wanted for us was exactly what I'd always wanted too...to explore what might be, including a physical relationship. Though neither of us planned it, we had sex the first day we reconnected in person (after chatting online for a couple of weeks). He called it "stupendously hot" and I wholeheartedly agree with that assessment. The time we'd spent talking online before seeing each other in person was also amazing. I could see how much work he'd done and how emotionally vulnerable and available he was to me now. After the second time we had sex, he became a little distant. By the end of our first week of reconnecting in person (I'd seen him four times), he told me being around me made him extremely uncomfortable, as he'd felt in 2009.

What's different this time is he's actively working on dealing with being uncomfortable. At this point, he's telling me it can take years for him to really feel comfortable with others (both romantic relationships and friendships). I really struggled with this until a couple of weeks ago when I found this site. Reading the supporter relationships section has made it so much easier to accept that it may indeed take years for us to have the relationship we want, but there's no destination or time table. I'm finally understanding where he's coming from and completely accepting the reality of the situation. Reading so many stories about others who have to deal with their partner taking time and struggling with feeling comfortable around them has helped me feel as though I'm not alone, and it's not my fault. I hope it's the same for you.