I Need Help. I Don't Want To Loose My Wife.

[Michael0311]

I met my wife upon returning from my second deployment to Iraq in 2008. I had just returned and she had just moved to North Carolina and she found me and messaged me on MySpace. Before we started talking I had a storm raging in my heart and was on the verge of suicide but just talking to her made storm subside.

One Sunday afternoon she messaged me and asked if I wanted to go on date. I had wanted to since the fist time she ever messages me but was to afraid to ask. So naturally I jumped at the opportunity to finally meet the lady who showed me, a complete stranger, so much love and understanding.

I drove for two hours to wake Forrest to pick her up and thanks her on a date. As soon I first laid eyes on her the storm in my heart died from a hurricane to a spring shower. She gave me something to live for again. About a month later we were married.

During this time I was in the process of be medically retired from the marine corps for PTSD and TBI. She stayed by side and supported me through the whole process. Part of my retirement was that I had to be reevaluated every year.

The first year I went to be reevaluated the psychiatrist talked with me alone for about an hour then my wife alone and then both of us together and concluded that I was indeed suffering from moderate to severe PTSD.

The second time I went after the government made all of the big defense spending cuts the psychiatrist spoke with me alone for about 10 minutes and concluded that I was perfectly fine and had made everything up. As a result I lost my retirement most importantly my health coverage at a time when my wife and I were expecting our first child.

Also as a result I lost my trust in not only mental health professionals but in all those around me at a time when I needed it most. I say this because during my deployments I was involved in incidents in which children had died. In one instance I held a two year old girl in my harms listening to her scream in agony while she bled to death in my arms and there nothing I could do.

I've always wanted children but as a result of those incidents I no longer felt like I deserved children. In 2010 my wife and I had two miscarriages and I was certain it was because I was being punished for the thing that I had done and had been apart of. eventually in 2012 we managed to get pregnant. I was so excited and at the same time terrified something horrible was going to happen again so I was afraid to get close to the baby even after he was born.

While all this was going on we were also in the process of moving and finding me a new job because I had lost the one had. Everything just kept piling up. And with my trust issues as a result of the aforementioned psychiatrist I felt like I had no one I could talk to. I never lost trust in my wife but was afraid to tell her about how I felt about the miscarriages and the baby because I would have to share with her my war and I didn't want her to have to feel that same pain that I felt.

I became emotionally distant as well as physically. I would find reasons to stay away from home because I was afraid to be around our son out of fear something was going to happen because of my pastand because I was afraid I didn't know how to be father.

As a result the intamacy in our marriage died. I thought it was because my wife now that she had the baby either didn't have the time for me or didn't want to make the time for me.

Looking back now I know that it was because I was to blinded by everything going on inside my head to notice the little things that she would do to try and keep the relationship alive. Like a fool I decided to to start college at this time thinking that it would give me some purpose in life, something to make my wife and son proud of me but all it really did was cause me more stress and to push them further away.

Eventually because I now felt like I couldn't trust my family and friends I started to talk to escorts. I turned to them because I didn't know them or care about what they thought of me so I would call them and tell them how I was feeling with everything that was going on in my life and in my head.

It didn't start sexual but after my wife and I hadn't been intimate for five months due to my blindness to the little things that she would do it eventually went further but no intercourse ever took place. My wife eventually found out and confronted me about it. I told her I was sorry and that it would never happen again. But it did. I still didn't feel like i could talk to anyone so after awhile I started to talking to escorts to get things off of my chest.

She found out again but still stayed with me. This went on for about two years before I decided to not talk to anyone at all and just keep everything bottled up inside.

During that period she would ask me to get help and go to counseling at the VA but I was afraid to. If I felt like I couldn't trust my family I surely didn't feel like I could trust another mental health professional.

So I just kept everything inside and that storm that my wife had quieted those years before began to brew again and eventually reached hurricane strength.

Now with everything going on working full time at night, going to school full time during the day, trying to be a father to two amazing boys, trying to be a husband it's hard enough. To add to it I look at what's going on in Iraq today and I feel like everything I sacrificed, my youth, my health, my sanity, my soul, all the people we killed and the friends we lost I feel like it was all for nothing and it has just added to the storm in my heart.

As a result I started to take my anger out on my wife and kids and pushed them away from me. 8 weeks ago my wife wife left me to back stay with her family in San Antonio. She says we need a separation to figure things out and decide what we really want.

It took her leaving for me to finally seek professional help. And I know what I want. I want to be the man she married the man who makes her smile, laugh, and feel loved again.

However she tells me that loves me only as the father of her children. She says she has to see changes before we can be together again if we can ever be together again.

To make matters worse every time I try to talk to her about us I only end up pushing her further away.

Somebody please help. I am afraid I'm going to loose my soul mate.

 

[Stickler]

I am glad you are getting professional help...and not from professional escorts. The pro escorts may not give the best counseling.
I suggest a PTSD specialist.
You may or may not want to use the VA.
I understand there may be portability for VA benefits?
If so, outside therapists/psychiatrists may be better.

I suggest you get a civilian psychiatrist's opinion regarding your PTSD and then go your congressperson's office, in person.
I would give them photocopies of the initial decision from the VA, the later denial of benefits from the VA, and the private psychiatrist's evaluation.
...Because all that is just really convenient. :mad:
...They owe you, and I don't like that they are weaseling out on that debt. ( GRR! Injustice!)

As regards deserving your own children?
Look. If you could have, you would have saved that little girl.
She bled out too fast.
As it was, you held her so that she didn't die alone...which would have been even more terrifying.
That was the very best you could do for her in that situation.
You have your kids now. Accept them. Love them.
***They deserve a dad.***

Since I was hurt a lot as a child...I'm terrified to get close to kids myself.
They are so fragile. Someone's going to come along and destroy them inside.
And that's not really that likely.
The level of abuse I underwent is pretty rare in the United States.
( Not as rare as I'd like,I know people who've had an even worse childhood...I don't win the traumalympics?)
There are no guarantees. People DO die. Life is random and unfair.
So you do your best to love people while you have them.

Do your best. Breathe. Step back.

As regards talking to her about the marriage? Work on YOU as per request.
My ex-fiancee would not get help for himself when his out of control mental issues got intolerable for me.
Note the ex is the ex! Don't do like him.

Just tell her you love her and miss her.
Support her.
When you talk to her?
Make it as much about her as possible.
Give. Don't take. Give. Give. Give.

Don't fix anything but YOU right now. Report what you are doing in that respect. Not just individual therapy, if there's vet's groups or PTSD support groups in your area, go by all means. Use online forums a lot...this one if you like it, though you may like a vet's only forum.

This workbook is very useful:

Dead Link Removed

 

[Michael0311]

Thank you for the help and advice. I've pretty much come to terms with the way I was handled by the military. Now I'm just trying to work through my trust issues resulting from it. For a long time I felt like I wasn't strong enough to work through them all while she was begging me to get get help. It took her leaving for me to realize that even if I didn't feel strong enough to do so I had to fight. I'm just afraid it's to late and that I have hurt her too much in the past. I love her with every fiber of my being. I always have and always will. It's just that now when I tell her I love her or that I miss her it just seems to push her further away from me. She said we both need space to figure things out and I know she's right. I have a lot work of me that I need to do and she needs a break to see if I'm still what she wants. I try not to but I keep trying to reach out to her because all of this scares me to death. I'm so afraid I'm going to loose her for ever. And by me trying to hold on by my finger tips I'm only pushing her further away.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

That's why so many ptsd people are single, or have very short relationships. She will have to learn to understand the disease if she is going to come to terms with it and accept it. Same for you. You cannot fight this particular illness. Your physical brain is permanently changed. You must learn to live alongside of it and cope day to day with it. I stopped fighting my affliction, just accepted that this is who I am, and things became a little more tolerable. As the ancient saying goes: "To defeat the beast, you must befriend it." Meaning, you must accept that your condition is life-long, understand it, and live day to day-side by side with it.

I have severe trust and abandonment issues. When and if someone says the are leaving, or simply does, out of the blue--I will grieve, naturally, but then say fine and throw the baby out with the bathwater. I have been the one myself to walk away from most of the relationships I have been in, after putting up with too much bs. And, if someone leaves me, I won't pursue them for long. I, personally, need someone who will fight for a relationship with me; not someone who is wishy-washy and folds like origami under the least little bit of pressure.

Really, the best way for you to patch things up with your partner is to have a completely open dialog, and to both seek relationship counseling together. DO NOT try to negotiate the relationship through email, texting, or in any other written form. ONLY face to face or over the telephone. Trust me...any other way does-not-work. Email, IM's, and texting are the worst inventions ever when it comes to playing the game of love. They can be used to communicate when first meeting someone, but when the relationship is actually underway..throw all of that typing back and forth bullsh*t out the window.

EMDR can also help. It helped me some when I had it, but I wasn't able to go back for "recharge sessions", so to speak. Part of my personal problem with EMDR was that several years of my life are blank--totally locked--and I cannot remember that certain time period in my life to process it. But, you may benefit from it.

I know it hurts when someone decides to leave. It hurts like hell. BUT..if they cannot accept you..all of you..they aren't worth having. In your case, and because it means so much to you, I hope it all works out. I wish you luck.