Sufferer I Need Help Please <3

[lala68]

I was sexually abused for about 5 years by my biological father. I was also neglected as I rarely has food and never balanced meals.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD, BPD, OCPD.

I'm really struggling with my step son who lives with us and has for he past 6 years, he is 19 now. About a year and a half ago he started sneaking up being me and just standing there until I startled then he would just walk away. I'd inquire what his motive was and with a crooked grin he'd smirk, give a grunt and walk away. This happened about 1 to 2 times a day and when no one was around. I eventually told my husband and he made excuses for him. When my step son was asked why he w was doing this he said he was simply waiting to get something out of a cabinet. I don't get why he would stand 2 feet behind me. At any rate it has caused me great distress and triggered me. I am again suffering from short term memory, shaking and on high alert. I had to define myself to my husband which makes me feel as if I had done something wrong. As a child I never told anyone because I thought they wouldn't believe me and as an adult I told someone and they didn't believe me. I'm so hurt and scared. My husband started having him wear slippers in the house so I could hear him coming but the complete stranger thing about this is I am ALWAYS on high alert and no one, until now, has been able to sneak up on me. In my mind I feel he was doing it purposefully but my husband disagrees. I am on constant egg shells and don't know what to do. He has stopped but I'm afraid it's going to start again and because I said something it may get worse. He has a mom and he could go back to live with her, I don't understand why my husband would allow this and claim to protect me and love me.

What should I do?

 

[Changing4Best]

This is a tough one, and I may be wrong, but if he comes up behind you again like that and you don't hear him or he has stopped wearing the slippers and does it, you should simply say to him (and look him in the eye as you do so) "Stop it!".

There are other things that may help you in this too. Do you know any grounding techniques? Google this if you don't.

Are you in therapy? That can help too. Or medicines can help you also.

And by the way, Welcome to the Forum here!

 

[Glenn R.]

lala68 - Your fears seem completely legitimate and justified to me. Your husband sounds like a codependent person in deep denial, one who would enable his son even if the kid committed a crime.

I feel for you. It seems you are in a very difficult position. I don't know what your family's finances look like, but if you can afford it (most insurances will pay a decent share), family counselling might be a real good idea. In a therapist's office, everything will be exposed and you will have support.

 

[Chava]

Sorry you're going through this and nobody right there quite seems to understand. Do you get the sense he's just trying to get a reaction out of you? 19-year-olds don't have fully developed frontal lobes. They can be jack-asses without really meaning to hurt anyone. I've also seen younger guys "pick on" each other as a way of trying to "bond" or get close. I don't handle feeling picked on or teased, even if it's meant if fun or even weird love, so I had to draw the line when a guy friend was doing this years ago.

Anyway, is it at all possible to ask him to use some kind of phrase when he's in the area so you don't startle? Like, "hey..." I tend to walk quietly and I don't like feeling like people sneak up on me, so I avoid inadvertently doing it with my quiet steps by saying something like, "good morning" when I'm still many steps away. It's just a habit.

Also, this is really none of my business, but at 19 he does not really have to live with either of his parents...I understand that's what works in today's world. But he will leave the nest at some point. Just don't let your fear of him leaving prevent you from finding a way to have your own boundaries.

 

[intothelight]

@lala68 Welcome to the forum.

Startling someone isn't nice, but sometimes people do it because they find the reaction funny. My own children did it a few times and then they learned it just wasn't acceptable behavior. He is old enough to hear and understand that it is unacceptable to you. If it hasn't been done already, something you and your husband address together. Slippers or not, he just needs to knock it off at it makes you uncomfortable.

 

[Friday]

Does he know why? Not necessarily all the details, but enough so that he knows it's not a way to say "Thinking of you :D :) :inlove::woot:" in guy-speak

My brother is a hockey goalie. Which means that anything comes flying at him? Especially fast, hard, and barely seen? He freezes. Not scared-freeze, but "block the puck" freeze. Hehehehe... I throw things at him all the time. Dinner rolls, balls, corn on the cob.

Same way I regularly punch some friends on the shoulder, sweep other friends (walk up next to them & kick their feet out from under them), or sneak up behind and scare the ever-loving snot out of others (the horror-movie crowd are the ones who tend to enjoy the hell out of a fright).

It's harder for me to communicate to/with women... Because there's so much less physicality involved. Older men have usually learned reserve (but it's still fun to bring out their boyish side)... But 15-25yo guys? Are generally like giant puppies just wanting to play.

They also often have the attention span of gnats. Or toddlers (so one has to repeat themselves. A lot. Because they forget). But these physical bumps, punches, scares, etc.? Are the girl-speak equivalent to the locked eyes and serious voice telling you how utterly amazing you are, and how valuable they find you (in the middle of the day) or the hug/kiss hello & goodbye.

Granted, he could also just be a jerk. Or moving really quietly lost in his own world. But it sounds like guy-speak for a sober "I love you, man."

 

[Powder]

Teenagers tend to do that when they want attention, like a dog, just trying to get into your space and hope for some positive, unconditional love. But they also do it to be annoying and also get attention.

Could be that you should take some time to spend one on one with him, get him to feel safe and listened to so that he can open up. Maybe there is stuff he needs/wants to talk about, like FridayJones said above, and doesn't have the words. Sometimes, just turning and giving them a bear hug will make my fear go away and let them know that they are loved.

I hug my dog, my kids, and my husband when I'm triggered, and it can push me out of feeling like a frozen victim.

 

[lala68]

Sadly it wasn't until about 3 months after I told the children what had happened to me as a child that he started doing it. I'm so scared. It has been about 6 months since he's done it.

I feel like a terrible person for wanting him to move back to his mom's but I don't think I can manage if it starts up again.

He is 19, has graduated high school, is doing an apprenticeship to become an electrician; he grosses almost 2k a month. I got he moves soon. I wasn't a relationship with him for my husbands sake but if he was terrorizing me on purpose I don't know how I'll manage. I've been in hospital 4 times+ 2 long term stays at a facility since he moved with us.

At a loss, scared, shameful, and feeling rather worthless.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Its unacceptable behavior, period. I don't care if 99.9% of the rest of the population wouldn't be bothered by this. The fact is that YOU are bothered by this, and that's what matters.

Those startles can be pure HELL. People don't understand what its like. Heck, how much of the population LOVES to be scared? Yeah, a huge percentage....that's why they make so many horror movies and why Halloween is such a big holiday. But for us, being scared isn't fun. I think that many people are just plain stupid in that they cannot fathom the fact that not only is being scared NOT fun, but we don't let those "scared" feelings go in a matter of seconds like a normal person. A bad startle can upset me for the rest of the day, as in do not pass go, do not collect $200, and if you had any big plans for the rest of the day, its a good idea to cancel or postpone them because chances are it won't go as planned.

Why does he need to move back to his mom's? He makes $2k a month! That is WAAY more than needed to find his own place! Your the adult, and it is your house, not his. He is now an adult, so he is living there as a courtesy. Yes, I understand this may cause waves with your husband as he likely doesn't understand the severity of this symptom, but at the end of the day your health is more important.

I totally get what you're saying. Half the time when I get startled its not because of a sound. Its because someone is there and I thought I was alone. Everyone does it, its natural (to an extent), but they know it bothers me so they try not to do it. My family isn't malicious at all in this, so its something I am working through. However, in your case, standing 2 feet from someone isn't acceptable....nobody ever stands this close to me as its usually a matter of not knowing someone was in the room (ie a minimum of 5 feet away, most of the time a bit more than that).

 

[darrenS]

Granted, he could also just be a jerk. Or moving really quietly lost in his own world. But it sounds like guy-speak for a sober "I love you, man."

i dont assume to know the reasons for his actions , but step parenting is hard at any time and at 19 ....oh boy - he is old enough to be spoken to as an adult - talk directly to him in a adult to adult manner and let him know you dont like people behind you (i dont like people behind me and always move sideways so i can get a good view of what they're up to)

 

[Powder]

Sounds like your gut and/or PTSD is telling you he's being or is a creep. Trust your gut. If you think it was on purpose, then it probably was, on some level.

I'm not a step-mom, but I hear it is very hard, and that often one child tries to terrorize you out of their lives. This could be that.

You should find a way for his father to decide it's time for him to move elsewhere. Is he in technical college? Sometimes the local community college has a dorm that also offers the same low rate to students of nearby tech schools. Perhaps the father wants his boy to have a taste of the "college experience" and to "learn social skills" or whatever; probably, the son needs it.

If he has a friend who also wants to move out, perhaps talking to that boy's mom and seeing if there is interest would be harmless. Your husband and the son's mother might offer to pitch in a small monthly assistance toward rent for the first year. Might actually save you money on health care!