I Need Help With This Girl!

[ironbird]

It has been over two weeks since I have seen/spoken to her. Its driving me crazy. I haven't made a single attempt to call her after she was rude to me a few weekends back. It hurts so much when I' am on facebook and she pops up online around 5-6pm when she normally finishes workyet makes no attempt to contact me. Even on the weekend when I got home at 3am she was online which generally means she checked her phone and was out drinking. Its like shes trying to push me away so badly yet doesn't want me to leave.

I have been reading about Alexithymia and that makes me feel a bit better knowing about that. Also about dismissive - avoidant attachment styles: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults She obviously falls into that catagory.

A few weeks ago she was over on a wednesday night, she slept together and mentioned about catching up on the weekend. She left that night and agreed to let me on Saturday if she would come over that night. This text convo was initiated by me at 8pm on Saturday night because she still hadn't gotten back to me:

me-"hey I thought we could cook together tonight, maybe get some red wine too?"

her- "hey, did we have plans for tonight?"

me- "i though you were going to message me and let me know what time you had to leave tomorrow?"

her- "well i though i was going to let you know if i could stay or not, i was just about to text you to let you know i have to goto the markets at 7 tomorrow with my mum."

me- "so you'd rather go shopping than spend the night with me?"

her- "yep."

me- "umm, what sort of thing is that to say? and did it take a whole day to let me know that? do you think this is an acceptable way to treat someone whilst in a relationship?"

her- "anything i say you will pick at because i'm not coming over so it was the shortest answer to your black/white question."

I didn't reply to that last message of hers and was so f*cking angry. In two weeks she hasn't tried to call me since this. I know her, she would at least let me know if she didn't want to continue with seeing me and she hasn't sent me anything.. She must be super stressed out because shes going to a music festival next weekend then a day later going on a holiday to Ecuador for two weeks... what should I do?

 

[Mandy Tjarks]

I understand you frustration being with someone who says they want to be with you and see you but there is always something else going on. Its hard not to be #1 after you have been for any period of time. In my head I know it isn't personal and is just him trying to do what he thinks he needs to. But that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I am in no position to give out advice but just wanted you to know I feel your pain.

It sounds like she is in denial that she has a problem right now. My bf knows he has a problem and I know he wants to be better and has taken steps towards that but it isn't going to be a quick change. He still needs to get into VA therapy.

Maybe she is just saying in her own way that she needs some space right now. Does that make sense?

 

[sea]

me- "so you'd rather go shopping than spend the night with me?"

her- "yep."

me- "umm, what sort of thing is that to say? and did it take a whole day to let me know that? do you think this is an acceptable way to treat someone whilst in a relationship?"

Guilt-tripping isn't particularly classy, either.

what should I do?

BREAK UP WITH HER. SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU.

 

[Mandy Tjarks]

Wow Sea that was really harsh.

 

[ironbird]

Guilt-tripping isn't particularly classy, either.

BREAK UP WITH HER. SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU.

In the nicest possible way (I'll get banned if I said what I would like to ;)) - Don't talk to me on this site again. Cheers.

@ Mandy Tjarks, Thanks for your input. She has been dignosed but if too scared to goto therapy because facing her trauma would mean her life would crumble and she wouldn't be able to do basic tasks etc.

And before anyone posts in here with the same advice as sea - Why is it when this girl avoids me, she doesn't like me but when all your husbands and wifes do it to you guys, they are just poor suffering PTSDers? I have read SO much on this forum, post after post, trying to become familiar with PTSD and NOTHING this girl is exhibiting is different to anything anyone else has discribed! So please, I'm just here looking for advice on how to manage our relationship as best as possible.

 

[sea]

me- "so you'd rather go shopping than spend the night with me?"

her- "yep."

her- "anything i say you will pick at because i'm not coming over so it was the shortest answer to your black/white question."

The answer is pretty much in what she is telling you. Instead of ignoring the things that you don't want to hear, why not listen to the things she says to you? She is telling you that she doesn't like what you are saying to her, she doesn't like the way you think about her. And when she says things like that, you jump on her and tell her she has an attachment disorder and she's clearly psychotic and disordered because she would rather spend time with her mother, than spend time with her boyfriend.

Other people are in relationships where it is established that the two people clearly love one another and they have made a commitment to eachother based on this. I am fairly certain this girl wants to break up with you, but is too guilty or scared to do it. She is trying to drop you the biggest hints imaginable and you are not picking them up. You are then criticizing her for the way that she behaves, when she is basically spelling it out to you. At this point it is not on her to change her behavior - it is for you to accept that she doesn't want to spend time with you, she doesn't think it's appropriate, she would prefer to isolate, and to either accept that about her or to break up with her if you can't handle it.

You obviously recognize that other people are going to think the same thing I am thinking, which indicates that you at least understand that about seven or eight different people have told you the same thing I am telling you. I have been present in chats multiple times where multiple people have tried to get you to understand that she does not want to spend time with you, and for you to let her go. You have even acknowledged that you are obsessive with her and you cannot let her go, but you continue to hang on. I just tried to be as absolutely blunt as possible because you seem not to be getting this.

I would also like to add that the condescension in "Poor suffering PTSDers" is not particularly winsome, either.

I will no longer reply to you as I have obviously offended you. I wish you luck.

 

[ironbird]

I'm not saying she psychotic. Where did I say that? She has been diagnosed with PTSD. So she is 'disordered'... and I' am not referencing what I said in my original post, based off this one drama. I have know her for over a year.

So your telling me that everything someone with PTSD says and does always correlate? How about the coutless people I have spoken to that have told me the nasty things they say and do to push their loved one away but deep down love them and don't want them to leave? Would you say they should dump their husband/wife based of what they say? It seems you will twist the rules of what is PTSD behaviour and what is not when it suites you to make me dump this girl.

So people just immediately love one and other do they? It doesn't take time to build? PTSD or not PTSD, they just look at one and other just immediately love each other? You are an idiot. Why is there countless threads on here where almost every long standing supporter/carer has been through hell and back? Why is my situation any different? Why is her avoiding me different from 'x poster's' husband avoiding her calls for a month and then being intimate for another 2 months then repeating?

I acknowledged the fact that people will think the same thing because last time I posted on this forum (before she was diagnosed) they all told me to leave her because she needed a friend more than an bf. Which I agree with, HOWEVER, she has come back to me asking for our relationship back, said she'll do her best to manage her stress (to which I told her not to blame herself if she couldn't) but can't promise me she won't do stuff exactly like I have discribed. I guess maybe I don't feel the need to update everyone here when things between her and I are going good, only when I need help. I so can see why you all might think its nothing but doom and gloom, however there are good times.

I said "poor suffering PTSDers" in the context of you failing to realize shes just as important and as fragile as the people on this site who we see struggling daily. Its just me talking here and not her, so maybe if it was her you'd change your tune. I have linked her to this site but she doesn't make use of it.

<edited by catjudo: not necessary to quote entire post directly above your post>

 

[sea]

Why is her avoiding me different from 'x poster's' husband avoiding her calls for a month and then being intimate for another 2 months then repeating?

Because they understand that isolation is a part of PTSD. There is nothing you can do to stop isolation. You need to give them their space. There are dozens of articles on this website including things Anthony and Nicolette have written themselves regarding isolation and space, and one of the biggest things they both say is that if a person with PTSD really wants their space, talks about needing their space, doesn't want to hang out with you, you need to accept that. You aren't accepting it. You think it's a problem. It is a problem in that isolation is "negative", but people with PTSD have a stress cup that is already full to the maximum. You are stressing her out. So she isolates from you. When she calms down from the stress, she comes back. You think she has "alexithymia" and "attachment disorder" and everything else under the sun because she doesn't want to interact with you.

Maybe she loves you, maybe she's hurting you because she loves you, maybe she's using you, maybe she's doing everything you just said - but it is you who can't deal with that. And that comes with the territory with PTSD. She has clearly made it obvious that she doesn't appreciate that you can't deal with it. Obviously I was harsh when I said she didn't like you. I don't know her so I can't speak for her. But what I do know is she obviously does not appreciate this position. If you can't handle the ups and downs of PTSD, you shouldn't be in the relationship. If you agree that she needs a friend rather than a boyfriend, I don't understand why you are still in this relationship. Are you not understanding that this problem is not with her, but with you? Your discomfort, your problem. Do you not understand that?

You asked for advice as to what to do. I'm telling you: Either deal with the fact that she isolates and learn to be independent of her, and stop calling her down ("alexithymia" and "attachment disorder" and "irresponsible" and "clubbing all the time" and "drunk all the time" are ALL PUT DOWNS), or, break up with her. That's the advice I can give. That's the advice anybody here could give. That's the advice Mandy gave you even though she was nicer about it than I was. Give her her space. Do you not understand this? I just can't figure out why you feel the need to continue posting here, and then ignore all the advice you are given that you do not want to hear, or call it down when you think it's "stupid". Advice is advice. There is good advice, there is bad advice, whatever. You don't need to call people names when they tell you things you can't fathom, tell them their perceptions are off and they're wrong and they're evil - listen. You're posting on a forum for advice. If you don't like what you read, don't post.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Ironbird,

No one is trying to attack or devalue you. Please reread the posts you have made since December in regard to your relationship with this young woman. Sea is correct that she is isolating and it seems to be something you have difficulty in accepting or handling.

Whether or not someone has PTSD, each person has a right to their personal freedoms. If they chose to stay, go, or go back and forth in a relationship that is really their business. But it is also up to the other person in that relationship to decide if they can handle it on those terms. If those are the terms, you accept them and stand by. If you cannot accept them, move on as to do so otherwise is harmful to both of you.

I have PTSD, but unless I am suicidal, quite honestly I am as sound of mind as the next person. My thoughts, reactions or may be different, but they are MY thoughts and MY actions. Respect yourself and your boundaries; but also respect her and her boundaries. Isolation is a choice, but it is a personal choice. It is your choice to live with it or not.

Ironbird, I do not know her background or what caused her PTSD. I know what caused mine, and in some ways, your posts and responses scare me. Could you possibly be scaring her?

JMHO
Debbie

 

[NIKI]

I have read all your other posts about this girl. She keeps doing the same thing to you OVER and OVER again and again. Seems to be that your "relationship" is not that strong and still in the very early stages. I would break up and go on with my life. Find someone that really WANTS to be with you!

 

[ironbird]

@ sea:

Re-read my OP. I have given her the space she needs. I haven't tried to communicate with her for now over two weeks. That is so hard for me to do but I have done it.

I voiced anything to her that you have called put downs. Those were just things I was researching to learn mor about how to deal with this and to not feel so alone in dealing with this behaviour. I never mentioned any attachment disorder... I posted a link to attachment STYLES. Much different.

I find it hard to talk to you because you twist my words back on me - keeping me in a perpetual state of defend myself or look like an asshole. You started with some misinformed rudeness, then progressed to being irrelevant, now are stating the obvious/what I already have done/know. Thanks for turning thread into a debate.

 

[ironbird]

@intothelight

I handle like any other supporter does on this site. I give her space, let her come to me when shes ready.. and it still hurts me like it does them too.

Sorry if my responses scare you. I don't think I' am scaring her? As I said in my OP, the last time we hung out, she came over, we were getting along great, lay down to watch a movie and she started kissing me etc, I told her to save it for the weekend because I know once she has sex, she'll not want it for a while but she said she'd be up for it that night AND on the weekend. So after she left that night, she said she'd message me on saturday to possibly hang out that night provided she wasn't doing anything sunday morning. The text conversation I posted followed Saturday night and here I' am two weeks later. The sexual intercourse obviously triggered her. She was raped by her brother for a number of years from when she was 5-7y/o...

<edited by catjudo: not necessary to quote entire posts>