I Need Help With This Girl!

[sea]

These are some of your own words:

It has been over two weeks since I have seen/spoken to her. Its driving me crazy. I haven't made a single attempt to call her after she was rude to me a few weekends back.

It hurts so much when I' am on facebook and she pops up online around 5-6pm when she normally finishes workyet makes no attempt to contact me. Even on the weekend when I got home at 3am she was online which generally means she checked her phone and was out drinking. Its like shes trying to push me away so badly yet doesn't want me to leave.

Also about dismissive - avoidant attachment styles: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults She obviously falls into that catagory.

me- "so you'd rather go shopping than spend the night with me?"

her- "anything i say you will pick at because i'm not coming over so it was the shortest answer to your black/white question."

I know her, she would at least let me know if she didn't want to continue with seeing me and she hasn't sent me anything..

So please, I'm just here looking for advice on how to manage our relationship as best as possible.

what should I do?

Why is there countless threads on here where almost every long standing supporter/carer has been through hell and back? Why is my situation any different? Why is her avoiding me different from 'x poster's' husband avoiding her calls for a month and then being intimate for another 2 months then repeating?

only when I need help.

but can't promise me she won't do stuff exactly like I have discribed.

Now read this:

I handle like any other supporter does on this site. I give her space, let her come to me when shes ready.. and it still hurts me like it does them too.

So what exactly is the problem? What are you looking for advice about? She's isolating and triggered. You're giving her the space she needs. You say you "clearly know that and are doing everything normally". All right then. You clearly know what you are doing, she is acting like a person with PTSD and you are acting like her supporter and doing everything you can and are doing it all properly. So, you clearly don't have a problem. Why are you asking for advice? What do you expect us to tell you to do? It hurts you. Yes. You. It is not her. It is you.

Maybe I am responding the way I am because I have been through the countless number of chats where you have called her all of those things, and continued to believe that it was her problem. The constant "So what should I do? Should I break up with her? Why hasn't she talked to me? Why won't she respond? She says she likes me but then doesn't talk to me"....and then reading the opening statements in this thread. And then further reading the statements you are making about how you "treat her the same as any supporter"...I don't think you do, because it sounds like you don't understand that she is isolating.

I am sure at least 3 or 4 other people could vouch for this as they have heard it as well.

It's not her problem. It's your problem. So that is what I am attempting to get through your head. It isn't irrelevant, you just aren't understanding what I am telling you. The crux of it is simple: She is isolating. It hurts you. If you can't deal with that hurt, you need to move on. You didn't appreciate hearing that because you are convinced that your situation is "The exact same". Except that every supporter who comes here is aware of isolation and is able to deal with it appropriately. They recognize that if they can't handle it, they need to leave. I can link you to countless threads about it. Read some of the stuff Angus or ISupportHer or Nicolette posts. Because that isolation is just part of PTSD due to the fact that PTSD constantly stresses you out (Read the stress cup explanations).

Get some therapy. Give her the space she needs. Acknowledge that she can and will make her own decisions, and that your responses are your own responsibility. You can tell me I'm doing everything you want, but all I am truly doing is responding to what you put out there. A lot of people have spent a lot of time telling you to do the obvious in this situation and you continue to come back and ask for advice that you keep rejecting due to being "already in a normal situation" or "already knowing it all". I have acknowledged that my first post was probably not the best. I have clarified my position at least two times since then and I have spent at least four or five chat sessions with you repeatedly clarifying the same position over and over and over again, which can also be vouched for by the people who have been there and who have seen me do this.

I have not twisted anything you have stated, I am reading what you are saying and responding to it. That is all I can do.

 

[OKRADLAK]

I am sad that you are in this. This is why I don't date.

First, PTSD can cause all those things, but bad behavior cannot always be linked to it. In fact, most of the time, we are the one that help people are care about others' feelings. We are very sensitive.

She is giving you NON PTSD signals that she is not interested in you. As a person with PTSD she is doing an excellent job of giving clear messages and I must commend her.

She is being very clear. And it is not PTSD talk in my opinion.

 

[anthony]

Ironbird, you are a supporter, yet you posted this within the PTSD area to discuss relationships, NOT the supporter area to discuss relationships, which says, you want feedback from those with PTSD, not feedback from other supporters. Vast difference in forum areas to the type of feedback you may get.

You can ask a person not to respond, but you DO NOT get to demand anything when you post something into the public sphere, please remember that. If you post it, you are going to get a range of opinions. What YOU respond to is within your power and control, what you ignore is also within your power and control.

That means, you as the thread starter get to lead the discussion on whether it turns into a debate for you or not. You have all that control just by who and what information you respond to, what you take away, what you ignore.

Please consider the above when responding and posting on the forum, as this is no different to what I would tell any person upon this forum.

 

[ironbird]

OKRADLAK, What are the NON PTSD signals that you speak of? Whats the point in saying that then not backing it up? Also, you speak so broadly about people with PTSD, saying "We're very sensitive"... So PTSD causes you to be sensitive?

anthony, do you have any advice for me?

I hope I haven't upset anyone so I' am going to quote anthony: "You have all that control just by who and what information you respond to, what you take away, what you ignore."

Why don't the people who I see liking sea's posts contribute?

 

[anthony]

I like Mandy's first response, to be perfectly honest.

Here is the simple aspect to this. She either wants to be in a relationship with you or she doesn't. Find out that answer, find out how that works for her and for you (collectively), then if that suits you, go with it, if it doesn't, get out of the relationship.

Right now, you obviously may feel like a doormat which is frustrating the hell out of you... you either accept being treated that way, or you don't. Nobody can tell you the answer except for you. I believe I have given you some possible things to think about, to assist you in making your decision, which only you can make.

 

[anthony]

Wow Sea that was really harsh.

I also agree with Mandy's second response...

 

[OKRADLAK]

OKRADLAK, What are the NON PTSD signals that you speak of? Whats the point in saying that then not backing it up?

If I went into great detail about everything I ever wrote, there would be no room for anything else.

Non PTSD means just that. Her behavior is not specific to PTSD. It is not her PTSD talking. How much clearer can I be??

I am not sure why you came on here. Do you want us to tell you she loves you and give you a secret formula to attract her to you? You need to be more specific and tells what you want from us. So far, you posted in sufferers space, don't like our answers, have been very defensive, and etc.

Look, we know you are suffering and no one is minimizing that. But we gave our opinions.......what more do you want?

 

[ironbird]

Well before this drama happened, we were quite happy and she was saying how much she has feelings for me etc, wants to be in a relationship with me etc etc, I don't doubt that but its hard to rationalize that when she is disappearing. Knowing she has PTSD has made me understand her behaviour A LOT better, other wise I would have just nexted her a long time ago.

Something that I would like some advice on is when a sufferer isolates, can it be from certain people or is it always from all other humans? Shes in hard spot and lives with her sister and another roomate. Her sister always invites her out drinking so I guess shes always tempted every weekend to drown her sorrows. She says she doesn't trust her sister and their relationship is entirely superficial.

 

[anthony]

If a person with PTSD is going to isolate, they isolate from pretty much everyone within any type of inner-circle within their life, and will typically only interact with anyone superficially, that has no attachment.

If she is isolating from you, and primarily you, then she doesn't want to be with you. Simple as that. People with PTSD use PTSD as an excuse all the time to escape people. They choose to do it at some level... isolating for a few days to a week, sure... weeks, plural... seriously, move on with your life, because she will just keep dragging you backwards.

You cannot help a person who doesn't want to help themselves. You need to stop questioning her actions and even making excuses for them to justify to yourself your waiting around... and make a decision, support her and put up with her crap, or look after yourself and leave the relationship. If she wants to be with you, then she would be making far more effort than cutting off all communication with you for weeks at a time.

Sorry, but to her, you are no doubt just a regular root by the sounds of it. You may of been more prior to PTSD, but now, that seems to be the impression she is giving.

Seriously, I have isolated in my past with PTSD, but never to the point I didn't send a text or make a phone call, something, to someone that I was dating at some point within days, not weeks.

 

[Nicolette]

Why don't the people who I see liking sea's posts contribute?

The reason for this would be simple Ironbird. If the post is "liked" it means people agree and we don't need to be parrots here regurgitating exactly what someone else has said just using our words. The likes should give you validation that other members support the line of thinking.

I don't know how to spell it out for you other than to say that just because you understand PTSD does not mean you can cope with it in a relationship which, IMHO, you are demonstrating you cannot, over and over, with this woman.

Actions always speak louder than words and sometimes people say things because they care for you and don't want to hurt you. I read, from what you are saying, this lady is demonstrating she cannot be close to you now. What she does with her sister may be confusing for you but is of no relevance to you. PTSD is not logical, nor is it something you can analyse in order to obtain a desired resuly which I sense you are seeking. You can learn how to deal with symptoms but it seems you can't cope with isolation and that is something only you can decide - you change and accept it or accept you cannot deal with such a relationship. It takes more than love to make any relationship to work and with PTSD there is even more that you must come together on in order for it to work.

If you have read all the sticky threads and posts over the forum you will see that the first people to be isolated are those closest due to the emotional involvement. I feel like you just want everyone to answer you over and over until you hear what you want rather than taking your time to read what is written all over the forum and already pointed out to you.

The worst thing you can do is hash this, tearing it to pieces trying to find the answer you want.

It's really simple............ you can either accept and cope with the way things are (which you are not demonstrating) or you walk away and maybe things may change, maybe they may not. You are just torturing yourself and quite frankly becoming a little frustrating to deal with here as you do not seem to take on any of the advice given to you.

 

[sea]

The fact that you are in pain is not the reason why everybody is telling you that you seem not to be able to cope with her isolation. It's the fact that you are here, asking us for advice about her isolation, continually and constantly trying to get someone to tell you how you can make her stop isolating. That you keep coming into chat and asking if she likes you, does she want to be with you, does she even care, why does she do this and do that, etc. You're not coping. Being in so much pain that you are unable to reasonably understand she is isolating and give her the space she needs and continuing to come here and demand the same things over and over and over and over and over again indicates you aren't coping. Waffling over breaking up with her or not constantly, that isn't coping.

We recognize that you are in pain. No one is denying it. We're just telling you that there is nothing you can do about your situation aside from either cope with it (find some way that it hurts you less and that you can allow her to act autonomously) or leave the situation (by breaking up with her). That is the advice that we have given you which you have asked for. You came here and asked "What do I do? What can I do? I need help with this girl. I need help. I need help. I need help. Tell me what to do. Tell me how to make it better." Your posts have consistently stated this probably since you have joined, at least every post I have seen by you has been about this. Every instance of chat with you has been this constant, "Give me advice. Tell me what to do." We are. Whether or not you agree seems to be the issue, not whether or not we are doing what you have asked.

You told me to stop talking to you after I initially spoke my rude comment. A comment that I made, by the way, to get exactly this result. For people to feel more confident in telling you the reality of your situation. For people to see that someone has taken it upon themselves to be blunt with you. I was rude, and I do feel like a jackass for it, but I'm not sorry that we are now finally telling you what you need to hear. Not what you want to hear. You have been here since 2010, and I expect that if you are still here, that people have not actually said things to you as bluntly as we are now saying them to you.

I kept talking to you (even against your wishes, which I recognize) not just because I want to scream at you and tell you what an idiot you are and tell you how wrong you are and what an asshole you are and make you defend yourself and start some kind of debate. I genuinely want you to think about what we are saying to you. I have tried to make it as blunt and straight forward as I possibly can. We have all made it as simple as possible. As Anthony said, you have posted this in the PTSD forum, which means that you want advice from people with PTSD. You have received multiple people, carers and supporters, telling you the exact same thing. I would think maybe read Nicolette's posts, and Intothelight's posts a bit more thoroughly.

Try looking at some of these threads:

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/wow-had-a-talk-with-my-sufferer-last-night.18043/[/DLMURL]
[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/any-of-you-carers-have-your-own-emotional-issues.18446/[/DLMURL]
[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/hurting-crying-alone.18532/[/DLMURL]
[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/as-a-carer-what-would-therapy-do.18739/[/DLMURL]
[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/taking-care-of-me.9781/[/DLMURL]
[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/waiting.16667/[/DLMURL]

Please read them all, thoroughly.

 

[ironbird]

Just cause I' am voicing the pain I' am feeling doesn't mean I'm not coping. My life at the moment is going well. I have a awesome job, live right by the beach on my own at 22, studying Marine Biology, having been setting new PRs in the gym, have heaps of friends etc. Everything except my relationship with her... I have had 4 other girls express interest in starting some kind of relationship with me since the start of the year but I have no connection with any of them. Part of me thinks I' am an idiot for not taking them up on their offers since I could have a normal relationship with them no doubt but my feelings lie with this girl.

It is rather perplexing me if she is genuine or not... on one hand she says shes never had a bf or any type of connection before me, and has tried to have feelings for people but just couldn't etc, I' am the exeption. Then when she breaks up back in January, she is all over me again asking to get back with me. Saying she knows she treated me badly and was selfish and wants to work on herself but with me at her side etc. The other night when she was over, we were drinking in bed and I was talking to her about the final days before my mum passed and I started crying etc, she was cuddling & kissing me and ended up crying herself because she didn't like seeing me cry. That was the second time she cried in 10 years apart from that day at the beach when she first told me it was her brother who was her abuser. I see it on her face when she thinks of losing me, she doesn't want to however will do stuff like disappear for two weeks, which apparently people with PTSD don't do without txting... It disheartens me hearing that stuff.