I Need Help With This Girl!

[NIKI]

If you want to stay with her, then you just have to accept her the way she is.

Until she wants to get help or if she wants to get help this is how it is going to be and you will be going into it with your eyes wide open.

 

[Nicolette]

Ummm...hello! People with PTSD do disappear without texting. Some don't. I suggest you Google the definition of isolation.

No one is questioning whether she loves you or not. But most are saying you are asking for advice yet reasoning why none of it should be taken and you are continuing somewhat obsessively.

I feel nothing I say to you is worth the time taken to write it as you are not demonstrating any willingness to consider what others have to say yest state you are after advice.

 

[Muzikluvr]

The other night when she was over, we were drinking in bed and I was talking to her about the final days before my mum passed and I started crying etc, she was cuddling & kissing me and ended up crying herself because she didn't like seeing me cry. That was the second time she cried in 10 years apart from that day at the beach when she first told me it was her brother who was her abuser. I see it on her face when she thinks of losing me, she doesn't want to however will do stuff like disappear for two weeks, which apparently people with PTSD don't do without txting... It disheartens me hearing that stuff.

I have only liked Sea's comments because I have a low threshold for ramming my head against a wall.

And, because I wanted to bring up your Mum, and I didn't think I should since you hadn't mentioned her.

In talking with you on chat, you said that your Mum had PTSD and you took care of her. When she passed away you felt like you'd not only lost your Mum, but lost your purpose.

I believe that you have transferred your purpose to this girl. You cannot save her. And, frankly it concerns me that you are looking for the right buttons to push to make her behave properly, by researching all of these different diagnoses, and asking PTSD'ers to tell you what to do to get her to stop isolating.

After speaking with you about this on chat, you agreed that you would seek counsel from a Therapist for yourself. You have much to work on in therapy. A person doesn't have to have PTSD to need to see a Therapist.

Before going into counseling again, I found this article on the internet. (Anthony, I'm sorry, I don't know if it is a live link or okay to post it here.)

Link Removed

It is in regards to the effects that a parent's PTSD has on their children, and of course, my concern is my own children. But, for you, my concern is YOU. And, you have a lot of needs. You really DO need to seek a counselor for yourself.

It is definitely worth going to a therapist for YOUR sanity. You just lost your Mum. You need a guide.

 

[ironbird]

Thanks for that link Muzikluvr. Thats why its good for people who like other's posts to contribute! ;)

If a person with PTSD is going to isolate, they isolate from pretty much everyone within any type of inner-circle within their life, and will typically only interact with anyone superficially, that has no attachment.

If she is isolating from you, and primarily you, then she doesn't want to be with you. Simple as that. People with PTSD use PTSD as an excuse all the time to escape people. They choose to do it at some level... isolating for a few days to a week, sure... weeks, plural... seriously, move on with your life, because she will just keep dragging you backwards.

You cannot help a person who doesn't want to help themselves. You need to stop questioning her actions and even making excuses for them to justify to yourself your waiting around... and make a decision, support her and put up with her crap, or

after yourself and leave the relationship. If she wants to be with you, then she would be making far more effort than cutting off all communication with you for weeks at a time.

Sorry, but to her, you are no doubt just a regular root by the sounds of it. You may of been more prior to PTSD, but now, that seems to be the impression she is giving.

Seriously, I have isolated in my past with PTSD, but never to the point I didn't send a text or make a phone call, something, to someone that I was dating at some point within days, not weeks.

Ummm...hello! People with PTSD do disappear without texting. Some don't. I suggest you Google the definition of isolation.

No one is questioning whether she loves you or not. But most are saying you are asking for advice yet reasoning why none of it should be taken and you are continuing somewhat obsessively.

I feel nothing I say to you is worth the time taken to write it as you are not demonstrating any willingness to consider what others have to say yest state you are after advice.

This is why I feel like I' am beating MY head agasint a brick wall!!!!! I know I have to make an important decision with this girl whom I have feelings for and then I get this? Sorry to be rude but its hard to have faith in all the mixed messages. I agree with everything about looking after me, me getting therapy, and nothing I say or do will make her change etc.. but can I get some clarity on this?

 

[anthony]

What clarity? People have different opinions, again... you want someone to tell you what to do, but only you can decide for yourself what to do. Make a decision... that's how simple this is.

 

[ironbird]

Oh so it was your opinion that regardless of PTSD, if she liked me; she'd make more effort than she is. However, Nicolette says that it is not uncommon for sufferers to do this to their loved ones. On one hand your telling me PTSD or not she doesn't like me, and Nicolette is saying this is no indicator to that...

I know its my decision, but there is a lot of conflicting messages here to make any decision and be satisfied with it.

 

[wife of]

Ptsd is one whole huge mass of confliction,my sufferer and I were togetherr for many years before it started.I liked the post suggesting you split because if you are at a point where you are so confused and angry by this after knowing her for only a year then personaly,and it is only my opinion ,do not see a future for you that is happy.
You are correct that love grows over time and can bond people like glue,I don't see how that bond can develop in your current situation.
Maybe that you need to concentrate on growing a friendship as just a supporting friend to begin with and then see what transpires,thus removing the pressure on both yourself and her.
Many ptsders feel the need to run and isolate when they are feeling chased after and understanding this point is fundamental in supporting a sufferer.
If you cant stand the heat of the waiting game then it is the time to get out of the kitchen.
This might sound brutal,its just me being honest.
Good luck.

 

[Muzikluvr]

Hey Ironbird,

Have you checked this thread out?

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/should-i-stay-or-should-i-go-a-reality-check.4997/[/DLMURL]

It's got a lot of tough questions to it, but it seems like it would be worth answering them and considering it. I know it is tough thinking about letting go of her, but while you answer the questions you really need to let go of the outcome. And, just answer the questions honestly and with YOUR BEST interests in mind.

Do this privately.
Do not feel like you are being judged when you answer.
Answer these questions for YOU and think of yourself as someone who MATTERS. Because you DO matter. It is YOUR pain that we are all responding to. I don't give a f*ck about this girl who is driving you crazy.

I think my biggest problem in communicating with you is how I feel when you tell me you're hurting. It spikes my anxiety and I really want to make it go away for you. I want to just take that pain away as soon as possible. And, I can't. The quickest way to get rid of the pain has been rejected by you multiple times. So, you choose pain over sanity, at least from MY point of view. I guess we're all human, and there are pluses as well as minuses to seeing this girl.

These questions seem like they address those pluses and minuses. At least they will give you perspective of the relationship from YOUR point of view. Then relax. Breath easy. And decide to continue seeing her anyway or not. It's okay. The choice is yours. Own it. You are all powerful in this decision. You don't have to change yourself or her. Just be aware of what you're dealing with and accept it.

I believe that you have to take care of yourself, and find people who are like-minded because it's easier to take care of yourself when you are around people who get you. But, you can't control other people, so I steer clear of people who consistently make choices that hurt me. You cannot hitch your wagon to someone who hurts you so bad and expect that you won't get burned badly. But you can choose that for yourself. It is your right.

Please let me know when you have scheduled your first appointment with a therapist. I have my first appointment with my new T tomorrow. I'm nervous, but I'm excited too. I'm ready to address my issues and move forward from here. Many here are starting therapy and are nervous and not sure if they're ready for what is about to come. We will support you in your journey, Ironbird.

(btw, I am not just a LITTLE BIT resentful of my dad who thanked ME for going to therapy to solve our family problems... as if HE doesn't NEED any therapy. As if I'M the only one who needed advice from an experienced outsider. I am Extremely Resentful that my family thinks that I am the only one with a problem. They contribute to my problems with their expectations and poor communication styles... and other things that should be addressed. So, every day that you come on here and talk about how your girlfriend needs to get counseling to fix herself so you can enjoy your relationship with her... grates on my sensibilities and flashes me to my family of origin who think that the relationship hinges on MY BEHAVIOR alone.)

So seriously. Let me know when you have a therapist.

 

[Nicolette]

Nicolette says that it is not uncommon for sufferers to do this to their loved ones. On one hand your telling me PTSD or not she doesn't like me, and Nicolette is saying this is no indicator to that...

But Nicolette also said:

PTSD is not logical, nor is it something you can analyse in order to obtain a desired resuly which I sense you are seeking. You can learn how to deal with symptoms but it seems you can't cope with isolation and that is something only you can decide - you change and accept it or accept you cannot deal with such a relationship. It takes more than love to make any relationship to work and with PTSD there is even more that you must come together on in order for it to work.

So, if she loves you she currently cannot be with you due to PTSD or it could be the case that she is just ignoring you as she is not interested in a relationship other than one on her terms? We do not know the answer to this. This is for you to figure out. Yes it is confusing and what I said is true - "its not uncommon" but like Anthony said as an example "he would make contact within days and not weeks while in this state". With me during isolation the worst from Anthony is I don't get my daily lunch time call at work but as he gets better it then changes to a simple text message and graduates back to normal. I feel alone during this time but not like I don't exist for weeks which I suggest is how you might be feeling.

 

[anthony]

Exactly... you only read what you wanted, and disregarded what was stated above from within those posts.

If she loved you and wanted to be with you, it wouldn't be "weeks", it would be "days" at most... a text message, something... not "nothing" at all, like she is. BIG difference.

You're being a doormat and she will use you as a doormat if you accept being treated that way.

 

[forcesunified]

Ironbird,

I was in a similar situation that you're in, except she cut all contact from me completely. I never contacted her again. I was very confused about why she did this because we talked all the time before she told me she had ptsd.Maybe she felt uncomfortable around me because I knew something about her that was very personal and few others knew about. I don't know.

Regardless of whether or not her behavior is a result of the ptsd, I think you should go elsewhere because this girl isn't going to have a healthy relationship with you -- or maybe anyone. There are plenty of women out there who never establish good relationships, and you're not going to save this girl from her issues.

I really hate it when people from this site pretend like they know what's going wrong in a relationship when they don't personally know either of the people involved. Those who have told you she's just not into you, and that it has nothing to do with ptsd are jumping to premature conclusions. The same can be said of you when you blame all of the difficulties on ptsd.

Nobody really knows what's going on, but it is clear that you should leave because this just isn't healthy. She might feel uncomfortable around you because you know so many intimate details, or maybe she wants someone with a different hair color. You'll never know the truth, and neither does anybody on this forum. You continue to contact this girl, and if you just go find someone else, you can forget about her.

I actually think you have good intentions, and I wish some of the people here would not try to humiliate you, but you really should drop all of this.

<edited Nicolette: paragraphing>

 

[NIKI]

I actually think you have good intentions, and I wish some of the people here would not try to humiliate you

I agree!