I Need Help With This Girl!

[ironbird]

Thanks for all your contributions.

Last night I thought I would break my silence to her, so I sent her a text message inviting her to come out on the town with my new housemate and I. She said she couldn't. About 10 minutes later I noticed she created an event on facebook. A going away drinks farewell gathering for her and her sister next week since they are going to Ecuador. I wasn't invited. I noticed she even invited a couple of the guys she had slept with in her past and not me. About half an hour later I noticed she had deleted me off her friends list and liked one of the bands I have in my list...

I sent her a message asking her to at least have the integrity to talk to me but she hasn't responded.

 

[Nicolette]

I wish some of the people here would not try to humiliate you

Ironbird would be going through a terrible struggle. The confusion would be hurtful. That being said he was asked for opinions based on what he wrote. Members can only respond with the information they have. All members have different opinions and experiences which lead them to the manner in which they respond. All that being said; I don't think anyone intentionally tried to humiliate Ironbird.

While the answers may not be ones people may not like reading or hearing the general intent is to help and support each other. There are times in my life when I wish my friends told me what they honestly thought, rather than saying what they thought I wanted to hear or prettied it up for me, as it only left me longer with the same struggle and sometimes even hindered it.

If I put the shoe on the other foot I would be hurt and unsupported by some of what is written here but I also know most of the members who have responded and wholeheartedly believe none intend anything other than to help.

 

[Nicolette]

I sent her a message asking her to at least have the integrity to talk to me but she hasn't responded.

I am sorry for your pain Ironbird.

There is a song in which the chorus is:

You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all

 

[catjudo]

she created an event on facebook. A going away drinks farewell gathering for her and her sister next week since they are going to Ecuador. I wasn't invited. I noticed she even invited a couple of the guys she had slept with in her past and not me. About half an hour later I noticed she had deleted me off her friends list

I think she's not handling things the nicest way, however I do believe her most recent actions seem to support what many here have tried to tell you. It does not seem as though she is necessarily isolating, just distancing herself from you. You may need to face that this has nothing to do with PTSD and just that she doesn't want to be with you. Her actions certainly seem to say she doesn't want to be with you. Perhaps it is her PTSD that is keeping her from just being assertive and direct with you to let you know in a dignified way. That sucks but there is nothing you can do to change it. Either way, she seems to be trying to remove you from her life. As much as it hurts, it sounds as though you need to move on. Give yourself time to heal as I know it is painful, but do move on.

 

[ironbird]

Yeah this is f*cked up seriously. This is over. I have written a final letter to her which I havent sent yet but will in a day after my of my thoughts come to me. Its a bit nasty but seriously, she needs to be responsible for her actions mental illness or not.

 

[Nicolette]

I am sorry for your pain Ironbird.

May I suggest that after writing the letter you hold onto it for a few days longer before sending it or maybe even "have a ritual such as burning the letter" so you let go in peace. The reason I say this as the letter is about you and it will not make her change or be "responsible" and you don't want the content to portray you in a bad light if it's a "bit nasty".

Write what you must but send it out into the Universe to set yourself free as, while I understand what your intentions are, will you then be sitting there waiting for a response? The letter changes nothing of the status quo; it only means anything if it helps you.

 

[Tiger Kitten]

her- "well i though i was going to let you know if i could stay or not, i was just about to text you to let you know i have to goto the markets at 7 tomorrow with my mum."
me- "so you'd rather go shopping than spend the night with me?"
her- "yep."
me- "umm, what sort of thing is that to say? and did it take a whole day to let me know that? do you think this is an acceptable way to treat someone whilst in a relationship?"
her- "anything i say you will pick at because i'm not coming over so it was the shortest answer to your black/white question."

The passive aggressive/ guilt tripping statement you made would have probably gotten the same response from me. You sound as though you are trying to manipulate her. I don't know if you are doing it subconsciously or not, but it's a classic manipulative statement. From her response it seems that the passive aggressive/ guilt tripping thing isn't a one time occurrence. Perhaps you need to work on your communication skills. I don't see anything wrong in her response to the guilt trip/ passive aggressive question you asked. I don't understand why you got angry about it at all. You attacked her, and she defended herself and explained herself quite logically.

If this is typical communication between the two of you, it may be the cause of a lot of the issues. I know passive aggressiveness and guilt trips confuse me and exasperate my ptsd symptoms. Any form of manipulation makes me want to isolate to protect myself. I may get sucked back in by the manipulation, but it becomes a pattern: isolation, manipulation, isolation, manipulation... until I finally find the strength to get myself out of the unhealthy situation. Maybe you should just leave her alone and work on your own issues to find out why you have the (subconscious or not) need to manipulate.

Tiger

 

[anthony]

I wouldn't suggest making yourself look worse in her eyes by sending her a nasty letter... and it will ONLY make you look worse, nothing more will be achieved.

Go get laid would be my simple response... get drunk... go pickup and get on with life.

 

[ironbird]

That was one of many times shes done this. Other times it excuses like "I'm seeing my friend tonight for drinks, so I can't afford to go with you to ***" or "My landlord is inspecting my house in a week so I have to stay home this weekend and prepare my house" or "I can't because my sister is in a bad place". She has given me reason to doubt all of this when sometimes I see on facebook shes made a new friend that comments "hey it was awesome at club so and so, hope you didn't drink too much!", the next day.

If she was acting normal I wouldn't be passive agressive. I mean seeing her mum is a valid excuse but I always wonder about her and can't trust her after past experiences. Why is it ok for her to be so rude? I was trying to get her to look at her own actions. She has also done similar things to me and manipulated me in far worse ways.

I' won't send the letter tonight. Soon though. I need to dwell on it a bit more so I' am satisfied.

I can't get over not being invited seriously, that is so very cruel. I have paid for our outtings to the cinemas, breakfasts together, hiking trips etc and she invites a couple of the guys she had brief flings with before me... she always said she felt nothing for them and they were just friends. They are all in established relationships now aswell and never talk to her. Even some of the people who shes invited has posted on the event wall stuff like "omg its been years.." GRRRRRR!!!!!!! shes living in some superficial world.

 

[anthony]

I think you have a long way to go with maturity here mate, with some things you're saying. Seriously? You are using paying for things with her as part of an excuse / assigning guilt to her, when that is a decision you made that suited best at that time. You don't get to pay for things in exchange for sex or companionship, unless you're hiring an escort, then you are paying for sex. That is the impression I am getting from some of your words. I could be wrong, I could be reading it wrong... am I?

 

[ironbird]

I paid for her because she told me she was poor at the time.

Your entitled to you thoughts about my maturity but I was treated like a doormat as you said...

 

[Muzikluvr]

I've been treated like a doormat.
I've been a complete jerk to people.
I've clung to others so long they thought I was a stalker.
...and more.

So, I went to therapy. I found a counselor to talk to about what was done to me... and how I learned to communicate. Why proper means of communication hadn't worked for me. Why I felt like I had to be in control of others all the time.

A therapist will help you deal with your feelings about this latest relationship. S/he will help you deal with the loss of your mother, and the way that you had to take care of her. If you don't work out how you were expected to help your mother, then you will never learn how to pick a woman worthy of your love... and if you pick one... you will drive her away by controlling her.

You really need to be willing to seek professional help in order to receive the best that this forum has to offer. We support one another in Recovery... and you seem to fit in here in my opinion, because you grew up with a mom with PTSD, and it truly affected you. So, go get a professional to help you deal with your feelings about this girl... and maybe post a thread in the Therapy section of the forum.