Hi, I just joined and writing this post. I am just looking for the solution for my current situation and thought that someone with or experienced ptsd can help me out.
It all started when I was hanging out with this guy I had a thing for. I was sexually assaulted but I didn't realize what happened. Before moving to states 5 months before the incident, I lived in Asia and the society never ever talked or taught me about 'sex'
I started to have flashbacks and erratic emotions when I started to date this kid a year after. I didn't know what's happening to me so I freaked out. I would just get frozen up and not being able to focus on where I am and who I am with fortunately, he were close with his school psychiatrist and talked to him about me. Then with their help, my symptoms started to get better. I was no longer scared of hugging him, cuddling and just hanging out in bed. But one thing that I couldn't break the wall to reach was sex. He was being completely understanding and didn't force to have sex. We dated for about a year and half and then we stepped into long distance relationship. We kinda wanted to end things since our situation wasn't really letting us stick together. but we still had feelings for each other. And as I moved pretty far, he started to seeing this girl. I got upset and said/did some things that I would never imagined myself doing it during that period. I felt like only thing I have that can possibly bring him back was sleeping with him. So he became my first guy. He just kinda used me to have sex and I was easily tempted to go for it because that was how I got hold of him. But at the end, things got dirty and we ended up not talking to each other at all.
and next 4 years, i didn't have a legit relationship after that. I would meet a guy and if I wanna develop something with him, I would just go sleep with him. That didn't happen too many times but the way I was thinking was that my body can be something that can be exchanged for the love i get. I treated my body like a tool to have a connection.
Then now I am seeing this guy seriously. it's been five months into relationship now. We slept together. He knows my condition and understands it and feels sorry that he rushed to make love with me. Since he realized he acted too quick, he is now being careful about how I react when we have physical contact. He isn't trying to have sex everytime he has a chance because he always asks me how i feel or if it's okay to hug me. if i don't want it, he didn't want it either. But I started to think like he might get bored of me or something because there is no physical relationship. We would make out in bed and play around but pretty much right before having sex, I get scared. I would get stiffen or shake violently and start cry. I am not seeing flashbacks anymore and I know who I am with at that current point. It's just the emotion and fear comes back. He says that it's okay if we don't have sexual relationship because i understand your situation and don't wanna force you and make you cry or scared. I know he is understanding and all but it's just the thought I can't get rid of. I am afraid that he might leave me because of how I act and can't content him physically. I don't wanna feel scared and start to freak out right before stepping into intimacy...
How do you deal with it if you are in similar situation? Any advice please?
It all started when I was hanging out with this guy I had a thing for. I was sexually assaulted but I didn't realize what happened. Before moving to states 5 months before the incident, I lived in Asia and the society never ever talked or taught me about 'sex'
I started to have flashbacks and erratic emotions when I started to date this kid a year after. I didn't know what's happening to me so I freaked out. I would just get frozen up and not being able to focus on where I am and who I am with fortunately, he were close with his school psychiatrist and talked to him about me. Then with their help, my symptoms started to get better. I was no longer scared of hugging him, cuddling and just hanging out in bed. But one thing that I couldn't break the wall to reach was sex. He was being completely understanding and didn't force to have sex. We dated for about a year and half and then we stepped into long distance relationship. We kinda wanted to end things since our situation wasn't really letting us stick together. but we still had feelings for each other. And as I moved pretty far, he started to seeing this girl. I got upset and said/did some things that I would never imagined myself doing it during that period. I felt like only thing I have that can possibly bring him back was sleeping with him. So he became my first guy. He just kinda used me to have sex and I was easily tempted to go for it because that was how I got hold of him. But at the end, things got dirty and we ended up not talking to each other at all.
and next 4 years, i didn't have a legit relationship after that. I would meet a guy and if I wanna develop something with him, I would just go sleep with him. That didn't happen too many times but the way I was thinking was that my body can be something that can be exchanged for the love i get. I treated my body like a tool to have a connection.
Then now I am seeing this guy seriously. it's been five months into relationship now. We slept together. He knows my condition and understands it and feels sorry that he rushed to make love with me. Since he realized he acted too quick, he is now being careful about how I react when we have physical contact. He isn't trying to have sex everytime he has a chance because he always asks me how i feel or if it's okay to hug me. if i don't want it, he didn't want it either. But I started to think like he might get bored of me or something because there is no physical relationship. We would make out in bed and play around but pretty much right before having sex, I get scared. I would get stiffen or shake violently and start cry. I am not seeing flashbacks anymore and I know who I am with at that current point. It's just the emotion and fear comes back. He says that it's okay if we don't have sexual relationship because i understand your situation and don't wanna force you and make you cry or scared. I know he is understanding and all but it's just the thought I can't get rid of. I am afraid that he might leave me because of how I act and can't content him physically. I don't wanna feel scared and start to freak out right before stepping into intimacy...
How do you deal with it if you are in similar situation? Any advice please?
