I Need Help

[Hush92]

My entire life now revolves around distracting myself from how much I hate being alive. I spent all of last night fantasizing about killing myself. I know how I'd do it but would prefer a way that if I failed wouldn't leave scars in an obvious location. I spent all last night thinking about how good it would feel to just let everything go and not have to care anymore, to know nothing was my problem anymore. I try to think of how Robin Williams and other people made it so long living like this and I can't comprehend it. Middle age and old age seem light years away to me. I constantly think about something killing me accidentally, which would be my "get out of jail free card." I always wish I was old and death was right around the corner.

I get no joy from life anymore. The only thing that makes me happy now is spending time with my friends and family, and the minute I'm not with them my mind plunges again. I don't enjoy doing anything else anymore, and can't motivate myself to do anything not related to my school work anyways. I don't know what to do guys. I really, really hate life. I'm very scared to tell my therapist this because I do NOT want to be hospitalized. I know for SURE that would make things worse because I would fall behind in my work which would spike my anxiety really badly. I am considering asking my therapist about anti-depressants, but those take a long time to kick in. I don't know what to do.

 

[Suzetig]

I can hear how much you're really struggling just now - it's horrible to be in that place. Does anyone in your life know this is how you're feeling? If you finding spending time with loved ones helps you, try to be around people while you're feeling so low. Do explore medication with your therapist, anti depressants do take time to kick in but they can really help. You said you can't motivate yourself to do anything other than school work, that's means you are able to push yourself to study? Even if it feels hard to retain anything? That's a good thing, focus on what you are able to do, no matter how small it seems.

It might also help to focus on the people you love, who would be devastated if you weren't here any more - when you think of folk like Robin Williams, don't forget the sadness and pain caused to others when he died.

If at any time you feel like you would act on your feelings, get help from a helpline or emergency services. The world is a better place with you in it.

 

[KwanYingirl]

In my opinion you are depressed. You should tell your therapist exactly what you wrote here. People that fantasize about death are not routinely put into a hospital. It's important to make a list of reasons to be alive. Find pictures of people you love and special places that you enjoyed in the past. Make a plan and follow it. Have phone numbers written down to your therapist, suicide hotline, local emergency room. Add to it people you know that understand your struggle.

Try writing a list of the stressors in your life right now. Can you lessen the stress in any way? When is your next visit to your therapist? If he/she allows you to email out of session, I suggest you contact them pronto. I don't know that antidepressants take a long time to make a difference, but that is not a valid reason not to try them.

You are important to many people. If you have PTSD you're going to have down times. You were very brave to reach out to us. You don't have to be alone and it's not helpful to guess what people are thinking or that they may judge you. You do need support. I'm sorry that you are feeling down.

 

[Stickler]

I really think you ought to talk to your therapist. If the therapist can refer you to a good psychiatrist, meds may help immensely.

...Behavioral activation is forcing yourself to do stuff that you would want to do were you not depressed.
It can help.

 

[Hush92]

I can hear how much you're really struggling just now - it's horrible to be in that place. Does anyone i...

Yes I am able to study. Sometimes schoolwork is actually good for me because it keeps my brain focused and off of thinking about how much I don't want to be here. Sometimes my anxiety makes it very difficult to do....but I'm still keeping up with it. I am doing my best to focus on my loved ones. My family is a big motivator to keep me from killing myself because they need me. However I haven't seen them in about a month now. They feel very far away. I'm having trouble going home because many weeks I have to run a research project for the lab I work in on weekend mornings and I live far away so it's not easy to get back in time.

I wish I could talk to the professor I work for about how much I'm struggling. He yelled at me the other day because I wasn't being diligent/careful enough with my project but truth be told I've been so out of it I'm not really doing anything well lately. He made me feel really terrible, and I think it's what sent me into this episode because I really, really need authority figures to like me and want to impress them. He made me feel like research isn't for me and I suck at what I do.

 

[Stickler]

Talk to student services also. Severe depression is a reason for medical withdrawal, if your grades keep sliding.
However, school's a good reason to try meds.

 

[Hush92]

In my opinion you are depressed. You should tell your therapist exactly what you wrote here. People...

I know I'm depressed. I've struggled with depression on and off since I was 10. It's gotten more and more severe the older I get. I always refused to think I had actual depression as an illness though because there is a lot going on for me that leads me to become depressed, I'm not typically depressed for no reason anymore. When I first started seeing my current therapist she told me she thought I was dealing with depression with psychotic features. (And ptsd)

I'm actually wishing I would go into a psychotic episode because they detach me from reality. Delusions give my brain something to focus on and think about constantly so it doesn't go into this pain spiral. But if I go into a psychotic episode my grades are sure to suffer....ugh....I will write a list of my stressors, sometimes that helps me sort them out and get them out of my head, thank you.

 

[Hush92]

I really think you ought to talk to your therapist. If the therapist can refer you to a good psychiatr...

I'm lucky because my therapist is also a nurse practitioner and can prescribe medication. One other concern I have with medication is my parents finding out. I had to go behind their backs to get therapy, and I guess they grudgingly accepted it because they never bring it up with me, but they are very anti-psychotropic medication. (My grandma abused Xanax and became addicted, had to go to rehab, very messy. They don't understand this happened because she abused it, and because benzos are addictive and different from other psychotropic drugs....)

Also I didn't know there was a name for that, behavioral activation. I do try to force myself to do things I used to really like and have fun doing. I just lose motivation so quickly.

To answer your second post, when I was with my last psychiatrist and therapist they were supposed to set me up with this support program for those with mental illness that my school runs that provides services and help, but they never did because they were terrible. (Hence why I don't go to that doc and therapist anymore) I don't have the energy or strength to go about setting that up for myself at this time.

 

[Seasounds]

You are going through a lot; be easy on yourself.

Please explore the idea, that you are a good person, AND that you have a condition that you are working to manage, so you can experience ways to enjoy yourself and life.

It takes time, diligence, finding the right help, and finding the right medications.

Nice ideas from others, in this thread.
Ask more questions, or ask for more help, if you need it.
Best to you.