I Need To Save You From Me

[Deleted member 1860]

The title says it well, but I'll explain.

I feel that I am at a point where I should be alone. My PTSD puts a strain on everyone around me. I know it's not fair to them. I have destroyed nearly every friendship I've had, both old and new,due to my anxiety and anger episodes. I don't have a problem making new friends, but feel I need to stop. I am to a point where I believe it is selfish to bring anyone into my life as people don't deserve to be subjected to any of my symptoms. Hence my feeling of saving everyone else from me.

I'm not trying to be rude, but please don't give me responses like oh you deserve to be loved (I don't believe this with the way I act in an episode), or that things will get better (yes, they will, but idk if to the point where having people in my life would ever be good for them).

And right now I'm trying to get better, but it's not fair to anyone else to be my guinea pig. It's inevitable that I'll have an episode and the relationship will be over.

Maybe one day I'll be ok. But not right now. I just can't hurt anyone anymore.

Thanks for reading.

 

[piratelady]

I feel the same way you do at times. I start to wonder if it's the PTSD-me just wanting to isolate or if it's a rational decision. I have yet to figure that one out. But I do understand where you are coming from.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think you are just being honest with yourself scardedoflonely.

What you have said here seems like a practical reason to isolate, until you feel more able to manage your symptoms in relationships.

At some point you may have to test it out and be open to friendship again. But if you are being as honest with yourself as you have been here, then you'll be able to walk away when needs be.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Thanks for your support and replies.

It's funny, as I cycle from wanting to "save" everyone else to just simply being ok. I realize that my need to save everyone else is another way I make myself feel guilty for every little mistake I make. (This goes hand in hand with my belief that I need to be perfect in order for people to like me.)

 

[Barberian]

Instead of isolating yourself from others, try taking little vacations, or a day(s) off from personal contact. Personally after a stressful day of being out in public I often take the next day or two "off" and isolate myself in my computer room. I tell my wife I need time to recover, and she is usually accommodating.

This gives me a time to recover, recharge and reflect on how I handled the last situation, and how I can handle the future situations.

If your still able to socialize, it's easier to continue to socialize. Once you withdraw from society it is much, much harder to reintegrate, trust me, I'm trying to come out of the hermit mode.