General I Put Up Boundaries

[pegasus]

After telling her she would have to look at this if she wanted me in her life, she contacted me the following day on something that was logistical and she could of easily done by email. The next day her teenage sister got in a fight at school and she texted me and looked to me for input. Now she says she has moved on, has found a new guy, but she looks to me for this input, which wasn't horrible because I knew some backgound and it wasn't just about her sister but it was about her mom and there were so many parrallels between the issues she needs to recognize and there's especially her Moms. But after talking to her I felt bad because I knew she likely was in someone elses arms. I have made it clear that I care too much and that I can't handle to just be only her friend. So I sent her a message saying I hope she understood but unless she really wanted to discuss herself I couldn't continue that. Now she is upset, she feels abandoned and is clearly mad lashing out some which I've let bounce off of me. She said I was selfish for wanting all or nothing. I've continued to enforce my boundary that if she has someone else in her life I can't be here, but she can't seem to let go of me and I know the reasons for that so I don't want to push her away, and I do feel like I've abandoned her even though I know it's what I have to do. In the process I've put pressure on her to look at herself it's been a biproduct of our conversations as I'm not trying to pressure her, but I feel left with no choice. I put up boundaries and I'm glad for me I did, but why does it have to be so hard. It would be so much easier just to walk away, but I don't because it's the right thing and I get stuck in no mans land.

 

[cyanide]

You're not being selfish if you're making a decision that is best for yourself. It's true that if you want to be in a relationship, it has to be all or nothing in some respects, because emotionally you (and myself) cannot handle seeing someone you love the most be with someone else. My ex and I are still friends, but not in the conventional sense. She knows how I feel about her, but she needs to be single right now. The problem is, I'm so emotionally invested in her and she's very distant from me, that we can't even have a properly functioning friendship. We're trying to establish boundaries for friendship right now, but it's a long and difficult process.

You're not being selfish if she is with someone else but also wants to keep you. It doesn't work that way, and you're right, it does force her to look at things more seriously because she knows that she could lose you. If she wants to be with you, she will have to make that decision, but in order to do that, she needs to look inside her heart.

I'm in a similar situation, and yes, it would be so much easier to walk away, but when there's ptsd in the equation, it is that much harder to do so because we both know in our hearts of hearts that they need us. It's hard to be there for them when it doesn't appear that they need us.

It's really frustrating and confusing for us, and it's the same for them. However, in my case, if she does find someone else, I will walk away. You did what's best for your well-being, and if she wants you back, she will reach out to you.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I think that you are doing the right thing. In the end we all have to take care of ourselves. No one can do it for us......Setting boundaries is essential for your mental health too.....

 

[amethist]

I agree with cyanide and She Cat here Pegasus, in the fact that you need to put yourself first.

I'm wondering, if you took ptsd out of the equation altogether would you stay around if you knew she was with someone else. Just a thought because I know I would not hang around. I know cyanide says it's harder when it is in the equation maybe so but I would turn it round and think a bit more.

I really don't mean to sound harsh, just trying to be honest and giving you another carers point of view. If my husband said to me "Sorry dear I need time out from you and I don't think we can carry on", then I found out he was with someone else, for me that would be the end as he would have crossed a boundary where there would be no going back.

Take some time out just for you.

Amethist

 

[pegasus]

Thank you Amethist and quite clearly I wouldn't. My issue is that she left me a month ago, she told me met this guy in the last week, and based on a statement she made, she is clearly using him to push me further away. It is the illness, I wish I thought it was something else I could just walk away. Clearly if she chooses to remain in this I will remain in putting up my boundary and I will work to move on. If at any point she is willing to accept all of this and she wants to come back, then I'll have to make a decision about where I am at. I just hate that as I do that she has expressed some issues of feeling abandoned, which is the last thing I want to show her, because I wouldn't abandon her through this, but she has to be true to me. She keeps making outward reaches in her own way, which makes it hard to figure out. It makes all the sense in the world and at the same time it makes zero sense. Thank everyone for their words so far, it is very helpful.

 

[Lola]

I wouldn't abandon her through this, but she has to be true to me.

There's a difference between abandonment and space. Abandonment means that you no longer care for her and that regardless of her actions you would not have her in your life again.
Space means that she needs to understand the boundaries, believe that they are right, and accept them. If it takes time for her to do that, then you'll wait.

 

[cyanide]

She might be re-enacting the abuse cycle, by getting herself into a dangerous situation. She sees you as a stable centre, but she's not in control and thus feels the "need" to do self-destructive things because she feels unworthy. I'm really sorry. There's nothing you can do, except she needs to see this herself and to get help on her own.

It really sucks because from a humanistic point of view, it's just so hard to leave because you know she's suffering. From a realistic point of view, she is abusing your trust in her and you may be enabling her. By leaving her, she might come to a realization of what she has lost, and may reach out. She may realize this soon or it maybe a long time before she does. Either way, it's up to you to endure this, or to move on.

It's so difficult.

 

[pegasus]

Yep, I agree. She reached out to me again tonight for help. She's clearly struggling, I want to help her with the struggle, but perhaps I need to let her get there on her own. Just hard. Thanks Cyanide it helps to hear that I'm not the only person going through this, I know I'm not, it's still just nice to hear it.

 

[cyanide]

The exception being if she's reaching out for help, then do help her! It's when she's not asking for help and pushing you away is when you cannot help her.

 

[pegasus]

It's hard to tell, the help she has reached out for is all around the main issue but it's not the issue. I don't want her finding reasons to contact me just so she can hold onto me while this other person is around, thats my boundary issue. So do I think she's reaching for help, yes, just not outwardly yet and it makes it confusing.