Relationship I reached out, after 2 months

[LovingH]

BG for those who missed it: dated a great guy for 6 months. Fell deeply in love. He said he loved me too. He had past trauma he was in therapy for--abusive ex who killed herself on his birthday after they broke up.

After the typical "honeymoon" period, he got cold and distant. After a week of that, I ended up breaking up w him impulsively, when he went incommunicado on me, reading yet ignoring my IMs and txt msgs while out of town. I was totally triggered by my past experiences, where guys were cheating on me so they ignored my msgs.

I regretted it. We met up. Things went well. I was hopeful. We tried seeing each other, starting as friends at first. 2nd date, he broke down on me. Cried. Brought up his ex. Projected a lot of stuff from his ex onto me.

Got cold again. I finally asked if we should move on, or wait for him to work some things out. He told me we should move on. But from what he said, it sounded like he was doing it to spare me, and that wasn't what I wanted.

it's been 2 months since that date. Haven't seen him, but we did have IMs. But there's been no contact for over a month now.

My birthday is coming up next week. I sent him an email a few days ago. Very simple. Just telling him all the things I miss about him and that I think of him every day. And all I want for my birthday is to see him. No expectations, just to see him.

I haven't heard back but am preparing myself in case I get nothing from him by the time of my birthday.

If my birthday passes with still no response, I then feel I can move on.

Sadly, though. :( I am still heartbroken.

 

[blackemerald1]

I think you've given him lots of opportunity to reconnect and in a way that he is comfortable with. If he doesn't I really don't believe it is any reflection on your character.

He's got to want to be in the relationship and you've got a say too in what that relationship looks like and how it works. It's not all about him.

I hope you find someone who can meet you halfway next time.

 

[LovingH]

Thank you!

 

[SweetPainfulLoving]

I understand the pain you are in LovingH. And I understand the overwhelming urge to reconnect. Just remember you deserve more than breadcrumbs.
The torture of not feeling safe in my past relationships still haunts me. And by 'safe' I mean emotionally not physically.

Come here. Go away. Come here. Go away.
I love you. I hate you. I love you. I hate you.
I want to be with you forever. You are my soulmate.
I can't stand to be near you. Now I have found someone else.

Everyone deserves love, but what kind of love do YOU want to have? Write it down. Think about it.
If he messages you tell him want you want, what you need and what your expectations are. And be prepared to walk away IF he can't make you feel loved and safe....ALL of the time.

Stay strong.

Peace

 

[EveHarrington]

My advice?

Plan your birthday to the fullest. Make plans to see friends and family, or just have a fabulous day to yourself. Don’t wait around for him to show up, because if he doesn’t, it will hurt even more.

 

[Hojay]

I feel you. This limbo is excruciating, I know. When PTSD is an issue, and especially when the hot-cold push-pull dynamic went on for a little while, it’s confusing and painful to have to realize that there might not be another pull to follow up the last push. It’s good you reached out, regardless of his response. No matter what happens it’ll be another step towards understanding and healing.

It’s always more difficult when you were broken up with to see the relationship in terms of what YOU want and what YOU need, and whether or not this person and relationship was even up to YOUR standards. Then follow weeks and months where you’re heartbroken and longing for a relationship which, while it was still going on, wasn’t even entirely up to snuff to begin with.

That’s why I’d urge you to remember that this...

After the typical "honeymoon" period, he got cold and distant. After a week of that, I ended up breaking up w him impulsively, when he went incommunicado on me, reading yet ignoring my IMs and txt msgs while out of town. I was totally triggered by my past experiences, where guys were cheating on me so they ignored my msgs.

...also happened. While you’re framing it in terms of regretting your impulsive breakup, I’d actually say you weren’t entirely off track seeing his behavior as unacceptable and even breakup-worthy here. Sure, maybe a convo would have been a good next step, but would that have changed anything in terms of him reverting to ignoring your messages etc whenever he’s stressed or whatnot? Maybe, but doubtful. Don’t trick yourself in hindsight into thinking you’d have accepted that eventually or that YOU were the problem and you were too triggered by past experiences. Objectively speaking, he wasn’t acting in line with what a mutual relationship entails and you knew it.

This is a long way of saying, don’t revise history. Live in the reality of what he had to offer while you were together and don’t regret your actions in response to that. It’s easy to think the reasons for them breaking up must be because we failed. Most likely, that isn’t the case. More often, we are/were acting line with our own self-respect and values and that didn’t go over so well.

 

[SweetPainfulLoving]

‘Do not revise history’ and ‘live in the reality’ of what is/has happened.
Hojay, you are so right on.

I am reading this thread and currently giving myself a lecture, because it is my ex’s birthday today and I am ruminating and wondering why it seems so easy to listen to someone else’s situation, and clearly see that they are not being treated the way we would want them to be treated, but not see it when it is happening to us. Or maybe that is the denial/rationalization/excuses thing that we do.

When it comes to your own relationship, it seems like such a Herculean task to be able to walk away. To let go. Certainly letting go without regrets or expending valuable energy wishing that things had been different: Maybe the lack of closure, which seems to be a relatively consistent problem in these push-pull/PTSD/PD relationships, doesn’t help. The intense ‘connection’ we have felt intermittently in the (distant) past when things were ‘good’. My mind goes over and over and over again, what was healthy about the relationship (and when I break it down it isn’t much), then I ask myself ‘where did it go wrong’ and then ‘what could I have done differently’, and then ‘what is his relationship like with the new woman (it will be at its best honeymoon stage)’, and then, finally, I try and focus on all the problems. The anger/devaluing/disappearing/etc. to try and remind myself why I shouldn’t care and need to move on.

I think that’s one of the most powerful things about this site though. I can see myself and I can see my relationship(s) in everyone else’s....to one extent or another. And I can see what’s not right. It validates what I went through and it helps clear the cobwebs a bit. I just want to move on but I get stuck sometimes, like today, and I can’t seem to escape it, no matter what I tell myself. It can be all consuming and exhausting.

So, thank you for posting.
Thank you for sharing.

If we just gave ourselves a fraction of the love and empathy that we have given our partners we would be so much better off.

 

[anon1234]

Hi there. I am so sorry about you are going through. I went through a bit of your back story. It’s fair to say there seems to be a lot of hurt on both sides and I’m sorry things have ended out this way.

I have stuck by my guy but we have been together years, never broke up with each other, there has never been infidelity, no drugs, no violence, no anger. And you know what? It’s hard. It’s really really hard, even when you have what seems like everything going your way. Isolation, periods of disconnection, these are common for us, even when we are as compatible as a couple can be. We cannot beat some of the moments of crisis and dissociation. I had a birthday recently and just hung out with my friends. Didn’t want to make him feel the guilt of not being around.

I am ok with this. I have made my peace and know the things I am sacrificing for this relationship but I won’t deny there are days when I get angry about the situation I have fallen into.

My advice to you is to live your life in the moment. He may come back, he may not. At this time you’ve done all you can. As others have said, it’s a two way street. For me - I’ve learned that I can’t stress about things I can’t change - I used to but it can be an energy drain. Imagine if the worst case scenario never happens but you used up all your energy stressing, just in case!

Every situation is different. Some people here may have different types of relationships but yours is yours alone and advice about the relationship can only go so far. However, from my experience, the best advice I ever received here was to look after myself. Put on my oxygen mask first. Practice gratitude for the good things in my life. Try to live in the moment. The rest will work itself out, if you just let it and don’t force it.

I wish you a happy birthday and all the best for your situation. I’m sorry you are going through this and know the pain all too well. You deserve the best in life and a relationship where you are happy. Hugs.

 

[LovingH]

Maybe the lack of closure, which seems to be a relatively consistent problem in these push-pull/PTSD/PD relationships, doesn’t help. The intense ‘connection’ we have felt intermittently in the (distant) past when things were ‘good’. My mind goes over and over and over again, what was healthy about the relationship (and when I break it down it isn’t much), then I ask myself ‘where did it go wrong’ and then ‘what could I have done differently’...

YUP.

It's been 2 months since I've seen him and I am still doing this.

I still haven't heard a peep from him, and I just don't understand it. I thought I meant more to him than this.

Meanwhile, I've been chatting w another guy..this is a guy a friend met over the weekend, and she thought we'd get along. So..it's kind of a set up. I don't mind though. I'm enjoying talking to him. I had already decided, if my ex doesn't hit me up before my birthday, I'm moving on. I can't torture myself like this anymore.

 

[LovingH]

Hi there. I am so sorry about you are going through. I went through a bit of your back story. It’s fair to say there seems to be a lot of hurt on both sides and I’m sorry things have ended out this way.

I have stuck by my guy but we have been together years, never broke up with each other, there has never been infidelity, no drugs, no violence, no anger. And you know what? It’s hard. It’s really really hard, even when you have what seems like everything going your way. Isolation, periods of disconnection, these are common for us, even when we are as compatible as a couple can be. We cannot beat some of the moments of crisis and dissociation. I had a birthday recently and just hung out with my friends. Didn’t want to make him feel the guilt of not being around.

I am ok with this. I have made my peace and know the things I am sacrificing for this relationship but I won’t deny there are days when I get angry about the situation I have fallen into.

My advice to you is to live your life in the moment. He may come back, he may not. At this time you’ve done all you can. As others have said, it’s a two way street. For me - I’ve learned that I can’t stress about things I can’t change - I used to but it can be an energy drain. Imagine if the worst case scenario never happens but you used up all your energy stressing, just in case!

Every situation is different. Some people here may have different types of relationships but yours is yours alone and advice about the relationship can only go so far. However, from my experience, the best advice I ever received here was to look after myself. Put on my oxygen mask first. Practice gratitude for the good things in my life. Try to live in the moment. The rest will work itself out, if you just let it and don’t force it.

I wish you a happy birthday and all the best for your situation. I’m sorry you are going through this and know the pain all too well. You deserve the best in life and a relationship where you are happy. Hugs.

Thank you so much. I really didn't want to make plans for my birthday, in case he came around. But you guys convinced me to. :) Thanks for all the support.

Wanna know a funny thing? I never met his dad, although he had told me his parents were supportive of our relationship. His dad friended me on Facebook before we broke up. I just kept him as a friend. Not sure why. Even though I blocked my ex.

Well, I did one of those FB fundraisers for a charity I believe in, for my birthday, and his dad chipped in $60. I thought that was really nice of him, considering he doesn't know me, and I'm broken up with his son.

 

[EveHarrington]

If he’s isolating, his dad may not even know that you two are broken up.

 

[LovingH]

No, he knows. The time that I met up w my ex to try to work things out, post breakup, he said his parents had talked about me coming for dinner. So he told them "well now we're breaking up." And apparently they said, bring her anyway.

They seemed very positive about our relationship. That was another reason why I had such high hopes we could work things out, cuz my ex told me all this stuff about how supportive his family was.