Relationship I reached out, after 2 months

[Justmehere]

Breakups hurt, even in the best of circumstances, and wanting clarity makes a lot of sense. I’m sorry he didn’t provide that for you and is caught up in his own stuff.

There are times in life where many of us want to know “why?”Sometimes those questions can’t be or won’t be answered. When I run into that kind of situation, I try to change the “why” questions into “what do I do next?”

Btw, Happy Birthday!!!

 

[LovingH]

Ouchhh? My heart goes out to you in a big way! And please don’t make the mistake I have made, when my guy told me something similar to this...don’t contact him....don’t try and fight for him. It will only cause you more pain. Having been on this Forum for only a week or so, has taught me so much... reading your story and similar ones...has pulled the wool from my eyes...shown me, that even though our sufferers love us (they may deny it to push us aside) it is not enough.

As supporters, we have no way of reading our sufferer’s mind...we don’t know if they are acting out of pure PTSD when they push us aside. If we tell our story to friends who don’t know anything about PTSD, they will mostly likely conclude; “he is a dog...run for it...he is using you”. And that hurts, because even though they have no idea, what they are talking about (how could they have) they still leave us with doubt...could they be right? Is he just using me? Has this nothing to do with his PTSD? Have I been blind? Should I run...should I stay?
I chose to believe, that they love us...that we cannot love PTSD out of them, that our love may even be “bad” for them, in the sense that some sufferers are not well enough to receive our love...they want to....but it simply adds to their stress level/sense of guilt not being able to function “in a normal relationship”...makes them feel inadequate.
So, my dear, it is time to let go of the dream....however hurtfull it may be ? and easier said that done. My best advice to you, is to keep reading people’s stories on this Forum...stories similar to yours...that is a wake up call....a reality check, if there ever was one.

What you said about talking to friends is sooo true.

Talking to friends does not help.

I wish I had found this forum earlier.

 

[LovingH]

Breakups hurt, even in the best of circumstances, and wanting clarity makes a lot of sense. I’m sorry he didn’t provide that for you and is caught up in his own stuff.

There are times in life where many of us want to know “why?”Sometimes those questions can’t be or won’t be answered. When I run into that kind of situation, I try to change the “why” questions into “what do I do next?”

Btw, Happy Birthday!!!

I also thought us talking about what happened could lead to some clarity on trying again but clearly he has put me out of his mind and wants nothing more to do with me.

Thank you for the birthday wishes!

 

[LovingH]

I woke up this morning and realized he is basically a child, and you can't have an adult relationship with a child. And that has nothing to do with his PTSD. But the fact he is always talking about "there doesn't have to be a villain"..he's obsessed with thinking any criticism or analysis into his behavior makes him a "villain." He will never have a functional adult relationship until he grows up.

 

[siniang]

I wish I had found this forum earlier.

I really truly feel sorry for him, I just too well know how much this hurts. But please....don't blame his PTSD for this. This seems like an easy excuse for his behavior and decision, while it really might not be the case.

I know a lot of your questions, thoughts and feelings because I did have the exact same. I know a lot of the other side's behaviors and comments, because they were the same - again, from someone who does not have PTSD.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but this really just sounds like a "normal" break up. As hard a pill to swallow as this is.

Right now it feels a little bit like your clinging on to the "lifeline" for a possible relationship that is his PTSD. You're thinking - feeling, really - that if it wasn't for his PTSD, you two would still be together. And if only he would see this, see that it's only his PTSD talking, you'b be together again. It's your hope and I know very well how much hope, any hint of hope, of a continuation of a relationship after a breakup can keep one afloat, keep one going.

I do emphasize with you and I perfectly know you don't want to hear and accept any of this at this point. But please be careful to keep blaming his PTSD and be careful to keep analyzing him. Your posts about him are borderline belittling and heteronomous (you know what his problem is, you know what he needs to understand/change, you know he needs to "grow up" ... ) ....but - and again, I know this from experience, I think this is just part of the whole acceptance process for you and that at the moment you >need< to do this, for your own good.

 

[LovingH]

I really truly feel sorry for him, I just too well know how much this hurts. But please....don't blame his PTSD for this. This seems like an easy excuse for his behavior and decision, while it really might not be the case.

I know a lot of your questions, thoughts and feelings because I did have the exact same. I know a lot of the other side's behaviors and comments, because they were the same - again, from someone who does not have PTSD.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but this really just sounds like a "normal" break up. As hard a pill to swallow as this is.

Right now it feels a little bit like your clinging on to the "lifeline" for a possible relationship that is his PTSD. You're thinking - feeling, really - that if it wasn't for his PTSD, you two would still be together. And if only he would see this, see that it's only his PTSD talking, you'b be together again. It's your hope and I know very well how much hope, any hint of hope, of a continuation of a relationship after a breakup can keep one afloat, keep one going.

I do emphasize with you and I perfectly know you don't want to hear and accept any of this at this point. But please be careful to keep blaming his PTSD and be careful to keep analyzing him. Your posts about him are borderline belittling and heteronomous (you know what his problem is, you know what he needs to understand/change, you know he needs to "grow up" ... ) ....but - and again, I know this from experience, I think this is just part of the whole acceptance process for you and that at the moment you >need< to do this, for your own good.

Thinking about when our problems started though, I can't help but think it goes back to his trauma. Because initially, he was petrified of talking about problems he had with the relationship, due to his past experiences with his ex.

I do think his prior relationship has made him deathly afraid of getting too serious with anyone. And I base that on many many years and many relationships..way more experience than he has had.

And because I've done the same.

So yes, I do still think it's PTSD, because he was triggered initially, and that's when we went from him being as close to me as anyone could get to..distancing himself and being cold.

Also, he totally projected his ex onto me. He asked me if I was going to kill myself if our relationship didn't work out. That's pretty obvious projection.

And I think he sabotaged this relationship out of fear.

His inability to see any of this is because of his emotional immaturity. He would rather put his fingers in his ears and go "la la la la", and shove everything under the carpet, than have to delve deeper into motivations and explain anything to me. He'd rather just say "OVER IT" and move on.

Which is why I didn't do what he wanted and say "I hope you find happiness." Happiness isn't something you FIND. It's something you create. And sometimes it requires work and deep introspection. That's why I say, he needs to grow up before he will realize this.

And yes, I did need to do this. I needed to reach out one last time. Because now it couldn't be more crystal clear that he simply isn't mature enough for a serious relationship, because he can't do the work or self-analysis one requires yet.

 

[LovingH]

So, I probably won't be on here as much...since this was my last shot with the ex, and he shut the door in my face. I guess that was to be expected. All I asked for was just to see him. I'm angry he wouldn't even let me have a face to face conversation.

Anyway, I'm done.

I'll pop back in if, by chance, he tries to come back in the picture at a later date..most of my exes have.

But it seems like people with PTSD usually stay gone.

If I run into him anywhere, I am just gonna ignore him. I don't think I can even be nice to him, at this point.