I Realize That I

[Deleted member 12723]

I realize that I do need so much help in therapy right now and cannot wait until my appointment. I am a mess. Being aware is half the battle so I am taking this mess to someone who will help me to begin to sort out everything in piles where I will be able to cope and manage better. I think I have hit rock bottom.

 

[moshpitmunkey]

I realize that I do not only socially isolate myself but I emotionally isolate myself as well and it's only hindering me.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hope you're feeling better @Anrish . :hug:

;I realize that even recognizing, then acknowledging or admitting I am not managing or coping is progress.

I realize that I don't feel very good admitting to myself I need accomodations, but it is the difference between being able or not.

I realize thinking of myself as 'mentally ill' does nothing for my self esteem.. which is potentially judgemental of other.. I stomach it easier thinking of Prince Harry or Winton Churchill. But I don't relate to pychosis or violence, and I wonder why being heart-worn out is 'crazy' vs inevitable for some, sometimes?

I realize my only conception of Heaven is an end to bad things.

I realize not allowing or not being able to think, precluded feelings sometimes, as per avoiding.

I realize I did much work on myself from about 20 up, as I felt it a necessary requirement to be a capable human, sister, daughter, person, and future spouse, that was my motivation. It did help a lot, and I grew, but never really dealt ith the ptsd. Symptom chasing.

I realize that sounds all negative above, but not meant to be.

I realize I'm probably anemic, because my veins show in my chest and even palms sometimes, and that doesn't help for lack of energy, or coping. I realize that my world has shrunk becaue of fear, avoiding doctors is one- the necessity of avoiding being greater than the possibility of help.

 

[Anrish]

@Junebug : Feeling a bit better but still not fit again. Thank you! :hug:

 

[Let It Be]

I found out today why I was so upset with the sales clerk yesterday. I realize that the news will make a change for me. It is something that I have always done and now I will have to hire it to be done.

I realize that it probably happened for a reason and now I have to get used to the idea. I am sure I will eventually realize that it is my best interest for self-care for me to make this change.

I realize that I have to accept that I am getting older and it is time for me to let go of this responsibility.

 

[user44376]

I realized how lost I was in an abyss of pessimism and misanthropy. After dealing with so much human filth for a decade it's going to be very hard to see humanity in a good light. It's a very exhausting and isolating feeling.

 

[Tinyflame]

I realize something I can't quite put words to - that these symptoms have reasons or some thing is lacking or rather causing it that isn't obvious to my mind. Such as, if happy endings aren't a possible thought, naturally I can't (shouldn't) envision any future, which makes the present difficult too, but comes back to hope, but it is a self-feeding cycle, but also in reverse, and hope comes from safety, security, feeling there will be sufficient resources, and starts with forgiveness, honesty, starting over, acceptance, etc.

I would say it's not as much the thoughts at any given minute of each day as the unrecognized +/ or unpsoken thoughts/ belief/ conclusions, heart-wise.

I didn't understand that ptsd would be the fight of a lifetime.

 

[user44376]

I realize something I can't quite put words to - that these symptoms have reasons or some thing is lacki...

I feel this deep. It's as if what I manifest on a daily basis to others and even myself is that cliched tip of the iceberg. Yes ok I have PTSD. today my hyperarosal is muted so I can go have coffee without sitting there like a clenched fist fixating on some annoying hipster in the cafe or ruminating on some old trauma. Or, I'm not even getting up today and can't stand sunlight anywhere near me. Ok fine that's the surface weather.

Meanwhile underneath there is another strata of much deeper thoughts, emotions and physical feelings that I've either normalized or given up on trying to figure out just how much they impact the surface. Some I don't have the skills to even recognize or name yet. I just feel their weight.

What do we focus on becomes the question?

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes! @AddHomnym , exactly! Didn't think that made sense!

Up to the better part of today, except for moments, I would have thought coping with or processing the past- or completely ignoring it. Now, for me, I can only say, to accept who I am, and try to develop internal hope through internal changes & what brings external hope.

I realized today, good as it is in general to 'have my bags packed', I don't think I've ever unpacked mine for long. And by that I mean, felt present within the moment or my own life, or connected or engaged or be able to trust things could be ok or to 'stay', not when my head's 'back there'.

I think it is vigilance, or just remnants of trauma, but I physically feel like I've been living out of a suitcase for years and years.

ETA- this is too funny, it's my anniversary of signing up here, I just got an alert, never would have recalled. :p Got my attention/ focus. :laugh::)

 

[Anrish]

I realize that I really needed a time out with no schedule.

 

[Tinyflame]

I realize I'm supposed to be brave and hopeful, but all I feel like is I give up. it is impossible. It is like trying to build a shelter from matchsticks.

 

[Let It Be]

I realize that I am experiencing some anxiety over a change I need to make. It is like it is there and has thrown me off-kilter and I know I just have to ride it out. Just don't like it!