I Realize That I

I realize that for some, I am a burden. Some say so, some 'show so'. I realize that trust is earned in small moments, including being aware or caring of what's important or needed for the other person, especially to stay afloat and especially if known. I do that for 95 year olds, or strangers, who are not my family- I won't say no sentiment but I will say no real connection, so it is real or it is absent. I realize lies always have a purpose; to avoid, to get someone to get lost, for other plans. Whatever. In this case I get the message. I realize I'd just prefer the message, as lies make everything circumspect. I realize even with zero sentiment without trust there is really nothing. I realize when I was inclined to leave over 10 years ago it would have been the right choice. I obviously didn't trust my own brain enough.

I guess I had to vent to make it clear to myself. I am sorry for venting. I thought, how funny, could have been a nice surprise but instead was a sh*t start to the day. I don't need any more reminders of my zero worth either, that's worse than nothing. But nothing to trust is nothing anyway.
 
I realize I don't trust my judgement because being wrong hurt me. I realize when I don't trust my judgement it makes it hard to have faith in others, whether they deserve it or not. That is part of what frightens me.

I saw, recently, what showed me I think evil breeds evil.

I also saw recently people after being called to task (serious issue) then act in ways that astonished me that they had such masks perfected. I guess because I hide my sadness or fear but I engage with others, though I know it's there. I mean people think I don't have the capacity to be depressed and my life is stress-free, but I still hear all they say and empathize and worry for them and their needs (truly), etc. And am not trying to manipulate them. But they just acted like different people who weren't actually aware of anyone else, but much charm. It was like- to the point of deceit/ a totally different person, Idk how to describe it. An act I guess, vs a mask. I mean, it is different for me, I don't mean I am better, it's just- wholly different. I still see others' vulnerability equal to my own, I think most times. Though I am sure I miss a lot/ distracted. But- Idk? It really made me realize (because it was many people, and all of them) how a person could seem one way and actually be a totally different person/ mindset. Like one of my sisters, it actually reminds me. I would be totally suckered in. That makes me feel, kind of like an oddball in this world. I don't think I am strong enough, or smart enough, or just 'whatever' enough to be desensitized enough to hold my own with most people, let alone defend myself.

I also think I feel (unrelated) for me apathy or indifference is a choice I am responsible to make. It's when things don't bother me anymore that is probably a worse sign than when they do.
 
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I have kept most of my thoughts to myself my life, as sharing them rarely was helpful or acknowledged. Now I don't even know if I have feelings, maybe too much water under the bridge. I've never had the guts, or sometimes opportunity, though perhaps I wouldn't take it anyway, to say goodbye, except for vacations/temporary, or perhaps there was no need as it was obvious to all concerned, or I just let it go that way and they did too. So I suppose they had no feelings or motivation either. I only did once to a friend who knew she was dying who (she) said, "I guess this is goodbye".
 
We usually have a whole helluva lotta warning when the air shows are running. Weeks and weeks of Tigermoths, biplanes, belly landing cargo planes that haven’t been seen since Zeppelins flew -as well as rhe occasional zeppelin- and other ‘classics’ practicing their shows, in quiet out of the way airspace, all leading up to more modern military aircraft streaking by.

There haven’t been any air shows since Covid.

And we didn’t have any warning, when 4 fast movers, in tight formation screamed by over head, just this side of the sound barrier, then broke apart to do strafing runs. Well. Drills.

TheKiddo leaps outside with the first screaming engines, and then wild eyes at the high pitched wailing of planes dropping suddenly from altitude. Hey, my gut did exactly that, I just go rather deadpan when I’m actually alarmed. So I had him do, what I did.

“Look over there.” I said, pointing to the piece of airspace that’s usually 3-8 planes deep incoming for approach to the airport. 24/7/365

“Nothing. Oh. This was planned. Air traffic control has cleared the airspace.”

“Yep.”

“Cool.”

& TheKiddo goes back inside, whilst the fighter jets, done with their ‘strafing’ now show off their dogfighting.

I realize I might not have much knowledge to kick, but? I still have some.

And it’s still smarter to show someone else HOW to fish (check the airspace) and draw their own conclusions, than to just give them the answers.
 
I realize that I like the smell of diesel exhaust. Was walking pup this morning and a mail truck drove by with that smell and I was transported back to junior high when I went on class trips and we went on bus tours. It was so thrilling to be away from my family, surrounded by my peers and teachers (safe people), standing in front of a hotel we just stayed the night at, waiting to board a big chartered bus in the cool morning air of a foreign city.
 

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