I Realize That I

I'm not sure I realize, but I think, it might be the same reducing fear in adults as children? Not that all adults are childlike, but perhaps it's the same for fear? Idk, but maybe that's part of the secret sauce. Especially when ptsd involves so much with stress/ stressors/ reliving/ the stress cup, etc. Idk but I realize it's something I never considered. Unless it does involve a childlike component, Idk.
I realize that my extreme rage and anger is telling me something. Its all the fury and anger at the disrespect/ignoring my boundaries, emotional needs or that i even exist as a person.
And while it is extreme, the message is loud and clear : i have had enough of this, of having my life sacrificed for other people's comfort, psychological problems. I have had enough of being used, craped on, insulted, etc my life has tremendous value, what i yearn, YEARN, to do in my life has tremendous value, and i will not, and cannot allow others to f*ck that up ever again. No more
I cannot keep letting the fourth lousy thing to affect me more than the third lousy thing in a single day does. And I definitely can't let it escalate to a fifth level or beyond. Four gives me a headache, makes my jaw sore from clenching and gets my muscles going in a giant adrenaline spasm. seven might kill me or stroke me out. ten and I might quite simply just be dead. I have a right to stop the lousy things. But it is far better to be able to hit reset after thing two, so three is just one all over again.

I realize I need to be able to hit reset if I am going to live in a place where lousy things happen and work in a place where lousy things are pretty much required.
i realize something big, people needn't care and yet still be trustworthy. Doesn't take away from anything they've done, or mean they're not good people. It just means that my needs aren't on their radar, or they're not important, and that's ok. I realize this as something big I was bothered by a long time ago I was reminded of, and I thought let it go- it's stupid- but it makes me feel leery to trust if I remember it and I never did know why it occurred that I recall, and it had to do with the importance for me of avoiding something at a hard time of year as is. Which I don't expect anyone to get, why would they. But the not-getting avoiding, vs just something good falling through is always worse for me, so now I know why it felt as it did And needs, vs wants, are more important but even that is secondary (to avoiding what I feel I need to, which is knowing my limitations). It is actually very nice to know, the trust part is actually unrelated, and also to predict the other part, that is have my own back up plan just in case, that's on me. That is nice to know. It's my operating glitch too, no one else's fault or responsibility, including my feelings. (I think I would fit in good on The Island of Misfit Toys! 😊 )
I realize I am very grateful to not be called a burden. But I realize I am misunderstood. I don't go to effort for my happiness, I go to effort for my survival. I am happy if I overcome fear(s), about as happy as anyone feels going to therapy of sorts, and it is despite being unwelcome. Though some people are welcoming and some the opposite. I realize there's the life others see and think I feel, and then there's the parallel life I live and struggle with that they probably likely don't understand or imagine, and God knows I would never share with someone who already dislikes me though I can't recall hurting anyone that I'm aware. But I wish someone understood. I heard some man on tv say, tying to ask for help and then to not get it leaves one feeling profoundly alone, more alone than not asking. I don't need to ask for help, but it feels lonely to be an outsider, and realize not understood after so much time and water under the bridge. Perhaps I got it all wrong and it doesn't matter if I put in effort, but just focus on the important part of what I need to survive alone, I did it before. I simply kept it to myself and used distractions of work and relationships without disclosure. It is difficult for me with stress, abuse, worries and fear(s), and I realize a sanctuary or reprieve needn't have people or words.
I realize that I guess I don't communicate well. Well I knew that, but I guess I don't articulate things well either. I actually feel better, as it might explain a lot. It is a very different thing to have happiness thwarted than feel a mallet on fingertips hanging on to a cliff. And of course thats just hyperbole, more like a hammer. I also think maybe it's all been just petty of me, that it's making too much of sufferings that aren't really that bad, everybody suffers.