I Realize That I

I'm not sure I realize, but I think, it might be the same reducing fear in adults as children? Not that all adults are childlike, but perhaps it's the same for fear? Idk, but maybe that's part of the secret sauce. Especially when ptsd involves so much with stress/ stressors/ reliving/ the stress cup, etc. Idk but I realize it's something I never considered. Unless it does involve a childlike component, Idk.
I realize that my extreme rage and anger is telling me something. Its all the fury and anger at the disrespect/ignoring my boundaries, emotional needs or that i even exist as a person.
And while it is extreme, the message is loud and clear : i have had enough of this, of having my life sacrificed for other people's comfort, psychological problems. I have had enough of being used, craped on, insulted, etc my life has tremendous value, what i yearn, YEARN, to do in my life has tremendous value, and i will not, and cannot allow others to f*ck that up ever again. No more
I cannot keep letting the fourth lousy thing to affect me more than the third lousy thing in a single day does. And I definitely can't let it escalate to a fifth level or beyond. Four gives me a headache, makes my jaw sore from clenching and gets my muscles going in a giant adrenaline spasm. seven might kill me or stroke me out. ten and I might quite simply just be dead. I have a right to stop the lousy things. But it is far better to be able to hit reset after thing two, so three is just one all over again.

I realize I need to be able to hit reset if I am going to live in a place where lousy things happen and work in a place where lousy things are pretty much required.
i realize something big, people needn't care and yet still be trustworthy. Doesn't take away from anything they've done, or mean they're not good people. It just means that my needs aren't on their radar, or they're not important, and that's ok. I realize this as something big I was bothered by a long time ago I was reminded of, and I thought let it go- it's stupid- but it makes me feel leery to trust if I remember it and I never did know why it occurred that I recall, and it had to do with the importance for me of avoiding something at a hard time of year as is. Which I don't expect anyone to get, why would they. But the not-getting avoiding, vs just something good falling through is always worse for me, so now I know why it felt as it did And needs, vs wants, are more important but even that is secondary (to avoiding what I feel I need to, which is knowing my limitations). It is actually very nice to know, the trust part is actually unrelated, and also to predict the other part, that is have my own back up plan just in case, that's on me. That is nice to know. It's my operating glitch too, no one else's fault or responsibility, including my feelings. (I think I would fit in good on The Island of Misfit Toys! 😊 )
I realize I am very grateful to not be called a burden. But I realize I am misunderstood. I don't go to effort for my happiness, I go to effort for my survival. I am happy if I overcome fear(s), about as happy as anyone feels going to therapy of sorts, and it is despite being unwelcome. Though some people are welcoming and some the opposite. I realize there's the life others see and think I feel, and then there's the parallel life I live and struggle with that they probably likely don't understand or imagine, and God knows I would never share with someone who already dislikes me though I can't recall hurting anyone that I'm aware. But I wish someone understood. I heard some man on tv say, tying to ask for help and then to not get it leaves one feeling profoundly alone, more alone than not asking. I don't need to ask for help, but it feels lonely to be an outsider, and realize not understood after so much time and water under the bridge. Perhaps I got it all wrong and it doesn't matter if I put in effort, but just focus on the important part of what I need to survive alone, I did it before. I simply kept it to myself and used distractions of work and relationships without disclosure. It is difficult for me with stress, abuse, worries and fear(s), and I realize a sanctuary or reprieve needn't have people or words.
I realize that I guess I don't communicate well. Well I knew that, but I guess I don't articulate things well either. I actually feel better, as it might explain a lot. It is a very different thing to have happiness thwarted than feel a mallet on fingertips hanging on to a cliff. And of course thats just hyperbole, more like a hammer. I also think maybe it's all been just petty of me, that it's making too much of sufferings that aren't really that bad, everybody suffers.
I just wanted to get this down: I realize my life has been nothing like many, and that I had to/ chose to give up opportunities others take for granted. But today I realized, like having longer/ more eyelashes (lol) because of a genetic disorder (almost everyone I meet is wearing fakes, including my clerk and my Boss and my co workers), there can be an upside to downsides. I always thought I'd like to try fakes once but am allergic to latex and have sensitive skin because of the genetic issue lol. Also I know stress seems to make them grow and my hair fall out, and chemo could knock everything off in an instant, and so it goes. -Life. Ridiculous as this sounds, and that is how my mind works, I was thinking of/ dreading getting through Thanksgiving without family more or less but surrounded by 'normies' who never consider it could be otherwise. And then I realized, just as before I wouldn't date widowers with kids, did not want especially to cause any upset or let down kids if they attached, now I realize I can understand more than the average person my age. Compared to some I don't need the same time or lessons (because I've had them) on grief, struggles, sacrifice, loss, commitment, fidelity, promises, being without help, fear, despair, etc, , and also dreams and safety and peace and support, if that makes sense. And in such a case, even not having family, one would have one (if it worked out and they choose in such a situation by not running away from it; not ever expected but no less real). And I don't need the same amount of 'other' experiences to recognize stuff in or with others, I simply had enough experiences already. It's like I've gone through that experience or that stage. I always wondered why too it worked out so incredibly well caring for end of life situations with people I just or barely met, right from my 1st days on the job. For them and their family. Now I get it. Or why people always tell me I'm different (meaning in a good way, though I'm sure probably many think also otherwise lol), or where did I come from? (Not meaning the city of birth when I tell them). Also why given the choice I have no time or interest in what seems contrived or manipulated, or makes me feel lousy or is discrediting, to myself or others. It's like an allergy but likely more triggers and awareness.

Similarly, I have agency if I choose it. When something is a trigger or hurts me, unless I truly can't, I can get up and walk away. No one has to understand, and there is no hard feelings/ nothing personal. But I don't have to Grin And Bear It. Doesn't matter if 99/100 would feel otherwise.

And I also realize it's important to stick with the 1/100 persons (x100) who do understand.

Yikes I hope that makes sense, am hurrying. I'm not sure it's good, nor is it necessarily always bad (though hard for me to not see myself as profoundly flawed or damaged). It just is different. It just 'is'.
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I also realize I am thankful everyone I have seen die or been around looked and was peaceful, except for my dad's eyes and the blood from his nose from what the person did that caused near immediate heart failure. Needless to say I guess I know why nosebleeds in otpphers bother and frighten me I guess!
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I realize I guess it always mattered more to me to understand, or have enough context to understand. Or to understand the motivation/ reasons behind others' words or actions.

I realize I am not a person who has a lot of energy left to fight, compete or present in ways most people take for granted. Actually, it never appealed to me at any time. (Except competing for fun.) I do not know what I'm seeking, but it never involved that.

I realize I feel like I don't belong anywhere, really, I guess.

I realize for all people the normal we know is the only normal we know, we don't know what other people's 'normal' feels like, our 'normal' is normal for each of us.