I Realize That I

I realize that for a full decade, I've been afraid that if I give myself 100% to a task or a project it might break me beyond return.

I've procrastinated on the big things I want no matter the consequences because I thought if I do this again, this time it might kill me.

Because when I was traumatized, I was in denial and put all that was left of me into work and surviving until I can leave and be normal again. And it broke me in so many pieces I wasn't sure I'd get those parts back- but it was the trauma that broke me, not putting effort in things.
.....will probably die in twenty years or maybe 25. ( I am 70 this year...still cute!)
So I do think "f*ck it" and "f*ck them" a whole lot more often and more naturally than I ever have.
It's great. Getting older is great, especially when you're still cute.
I get my new set of breast implants in 10 days.
70 soon with great tits, meds that work for me and not one Narcissist or Borderline in my life.
I still get triggered with nightmares and bedwetting involved, but I know how to ride it out and keep it short now.
Life is good. Finally good!
.......PTSD developed at 50. Malignant Narcissist mother, sexual abuse by brother, 2 narcissist siblings, lost my son at 20 to a lung disease. A good marriage now, a dog, a cat & no assholes.
I'm a little leary to write this, as I know about myself I have many thoughts, though that is ok. I might change my mind but I dont think so. But I think I understand today perhaps life is not about just solving problems asap, but more to be lived than endured. If I hadn't gone through the stuff I did, I perhaps wouldn't have to learn forgiveness for others- or myself. I perhaps would rely on only myself more than something or someone greater. I would not have support, or allow anyone to support me. Or flaws- I have many. But perhaps without I would have less humility or less understanding. Those kind of things. Perhaps it actually is what life is about, going by what life deals us uniquely.
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One thing I realize is that I always (mostly) kept quiet to not add to stuff going on, or add hurt or grief to whatever else was going on. I hope today I didn't hurt my friendship, or my friend either, because it's hard on people to hear gross stuff, even on the news, but the words are out and hopefully not. I am happy but I don't want to bring down anyone else to get there. I don't think it was always a bad thing to keep quiet, if I just hadn't done it almost always.
I realize that I felt very guilty and ashamed and mortified/ horrified because I realized I left my dad in the moment before he died (I mean under 3 or 4 minutes, I basically ran out but didn't run, I remember feeling totally out of it and horrifed at what just occurred, I don't think I could feel my feet). I realize (and it might be giving myself too much defense) I was probably in shock. It's hard to give myself that break, but I chose it yesterday despite myself when I realized. Still ashamed, but something different. It was what it was, which is why it is or became what it did. But clearing the slate last week made the difference, because that encompasses it as well. Is how it feels/ felt. So I referenced a different point of forgiveness, and support instead.
I realize I remember what I read better but not what I hear. I guess thats why hearing names, and trying to play music by ear was always so difficult. And I reverse phone numbers I hear but not what I see.
I realize I feel the way I do when I'm hit by it, not triggered but prompted, I guess, often by my own thoughts and feelings. I realize I don't feel entirely different about it when I'm not feeling down the same way, but it is there. Which acknowledges the hurt or sorrow, but I also realize it's not within context of anything that doesn't also include what isn't sad, or is happy. I also realize I'm on the fence with some regrets, as they aren't entirely, only when viewed with more rose-colored glasses. Not to mention I also wasn't ever really looking for the 'average norm'. I realize I was 'triggered' more by not being able to get Voltaren on my back/ shoulders on my own, my arms are only so long. (Though after the pity party I contemplated how do I solve this? Maybe a spatula? 🙄🙂 ) I realize(d) even then some times I was given much help. So that made me ashamed and grateful.