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I Realize That I

I don't have OCD but when I'm stressed, I keep rechecking if I've locked the door.
That my mental health has it's waves and tides and if I wait for the good moments to believe I am good enough to start a side business or share my thoughts in a blog, I may wait forever.
That I can be intensely passionate and determined once I make a decision, but wrapping my mind around the decision sometimes comes a bit slower.
stressed, I keep rechecking if I've locked
Every time I go out the door I check if my key is in my bag even if I just put it in there a minute ago! I did have a diagnosis of OCD but that was before the PTSD, so I don’t know if it’s still that? Anyway…

I realize that there are benefits to “just being friends” (with someone I’m attracted to) that I didn’t anticipate. There is a kind of freedom and a kind of dance that is work but has a payoff—which is greater sanity for me. It’s hard to talk about, but every time I interact with him and we don’t broach the subject of “liking each other” I go home with a happy anticipation rather than a painful longing.
I realize it might be different for others, but as much as it's right to be kind , trusting is something very different. I still have no issue being kind as possible to many, but I will trust very discriminately and carefully. Maybe for others it is different, bit I've got a feeling that's part of why there are so many problems later. It's rare to find people who really are and remain who they seem.

I also realized many troubles I've had are when others have kept insisting I change my boundary and I have relented.
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I also think I realize that, if a person has not had help, perhaps since a child, or does not have resources to call upon from one's self or others, then help that is offered can be valued in a way that may or may not reflect that the giver has more good qualities than might actually be the case. That is, being unaccustomed to asking for help, or even knowing 'how' to, when help is offered the person who gave it is viewed in a safer way than might be warranted. Like a person I know who did that- I felt thankful, a weight off my shoulders. But they turned out to have a very violent temper and did/ said a lot of questionable things. I think unless a person has lived without help since a child (in many ways) they can easily understand it. I have a hard time understanding it! But I think it influences it greatly. That, and loyalty to people you think have helped others you care about (whether they actually have or haven't.)

But yes, I am thinking I had a wonderful day, despite an awful start. And when not ~semi-tormented by negative thoughts or fears or self-recriminations, it was lovely and am thankful. Funny how negative reminders have such an impact, whether they were a week or 2 decades! I think my negative thoughts/ memories and emotions are more like a leash held by someone/ something else, whereas the positive ones are freeing and give me more strength and hope.
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I realise that I ….

Still rely on T more than I realised.

She is on compassionate leave and I said I was coping just fine and would do if she needed a staged return to work - I’m pottering on. Not making progress at tremendous speed but not slipping back - and stability is really a huge aim for me . Then I realise I am not as stable as I thought . Not ‘bad’ or a danger to myself or anything but suddenly over concerned with security and feeling myself become less contained and my window of tolerance being narrower.

I am choosing to see this as a good opportunity to test myself.

I also realise I am nervous to talk to T about my stuff while she is grieving. I know it’s her job but it still seems unfair.

So yeah - I realise I have some boundary work to attend to.
I realize I've always been cautious or hesitant about belonging or getting in the way (I guess learned as a child), but I realize I think it's the opposite, I have to be the one committed to showing up. Maybe worried about getting in the way is partially avoidance. That and not putting my own healing or self care 1st, 2nd or 3rd (not even 4th), on the list. Which also comes from a place of feeling I am taking, never giving (which feels more like being a burden).

I also self-sabotage but I also am usually faced with challenges. Which is probably something I've needed as one of the bigger obstacles is me.
Something occurred to me for the 1st time ever: not that it's anyone's fault to have ptsd (or anything else for that matter), but being ashamed of having it is optional.
I realise that...

I will never be 'normal' and that everyone else's life is not one I can cope with or need or even want.

I realise that...

I cannot be all things to all people, and I have to fix my own problems before I can even look at theirs. To put this into context, I was the family fixer, the one everyone called on when they needed something doing like arranging repairs, dealing with travel arrangements, hospital appointments etc. But I was also the one they yelled at if the repair person was running late, or if didn't have the part, or even if they needed so actually sort it out themselves. And I was the one they laughed at if I dared to complain about their treatment of me.

I now realise that this was their problem, not mine.