I Realize That I

I realize I stay busy not to feel. Not in a manic way, but in anavoidant way, as God knows there is always enough that needs doing. But I can physically work morning to or thru some of the night and not stop, not pause, not eat, rarely even vape, to not think but especially not feel. Oddly though I don't want even music on. I sure don't want to have to engage in talk.

I liked @Friday 's comment to another person about leaning in to one's strengths. I still feel it's (for me) about choosing to trust (choice), no matter whatever I feel (maleable, especially inevitably also tired on top of it). I also do better thinking of others. I think it was also nice when someone said to me years ago, "We'll get through this". Because it was my problem not theirs. And two times in the past when I was young/ teens/ early twenties I sort of heard that. But in different ways it can be a problem for more than just one person, though in different ways, even if one arguably has the lion's share. But it's nice when/if someone cares when they don't have to also. I'm not sure the words, strength or support, or not being alone. Maybe there is hope or strength in numbers, or at least quality/ sincerity vs quantity?
 
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I read something and it’s been swirling around. It was on this video, the top comment.
It says, “Some of us had difficult relationships with our fathers, but that doesn’t mean we loved them…”.
My brain stops there. But the quote actually continues, “Or they loved us any less.”

And my brain counters, “Some of us had difficult relationships with our fathers, and we learned that it’s okay not to love them.”

There is a small part of me that says, “You never know, feelings could change.” But the further away I get from life with him the safer I feel and the more confident I feel I can live my life independently.

I think part of this realization is that I tried so hard for decades to forgive and love him (for physically assaulting and being mean to us).. A full time job that I felt I earned. But that was before the big realization of what he had done to me when I was baby. So I’m challenged with whether I can forgive him for that. But somehow forgiving him for that feels like self betrayal.

So I realize that for some of us it’s okay to not love our fathers. Maybe more than okay. Imperative. The right thing to do.

ETA: I think it’s very important for me to note that “not love” does not connote any active negative emotion toward him. “Not love” is absence, neutral even.

And yet this realization, for me, is a delicate one that requires lots of self acceptance and self care to accompany it.
 
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I realize I fear being lied to. At least one ended in a death, 3x nearly ended in separate deaths. One other caused endless grief and problems. One caused years of terrible physical accommodation to the physical and mental breaking point. One other culminated in about 14 years of grieving, and a broken hear, and mistrusting relationships. One led to strife and violence, and SI, plus a self-concept or self-worth utterly destroyed. And sometimes I ended up lying in response. One was the beginning of other's actions that caused ptsd, likely in my dad's case also. I don't feel angry being lied to, l feel tremendously afraid. Giving the benefit of the doubt is what I try to do, or should do, but it leaves me feeling unsafe. What if I am wrong? The risk tolerance is offset by experiencing lived realities. Even a Veterinarian's lie resulted in taking over an hour to put our beloved dog to sleep, it was a nightmare. I feel sad and very afraid.
 
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I was dissociated AF at the 300+ fundraising lunch I just went to. Walked out doing little high fives to myself about surviving that (and without a dog beside me!)…got home and the first question I get asked about it I realise, ‘huh, who was it attended the damn lunch? And what did they eat…!?’

Oh well, still chalk it up as some kind of achievement!
 
I'm not sure what I feel or realize, except to write it out, the dog woke me up early to go out then stole my bed and pillow and I don't want to disturb her or I'd be in it. Started thinking of a lot of things, family. Words said yesterday, mostly to me, some I said to another, not necessarily angry on my part, though some were. Something I then shortly thereafter texted to a friend about this Christmas/ I cancelled my part in plans. And was reminded this morning a friend I trusted promised to keep in touch and never did, never did before leaving either so I guess I was foolish to believe those words, too. Thought maybe never even left?, but that sounds paranoid and infers even worse about them. I don't think so but wouldn't surprise me, either, tbh. It reveals to me I don't have the trust I thought I had, I guess rightfully so if words and actions don't seem to match. I was coming from a position of empathy, but that's usually when people who are just using it or you recognize it and just use it to their end goal, they say whatever they want to accomplish what they want, or avoid what they don't, or mislead or appear a certain way, or to avoid appearing a certain way all the while having no intention of otherwise. Was reminded of that yesterday with something someone else went through yesterday I heard the details of. I don't want to think about any of it as then I will feel based on perspective, which isn't necessarily true. And what does it matter anyway. Just another broken promise. I guess I thought they were different than others I've known.

But, in general, and more importantly I wonder what the point of any of this life or being born has been for? Idk the word for the feeling that comes along with that. I came along later, I wish they had been more mindful and used birth control. My mom thought she was in menopause already at 34. WTH was she thinking? I've been paying all my life for others' mistakes and then continuing with my own. Trying to find the good in people and circumstances and coming up empty. And now, both hurt and indifferent. Which my wiser self knew was how it would almost-assuredly be, but nope, I chose to give the benefit of the doubt so often. How dumb is that.
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Sorry for the yap. The dog has to move or I have to get moving. Contemplating nothing or reality is a waste of time.
 
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Thanks @Teasel . I know you are not.
Well I started deleting texts, photos etc., not a job of it as I had better things to do, but as they presented themselves. Getting rid of all of them. Was thinking too, now, with all that was said, etc, a Christmas tree has a horrible connotation for me. Not only do I not want one or miss it, I would actually pay to get it removed. You know how a deal breaker is.

Thank you sincerely @Teasel . For you. You and me. ☺️Maybe one day...💙 🫂:

 
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