I Realize That I

[Tinyflame]

Anyone can press a button, but they didn't create the button.
Without safety, there is nothing possible, there is no anchor. It is what it is, and has to be accepted as such. And no care, = no safety, either. Because we operate from response, not logic. And what isn't on the radar, isn't seen, cared for, addressed, protected, or considered, or valued.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I realize, with the help of a new talk therapist, that I am an awfulizer. I can take the best and most hopeful situation and flip it to the worst case "what if" scenario and explain in great detail multiple ways as to how/why/and even potentially when it will fail/backfire/bottom out/etc. in 0.3 seconds flat.

I know my default setting is to always be on high alert, on guard, and on the lookout for what could go wrong, which at times is incredibly helpful, but I didn't notice just how much that bleeds over into everything else. Holy shit I bet I drain the life out of some folks, self included. Grateful for the feedback to heighten my awareness of it. Now, to rewire those neural pathways and give my sympathetic nervous system a break, with any luck.

My former talk therapy option faded away due to her getting a job promotion, not leaving time for counseling sessions any longer. Boo. Hiss. But it sucked feeling like I was being put off and ignored when reaching out for appointments. I'm grateful to have found another lady who recently relocated and opened her practice a lot closer to me...and she doesn't use candles/air fresheners/scented laundry detergent/perfume/etc. Huge bonus. I was beginning to think online was going to be my best and only option.

 

[Lionheart]

I realize that I may never see my baby brother again. He is lost somewhere in the mental health care system and between his schizophrenia and the HIPPA laws, I may never get to see him ever again. I also realize that I have done the best I could to be a good brother, to show him unconditional love and acceptance.

I realize that I am beginning to grieve my relationship with my brother all over again. I have done just about all I can do to find him. I sent out another letter to his last known address and while the letters are not returning, I am receiving no answer. Each day that goes by feels more and more like a loss.

 

[Tinyflame]

I realize there are ways we can be helped, even if we are unable to speak up, whether physically or emotionally (unable), or bound by shame.

:notworthy: :)

 

[ladee]

Hugs to you @Junebug. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

To you as well, dear @ladee :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[Teasel]

I can let go a bit. Things really might get better. ?

 

[Gs172003]

That I am more symptomatic than I think I am and it's effecting my life.

 

[Tinyflame]

I realize (a Big realization, for me ?) that gentleness (other's) reduces my fear!

 

[TruthSeeker]

I realize that I am now able to push myself more in therapy.

 

[Lionheart]

I realize that I may never be able to go back to work.
I realize that grief doesn't end, but that I can choose to focus on the good, happy times.
I realize that I do not have to do everything all on my own.

 

[Tinyflame]

I realize that I am entirely neglected and forgotten, when surrounded by people who are drunk. Not that I just feel it, but that I am. And in the process of that, there is no care given to me either, of course.
I realize I've contributed by my own lack of boundaries. My mom did the same,
I realize I then feel lonely, and worthless, and tired of being the one to prevent problems because I'm the only one aware and able at those moments. More than alone, I simply don't exist. Like a ghost with flesh and bones, wet to the core but the door is locked and I can't get out of the rain, because I've given them my key.